“It’s okay to say “no” if you change your mind. We allow you to change majors and change direction and change clothes, with no repercussions other than possibly wasted time. If his touch is too forceful and his breath too hot and his weight too much, you are not bound to your previous decision. If your mimd is screaming and your nerves are sizzling, they are as valid then and now as they were five minutes ago, when you were saying yes. It’s okay to say “no” if you were flirting. Batted eyelashes and sly smirks and witty words do not form a map to your uncharted territory. Your playfulness does not relieve them of their self control. Your allure does not diminish their responsibility to be respectful. The only path you led them on is that of the unknown, of which the rules of the road still apply. It’s okay to say “no” if you’re unsure. It’s okay to say “no” if you’re embarrassed. It’s okay to say “no” when they tell you it isn’t okay to say “no.”
—When It’s Ok To Say “No”
“I think the best moment in my life was when I was going to kick that guy's ass on stage for touching that girl without her permission in our audience. I mean, like..I almost blacked out. I just saw it and I almost lost all conscious thought when I was singing. It was like I was possessed or something. I mean..how deluded are you as a man to think you can just claim ownership over a woman? This isn't some kinky BDSM shit. This is your power hungry little dick acting out because you have issues.”
—Kurt Cobain
Kindergarten, AKA Introduction to Male Privilege
I met one of my daughter’s classmates who’s been infuriating her. He keeps telling her she can’t do things because she’s a girl (this week’s obsession being that she can’t play team sports, she has to be a cheerleader). Well today I watched him grab the glue stick in my kid’s hand, pull with all his might, literally screeeeaaaming in this horrible guttural demon-voice that she had to give it to him for (I’m not fucking kidding) over a full fucking minute. Meanwhile I kept saying no, she would share, but she had it first and he shouldn’t take things without asking. His tiny little face stayed contorted in this horrible grimace while he kept demanding she give it to him NOW and trying to pry it out of her fingers, and his mother (literally right next to him, touching him) just watched and said nothing.
And this is kindergarten rape culture, folks.
The teacher didn’t even notice any of this (even though there were only ~20 students and 10 parents in the room), which helps explain why my daughter constantly comes home talking about how this boy says and does awful things and doesn’t get punished. I need to have a parent-teacher conference, too, because when my daughter reports this bullying behavior to the teacher (which is what I tell her to do), she’s told not to “tattle.”
Don’t tattle on your bullies, kids, let them be disgusting bullies who never get punished for their actions. That’s not a fucking gross message to send to children or anything.
So glad it’s almost summer you don’t even know.
“How do you raise a young person in our simultaneously both porned out and repressed culture to both avoid sexual assault while not being alienated from their own sexuality? Please, please tell me.” ”
—Socialist activist & journalist for the Nation Dave Zirin this week on MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry.
Smart's Knowledge: Kidnapping And Rape Victim Elizabeth Smart Says Abstinence Education "Teaches Rape Victims That They're Worthless, Dirty, And Filthy"
thinkprogress.orgElizabeth Smart became a household name after she was kidnapped from her home in Salt Lake City, UT at the age of 14 and held in captivity for nine months. She was forced into a polygamous marriage, tethered to a metal cable, and raped daily until she was rescued from her captors nine months later. […]
Elizabeth Smart became a household name after she was kidnapped from her home in Salt Lake City, UT at the age of 14 and held in captivity for nine months. She was forced into a polygamous marriage, tethered to a metal cable, and raped daily until she was rescued from her captors nine months later. Smart was recovered while she and her kidnappers were walking down a suburban street, leading many Americans who followed her story on the national news to wonder: Why didn’t she just run away as soon as she was brought outside?
Speaking to an audience at Johns Hopkins about issues of human trafficking and sexual violence, Smart recently offered an answer to that question. She explained that some human trafficking victims don’t run away because they feel worthless after being raped, particularly if they have been raised in conservative cultures that push abstinence-only education and emphasize sexual purity:
Smart said she “felt so dirty and so filthy” after she was raped by her captor, and she understands why someone wouldn’t run “because of that alone.”
Smart spoke at a Johns Hopkins human trafficking forum, saying she was raised in a religious household and recalled a school teacher who spoke once about abstinence and compared sex to chewing gum.
“I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you know longer have worth, you know longer have value,” Smart said. “Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value.”
Now in her mid-twenties, Smart runs a foundation to help educate children about sexual crimes. She now believes that children should grow up learning that “you will always have value and nothing can change that.”
Social psychologists and sexual abuse counselors agree that comprehensive sex education can help prevent sexual crimes. Teaching children about their bodies gives them the tools to describe acts of abuse without feeling as embarrassed or uncomfortable, and it also helps elevate their self-confidence and sense of bodily autonomy. A shame-based approach to genitalia and sexuality, on the other hand, sends kids the message that they can’t discuss or ask questions about any of those issues.
Nonethless, abstinence-only education programs have a long history of imparting harmful messages that shame youth about their sexuality instead of teaching them the facts they need to safeguard their health. A high school in West Virginia recently made national headlines after hosting a conservative religious speaker who allegedly told students “if you take birth control, your mother probably hates you” and “I could look at any one of you in the eyes right now and tell if you’re going to be promiscuous.” In Smart’s home state of Utah — which is home to a large religiously conservative Mormon community — sex education is currently mandated, but lawmakers have repeatedly pushed to weaken the state law and reinstate an abstinence-only curriculum.
