as a woman who is attracted to other women i try to be i guess conscious of the ways that i— though i don’t carry the same entitled privilege of a man— might be objectifying the bodies of other women, like we have all internalized the male gaze to some extent and i am often concerned about like what am i reading onto this girl, how am i looking at her
but one of the greatest things for me about queer attraction to other women is that it often inherently denies that objectification because it’s also an identification? like, i am attracted to the ways that another girl presents or constructs her body and her girlhood, and that other-perception also affects the way i see myself or my body, the ways i think about my own gender performance, to the point where like, being attracted to a girl is also admiring her is also being awed by her is also thinking— could i do that? you know, the old lesbian joke of i don’t know if i want to date her or be her, i mean this post is not original
but like, the things that a girl wears or says or does inform not my desire to act upon her but my desire to be with her, the things she is open the horizons of the things i could be and so idk she is the other but not otherized, she is the object of my desire but still a dynamic subject, which is not to say that i can’t/don’t still project harmful things onto other women and participate unconsciously in a culture of assuming ownership or knowledge of women’s bodies and selves— but like, it is cause for hope, i guess, the way queer desire can identify with and celebrate someone while also wanting to bang (together in respectful active harmony)
this post makes no sense but i saw a girl wearing rad boots and then i got new boots and then i guess i had to talk about my feelings
- #in which i talk a lot
- #to be noted is that i have a lot of cis privilege that plays into my gender performance
- #edited 4-13 to change 'cisman' to 'man' in first paragraph after comment by dannylaceys
- #which can be viewed in notes of post!
- #i could not reblog post again bcs tumblr but i apologize for my error
Hi :) I love your blog and opinions on literature and life and I was just wondering if you had any advice for someone who’s newly bi? (as in, I’ve just realized my sexuality) I know you’re queer, but I was just wondering if you had any advice for me because I’m unsure of how to deal with the situation and I could really use some advice right now.
hi darling! :) here is my primary advice: be gentle and patient with yourself. obviously i can only really talk about my own experience— but for me, realizing and accepting my sexuality was huge and overwhelming and i felt like i had to decide it right away— and not only decide it but also BE it, you know.
so— you don’t! i found that writing in a journal was really helpful for me, to keep me feeling calm and in control and like i could recognize and understand terrifying new feelings. i had a couple friends that i talked to about things while i was sorting out everything. you don’t have to tell people! you don’t have to kiss anyone or wear anything or do anything. just like, be kind to yourself, and sift through your feelings and desires and value yourself, and be excited about yourself, you are so marvelous and you rarely get to discover or treasure new beautiful things about yourself but now you do!
(this was one of the most exciting things for me about be/coming out of the closet— was that all the feelings that i used to dismiss or repress i got to identify and celebrate)
i personally i spent a full year and change just PROCESSING before i even started talking to other queers and that was really good for me and i think made me way more comfortable with myself before i arrived at the context of myself-with-others. i also talked about girls a LOT on tumblr before i started talking about it in real life with real people, and tumblr can be a really queer accepting space full of various levels of oververbalized queer sexual and romantic desire, so it is i think, if you find a good corner, a great place to try out expressing whom you might like or who you might want to be or why. (this is something that is often hard to express with real life friends especially if, if you are like i was, most of yours are straight.)
you will also maybe find that realizing your sexuality will have a thousand other strange delightful incumbent realizations about yourself like WOW I REALLY LIKE BOOTS or I AM WAY LOUDER THAN I THOUGHT I WAS, idk, i think often when you start opening the gates of new shit about yourself a lot of things come pouring out, WOW TRY THEM ALL ON, the greatest thing for me about accepting myself as queer was that i stopped trying to fit into so many other boxes and i got so much happier in general
and you don’t have to meet other queers or socialize with other queers or come out to other queers or ANYTHING AT ALL to be an acceptable queer yourself, and it might not even be viable for you right now, and that is completely legitimate!!! but if you want to, it is potentially exciting as well— finding or building a community of people, getting to talk about stuff that you never even used to think, learning new expressions and subgroups and ideas and like, performances, there’s a super heady rush of OTHER QUEERS??!?!? that it took me a long time to feel ready for but which, when or if you want to talk to other people, is not as threatening as it seems— for almost all the queers i know, there is nothing more exciting than a new queer, and people are often really friendly and inclusive— they used to be where you are! they are aware of things being tentative and awkward!
with the warning that established queer cultures can be really regulative, which is both terrifying and hard, like, how queer are you? are you QUEER ENOUGH? it’s especially harsh i think for femme girls or for queer girls who are not completely homosexual. so remember also that like, things that are presented as normal for queers do not have to be for you, and people who try to tell you that you have to do or wear or be or kiss etc. certain ways to be an official new queer person are people who are just trying to perpetuate fairly oppressive substructures of sexual identity, i mean, anyone who tells you This Is How You Queer is in fact harming queerness themselves because queerness is so highly individual, and if queers as a community are going to try to reject enforced heteronormativity they cannot do that by building homonormativity in its place. SO THERE.
(the easiest way i have found to come out to other queers you wish to queerfriend is to mention a cute girl you saw once OR mention coming out. or flirt? i guess some people flirt.)
(if you want advice on Where Are The Queers i can try that too, i assumed this was a Talk to Me About Feelings ask bcs… i am feelings…)
and i cannot emphasize this enough: there are no obligations for you! literally what makes you happy is the only priority here, and figuring out what might make you happy is really overwhelming when there are suddenly more choices available, but it can also be really wonderful. you don’t have to come out if you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so— or if you just plain don’t want to. you don’t have to date or bang or even touch anyone. you just have to figure out what might make you happy and try those things for yourself!
(thesis statement: your first queer romance will be with YOURSELF.)
i am really excited for you, and if you ever want to unanon and talk further or privately about this i am completely available for you! <3