"Hey!! You excited for this summer?"

“Hell yes, I am!”

But not really because I’m still an alternate right now and I’m freaked out that I’m not good enough and these girls are better then me, plain and simple and I don’t even think I can compete, which I never bothered me before because I never HAD to compete but when I look around at the all the talented girls that made the guard that just freaks me out because there’s no guarantee that I’ll ever see the field and the fact that I have to fight with the 3 other alternates that are moving in worries me and they keep telling everyone that the guard is a family but I’m looking at everyone as someone to beat and that’s so wrong and I’ve never had to deal with this shit before and I’m worried and I’m scared, I’m so so scared right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands what it feels like to leave a corps and then not have a spot on the field at the new corps and there’s all this pressure from friends, family but mostly myself to succeed because I’m are supposed to be good at this and if I’m not good at this, what the hell have I been doing with my summers the past 3 years and I know I should be happy because so many girls got cut and I know that the staff is giving me a huge chance to do well and I keep telling everyone that I’m super excited and optimistic and I’m ready to get in there and kick ass for a spot but it’s not true, it’s not true at all and I’m scared shitless that the staff was wrong and I’m going to fail.

In other news…it’s just band.

Rebirth

Another chance to release my inhibitions and start off with a breath of fresh air. New blinks collecting new ideas. A new ME wants to live again. I want to breath again without having grief gripping onto my dear old soul. It weighs a ton. The intangible pain that’s wrapped around my neck and sits gracefully on my shoulders. I could physically feel the pain gripping tightly in my chest, crippling every nerves of feelings.

I came from a dark place. I can’t quite say that I’ve left that place. Something pulls me back there. Something gravitates the weakest part of me there. It refuses to allow me to forgive myself. It refuses to see me smile again. It refuses to allow my heartbeat rhythm like a drum again. I hear pauses in my heartbeats. It either beats too slow or too fast. It makes it hard for me to catch my breath. It’s been years since I genuinely smiled from the pit of my stained belly that’s filled with perverted secrets.

I’m chained.

Many horrifying thoughts of killing myself kissed me back and forth like the sea that refuses to say goodbye to the shores. It was there like thorns on roses. Countless times did such thoughts ate my mind out. It ate me up from inside out. That person within me wanted to escape for the other person that’s trapped within me. Confused? Yes, No? That’s me..

I took many long stares at shiny blades and coloured pills. I traced my thumb along the sharp edges of brand new knifes. A sharp grin sliced my face evilly waiting to brand a new scar across my arm. Slowly climbing down to my wrists. I can’t feel pain any more. Too many cuts made my brain numb. I can’t feel pain when any wounds and bruises strike upon me purposely.

What’s pain my body asks my heart.
What’s sense my heart asks my brain.
What’s wrong with you my brain asks me.
Where do I find these answers I ask God everyday? 

Many sleepless nights.
Many voices screaming in my head.
Many ideas to kill myself. 

It’s an ugly process to put an end to the beautiful gift god presented my mother about 21 years ago. But who am I to take something away that belongs to my mother? She gave me life. Is it mine? No. Just another life that found a body that formed in her womb. She gave me the world in my palms. To discover the vast plains and coloured dreams. She told me to discover the beauty. I discovered more sadness than happiness, all the filth that’s worse than the ones found under your nails. She warned me but I didn’t heed any of it. I couldn’t care less. I couldn’t care any more even now.

And right now, I want to swim beneath the sea. The clear blue sea. Not the murky shit sea. The clear blue sea where I can open my eyes freely and see the corals dancing to the gentle current. I want to see how life lives beneath the waters. I want to cry beneath the sea. I want my tears to be mixed with the sea. I want to cry till my body suffocates and yearns for oxygen. I want my body, mind and soul to understand the beauty of life. I want to stay beneath the sea till it’s time to push myself against the waters and out to the air. I want my mouth and nose gasping for millions of pure O2. At that moment of freedom, I want to feel like a new born baby. I want mother nature to hug me and take my grief and ugliness away from me.

I want to bestow myself a brand new life.

That’s all I ask for. That’s all I ask for… Rebirth is all I ask for.