Side Effects
I’ve noticed two side-effects from seeing my first double of Sleep No More this past weekend.
- I’m now peppering my conversation (and posts) with ‘dears,’ ‘darlings’ and ‘dos’ like I’m someone from the Manderley.
- I’m going through my daily routines with purpose and deliberation, expecting someone to be watching my every move. Placing the cap back on the toothpaste suddenly seems signficant. The speed at which I tie my shoes suddenly dictates the timing of the rest of my loop, er, day.
Pick an island
I looked upon
the lands from
upon the back
of the zoo
ranging the sky’s
lighter ocean above.
From there
I could see
both a perfect circle,
and ten thousand miles
in the other direction
-behind a tower of faded ideas-
a circle not nearly so perfect
as the first.
It was intriguing
(and as almost implied)
mystifying!
One, very seemly
in it’s well-preportioned form,
but what was so natural
about that—ABSURD!
The other
completely indifferent
to form at all!
Who’s to say
what it truly was,
a circle perhaps,
but only
for lack of a better word.
So far apart…
why, so far apart?
In the end were
they really so different?
Ambiguity
am·bi·gu·i·ty [am-bi-gyoo-i-tee]noun : doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention
if it were up to me this word would not exist.it leaves people troubled, confused and sometimes even drives them insane. youre always left wondering whether those few words truly meant something or whether those actions came from the heart, which leads to over thinking which is pretty much over complicating things.
when you like a person everything they do is the epitome of ambiguity.
he says “i miss you” and i just cant tell if he really means it or if hes just messing with me. he says “i love you” just a little too carelessly but just because i like him, it seems to hold something more. he goes out of his way to do something for you.is it just because hes nice or is it because theres something there?non stop talking for a whole week then all of a sudden dropping it.
youre driving me crazy…(if only i was brave enough to just tell you)
Because It's True
- Me: I almost really want to know what my real life patronus would be, but at the same time...hell no.
- Friend: Why?! I would love to know what mine is!
- Me: Of course you would! It's probably something beautiful like a swan or baby laughter.
- Friend: I'm sure yours would be awesome.
- Me: No. It'd probably be a flat tire.
“I’m interested in the impact of horror created by blending reality and fantasy and so I like designing creatures that are half man and half beast. I often use these creatures in my work because only through animation can they truly exist - in the animated worlds I create they are living, breathing creatures in their ‘natural’ settings.” Yoshiaki Kawajiri, director of Ninja Scroll
Melancholy
A thought just came to me one day. It suddenly answered my long-time question regarding my past relationships: “Why didn’t they treat me the way I wanted to be treated?”. The only answer that seemed sensible to me is maybe, just maybe, I don’t deserve to be treated the way I wanted to. That no matter what I do, no matter who my guy is, just because it’s ME, he’ll just treat me like any other ordinary girl he has met. He’ll just treat me normally. Nothing special.
I know fairy tales don’t exist in real life and that I should be realistic about things. It’s just that, I AM also a girl. A girl who once dreamed and will forever dream of a fairytale-like romance. A girl who would want to fall in love with the man who constantly sweeps her off her feet. A girl who would want her man to treat her like a princess. A girl who would want her man to act as if he’s courting her everyday. A girl who would want a sweet and romantic man. A girl who likes butterflies in her stomach, flowers, chocolates, sweet-nothings, letters, poetry and all those things that boys would normally think as part of those fairytales’ rubbishness, but for girls, it’s important. I consider it as “food for a girl’s heart”.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m very happy with my current relationship. I’ve never been this happy in my past relationships. This has been the best. And I am contented with the love and attention he’s been constantly giving me. It’s just that there are a couple of times when I get jealous on how he used to treat the girls he used to be with. May it be his first love, who I think I will forever be threatened to, since she loved him FIRST, and vice versa. That girl whom he had first given his commitment of long-lasting love. That girl whom he has given all his firsts. That girl who broke his heart and took him 3 long years before he could move on from.
Even his “favorite ex”, whom he was not shy nor emasculated to publicly tell and express how much he loves her, unlike now. That ex who he was once so highly infatuated to, to the point that I sometimes worry that he might just be experiencing the same infatuation to me, that he’s just so highly infatuated at present, and when it’s all over between us *knock on wood*, he would just realize that it really was just pure infatuation and that he never really truly loved me.
And his ultimate crush, whom he used to put on top of a pedestal and look up to. That one girl whom I am always jealous of because of how he used to treat her as if she’s untouchable and fragile. That one girl who we used to talk about a lot before when we were just friends. That one girl who he used to fancy so much, that for the first time in a long time, I wanted someone to fancy me like that.
CONFIDENCE. That is what I lack most that’s why I feel so melancholic and agitated at times. I have a habit of looking down on myself and feel so small and lowly. Sometimes, I doubt myself if I could be someone who is for keeps. I doubt if he would also find it hard to let me go. I doubt if he would also really fight for me. I doubt if I am worthy. I doubt if I deserve him. I doubt if I could really make him happy. I doubt if I have could ever have the self-confidence that I need. Or do I even deserve to have that self-confidence? Am I really the low-quality kind of girl that I think of myself? Those are the questions that will remain unanswered as of now. ‘til then.
