• the soup can said chicken & rice
• chicken & rice
• so why the hell is it more like CARROTS (oh and there’s also like one piece of chicken and three grains of rice)
• what the fuck progresso, what the actual fuck.

this is actually kinda good (and satisfying):

this is one can of Progresso Light Chicken & Vegetable Soup (4 weight watchers points) and 1/4 cup of reduced-fat ricotta cheese (2 weight watchers points). not bad for 6 points. after eating this i don’t feel the need to down two family sized bags of Doritos OR punch someone in the face. let’s see how long this lasts.

i love cheese. but it doesn’t love me back. my body wholly rejects it. violently. D knows all about it. in fact, my body has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to dairy. but i love it so much i continue to torture myself by eating mass quantities of it. no one understands why i do this. my love for dairy is unconditional, and i will fight for it.

dairy will be one of the topics i will cover next week in This Week in Flatulence. i know you’re excited.

ugh. here comes the dairy bloat. it’ll be fine. yay weight loss! help me.

xo,
M

  Im not sure if I want to keep eating Progresso soup .. I know 60 calories  sounds good but  has to much sodium  .  what you think ?

This experiment doesn’t have an official name yet, and it’s a little on the side of the ridiculous. Experiment 5’s true roots actually trace back to a year or two ago when I managed to successfully grow a full-fledged beanstalk out of a single white bean that had been baked repeatedly. Or possibly boiled. It had been cooked in some manner, I remember that much. It was pretty amazing but also entirely undocumented.

In an effort to recreate that oldschool experiment, this time with full documentation, I extracted a couple of green beans from their pods after rescuing the pods themselves from my delicious meal of Progresso soup. In the continuing spirit of soup, I filled the can with some really terrible dirt and planted the beans inside. The reason I didn’t mention any of this until now because I figured the whole thing was almost certainly doomed to failure… and I was right.

I watered the beans, put them on my windowsill, and then waited several days. When nothing happened, I gently moved aside the dirt to discover that the beans had not only failed to grow, but had straight-up disappeared. Gone! I have no explanation for this.

Flash forward to a few days ago when I politely asked a coworker if I might take ownership of the discarded lime seeds from her lunch, which was definitely not awkward in any way. I took the seeds home in a plastic bag with some water in it (mimicking my treatment of the lemon seeds from last year) and planted them in the soup can with the terrible dirt. Will they grow? Who knows. If they don’t, I will keep planting new rescued seeds until SOMETHING comes up, and stays up.

In short:  The goal of experiment 5 is to manage to grow something in the soup can past the seedling stage. Official experiment outline to follow soon.

Have you seen those commercials for Progresso Soup—the ones with the woman who calls up a Progresso chef and tells him elatedly that her favorite old jeans fit? The chef responds “OK…” as if to say “That’s nice, but what’s the big deal?” and then the woman responds “Is there a woman I can talk to?”

How fucking DEPRESSING is that? That the only person who could possibly understand the magnitude of the achievement would be a woman? The message the ad is sending is that OBVIOUSLY a man wouldn’t understand because men don’t HAVE to diet! Only a woman, who has been put through the cultural wringer about weight and dieting, could ever understand what a big giant amazing momentous achievement it is that you have somewhat less flesh on your body now than you did previously, and you can squeeze that flesh into a certain pair of FUCKING DENIM PANTS.

How fucking depressing that the commercial lets us know, in no uncertain terms, that men don’t have to go through dieting hell to achieve anything—that men could, possibly, just buy a pair of pants that fit them instead of calling each other to exult about fitting themselves into a specific pair of pants?

And OBVIOUSLY many many men feel the need to diet or otherwise alter their body, so this commercial isn’t actually accurate, and OBVIOUSLY losing weight is definitely something that many people feel wonderful and proud about. But seriously—“Is there a woman I can talk to?” Is there someone else who’s been fucked over by the dieting industry in the same way? Is there someone else who’s bought what our culture is selling? It would have to be a woman, though!

Fuck. 

Progresso New England Clam Chowder needs 3 tsp of black pepper and 3 tbs of salt, and a 1/4 cup of crumbled fancy onion cheese