“so i’m quiet sometimes and i’m loud sometimes, but i’m not really loud at all anymore, just sometimes; the story goes that i get loud when i get excited about things and then people tell me to be quiet so i guess that’s why i just stopped being loud—it’s rare and it means i’m comfortable around you, if i’m loud, that is, so sometimes, i think that i appear graceful and classy to people who don’t know me, but i always feel like they learn quickly that i’m neither of those things—i’m clumsy and no matter how hard i try, i slip up and sometimes people who were once interested in me are no longer interested me because of it and maybe that’s why i don’t take interest in other people, because i need to know, first, that they’d accept me for who i am if i need to feel something towards them, but i feel like that’s kind of fucked, because in reality, i don’t judge people, not enough to keep me from making friends; i guess i just don’t let people into my mind, unless it’s through maybe a few words, like this, so it’s easy to let me down, i’ve always wanted to be someone’s priority but i spend a lot of time being option b and i tell myself that i’m okay with it, that i’m used to it, but somehow it still breaks my heart, and in sort of a compulsive reaction i find myself writing nonsensical things that sound more like i talk without breathing than i write without stopping and i make excuses in my head, excuses to let you down softly, just like you let me down.”

-j