“The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that is has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two being have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only. The rest is only the rest, and comes afterwards. Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark. ”
—Victor Hugo
“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.”
—John 13:7
“Jesus replied, ‘You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.’”
Lately, I have been so lost in my sadness that I never truly realized how sad I was—sad in a way that all hope seems to have been sucked out from my soul and all I feel is that I have simply been existing, never truly living, without a purpose—wrapped in my cocoon of darkness and floating in nothingness.
I have been terribly unhappy for many reasons, some I am too afraid to put into words because they are too selfish, too desperate, too ungrateful but even before I open my mouth, I think a thought, I form an idea, You already know it yet You forgive, You accept, You understand, and most of all, You love.
You love with such an unconditional love—love that bears all things, expels all fears, drives away all evil—fueled by faith, by goodness, by kindness, by joy, by forgiveness and all things light that only come from You.
How can you take pity, compassion on someone so lost in herself, her emotions, her desires that in the process of drowning in my sorrow and in my self, I abandon You? I put things first knowing that You are there to stay and keep Your promises? How can You continue to save me and lift me up above the stars even if I refuse to take Your hand and sink, sink, sink until there is barely anything but You to hold on to? How can you love me with a selfless, everlasting love when I cannot even love myself? How can You even care for me when I want others more than I want You? How can You keep holding me when I keep letting go of You?
I will never know how much love You give me and how much love You have for me but I know that it is more than anything that I could ever dream of, more than anything I could hope for and more. Sometimes, I forget but day to day, You remind me even in the simplest of ways.
You remind me of Your love with the sight of the majestic sunset only You can fashion, the surprise messages of love from people I miss the most, even in silent tears that touch my warm cheeks before I sleep because You constantly remind me that only when I truly give and surrender every aspect of my life to You can You truly change my heart which so desperately yearns for You.
The life I have been given is truly an impossible life, a life which denies myself, my desires, my fleeting emotions, simply because these are things which instantly gratify me but they do not last. A single decision given a fleeting emotion, in momentary circumstances can damage and take away what I desire now (only). Oh, how I easily and conveniently forget this.
Please forgive my heart for giving you less and less of what You deserve, for only giving You the parts that ache and sometimes even unwillingly. Only You can truly satisfy this lonely, aching heart. Forgive me if I fool myself into thinking that I can find it elsewhere. Forgive me for losing You in the process of trying to find myself when all I need is in front of me, all I need in this lifetime is You.
You captivate my soul with every word, every whisper, every touch and I long so madly for You. Please open my heart, open my eyes to see You and how You constantly work in every part and moment of my life.
I love You when I can barely love myself. I love You when I forget. I love You for every second I doubt and question. I love You.
“God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and disappointments He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations, and projects and pain. He wants to pour His love into your heart, and He longs to have you pour yours into His. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman [or man] you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.”
-Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge
