“The reason a child will act unkindly or cause damage is always innocent. Sometimes she is playful and free spirited, and other times, when aggressive or angry she is unhappy or confused. The more disturbing the behaviour, the more the child is in pain and in need of your love and understanding. In other words, there is no such thing as bad behaviour in children. Instead there is a child who is doing the best she can and we don’t understand her.”
—Naomi AldortHow do you deal with tantrums?
Turt only really has tantrums when I take something from her that she isn’t allowed or when she wants something she can’t have. So it’s all really for the same cause.
When Turt is having a tantrum I tell her ”it’s okay”, I don’t pick her up because when I’m pissed off and in a mood I wouldn’t want someone to pick me up, I normally want to be left alone. So I sit next to her, whether it be in the street, in a shop, in the park or at home. I sit down next to her and let her know I’m there for her. I don’t hush her when she’s crying even if we are out because it’s okay to cry, I don’t want Turt to think she has to suppress her emotions for the sake of others or for the sake of being ”embarrassing”, I let her cry. It’s okay to cry, it’s natural.
When Turt is done crying, I hug her, we kiss and make up and go on with our day. :)
honestly, I think that people are fearful of positive discipline because we are taught in our society that there is only One Way to discipline.
if you’re not saying no to your child, you’re not disciplining them. if you’re not yelling when they do something wrong, you’re not disciplining. if you’re not punishing your child punitively, you’re not disciplining them. if you’re not giving your child external rewards, you’re not disciplining them.
the truth is that positive discipline is just a skill set. you have to learn the techniques, like anything else. it’s not going to work 100% of the time, because your child is not an automaton, but in my opinion it will work more effectively than “standard” discipline, if you take the time to learn it.
it just drives me crazy when I see things on my dash like “this [insert positive parent] sucks and is spoiling their child. children need to be told no sometimes.” saying no is just ONE way to set limits, and there are a vast number of techniques to make your child feel secure in the limits that you are setting.
if you choose to say “no” to your child, that’s fine, I do it sometimes if I’m tired or not thinking, it’s a technique— but it’s just that! a technique. to claim that it is the only way to set a limit is miseducated, imo.
Since I’ve been sick I’ve noticed something, Turt plays up more for my mum than she does with me. I have been in bed for a few days, getting up every now and then to give Turt a cuddle but being too sick to play with her. So I’m upstairs and I notice that my mum shouts at Turt to get her to stop doing things, then I hear Turt laughing and running away. And then I hear my mum saying ”NO! STAY OUT OF THAT!”
My mum and I parent different. Her motto is, ”It didn’t do us any harm”, which I understand, fine you’re alive, you survived being spanked and shouted at. But why would you want your grandchild to just merely survive? Why would you want her to be fearful of you?
When Turt hits me, I now play fight with her to direct her away from hitting me. I of course explain why hittings bad and not to hit mummy but at that moment, she won’t listen she’s just engaged in the fact that she is hitting mummy because she’s not getting her own way. So I play fight, when she’s calmed down I explain to her that hitting is bad and ”we don’t hit people”. She’ll listen more when she can think clearly and not through her anger. We then throw bean bags to release our anger and to have fun.
If I were to hit Turt for hitting me back that would be a contradiction and just no. It makes no sense.
So anyway back to my main point, my mum seems to think that Turt only plays up for her when I’m around, but I could hear what was going on from upstairs. She says ”Turt doesn’t mess with me, I’m strict.”
No, That means Turt’s scared of you.
You CAN be strict and playful and kind and loving. They are the perfect formula to a loving parent. But being scared of someone and being strict are two different things.
I don’t think fear should ever come into parenting unless I’m removing a spider of some sort from her room or closing the cupboard because of a boogey man. That’s as far as fearful goes for us.
My point is, Why settle for what your grandparents did or your parents did even though you don’t agree with it yourself? Why would you want your child to ‘survive’ something because you apparently did?
In my opinion the best thing about being a parent to Turt is she is like a open canvas she can make her own future and I’m not trying to tarnish that by hitting her for developing.
When my cousin has tantrums, he hits people. How do you deal with that part?
Turt hits me sometimes. I deal with it different ways depending on the situation.
Turt hits me sometimes and laughs and I say ”OUCH” pretend to cry and tell her ”we don’t hit people” and she will run off and hit the couch or an object around her or something other than me.
Turt hits me sometimes when she is angry and doesn’t get what she wants (a tantrum). I say ”No hitting please baby, we don’t hit people” I will sometimes play fight with her, she’ll start laughing and thats the end of that tantrum.
When Turt hits sometimes she will throw things around that are around her out of anger. So I give her her bean bags and she throws them instead, she then makes it a game and forgets she was upset. I explain to her ”We don’t throw the remote (for example) but we can throw bean bags.”
How To Handle Your Anger At Your Child
- Set limits BEFORE you get angry.
- Make and post a list of acceptable ways to handle anger.
- Take Five.
- Listen to your anger, rather than acting on it.
- Remember that “expressing” your anger to another person can reinforce and escalate it.
- WAIT before disciplining.
- Avoid physical force, no matter what.
- Avoid threats.
- Monitor your tone and word choice.
- Consider that you’re part of the problem.
- Still angry? Look for the underlying feelings.
- Choose your battles.
- Keep looking for effective ways to discipline that encourage better behavior.
- If you frequently struggle with anger, seek counseling.
Read the full article at AhaParenting: How To Handle Your Anger At Your Child
Kieran had a check up today, & honestly it eased a lot of my fears! I am so envious of you moms who are confident in yourselves & your parenting ability because I always feel so insecure! Kieran weighed 29.5 pounds, which is a little bit less than triple his birth weight (10 lbs 3 oz) at 13 months, so he’s perfect! And he’s off the charts for height.
And he’s great developmentally! He does almost everything on the checklist. The one thing I’m still waiting for is for him to figure out what waving means (he waves, but he does it at random times haha. I think he uses it as a way to get people’s attention) & for him to start shaking his head “no.” I think a big part of the reason he doesn’t do that is because I try very hard to create a yes environment around him, & say no as infrequently as possible. Have any of you other positive parents noticed that your toddler takes longer to say no? Or says it less frequently?
I think the pediatrician was a little concerned that he still nurses frequently, but I don’t really care to be honest. Obviously there are no concerns about his growth, & he goes long stretches during the day when I’m at class without breastfeeding. He’ll wean when he’s ready, and I don’t see a reason to take away one of the most nutritionally beneficial foods available to him!
I did give him his vaccinations :(. I always feel so shitty about it, but I’m terrified of him getting sick & it being a result of him not being vaccinated. There is so much good & bad information on BOTH sides of the vaccination debate, & the issue stresses me out.
Bedtime.
Me: “I’m getting your bath ready.”
Bella: “I don’t want to take a bath.”
Me: “Okay, Mommy’s going to wash face and brush teeth.”
Bella: “Okay, I go play.”
I brush my teeth, wash my face and put my pajamas on.
Me: “Okay Bella, i’m going to lay down. Whenever you’re read to sleep, let me know.”
She continues playing for 15 minutes.
Bella: “Ready to go to bed and put pj’s on!”
We brush her teeth, read a book, and she falls fast asleep.
Post-Note to Last Night's Post
(Also Reblogged to Growing Up Last)
I wrote a post yesterday and some of you seemed to like it so I’m sharing it on the other blog. I also wanted to add one more helpful mantra, one I use when I have to take a step back, count to ten, and collect my thoughts:
“You child is not giving you a hard time, he/she is having a hard time.”
To carry on the metaphor in the original post, imagine waking up to get on the road one day for your morning commute to find that red now means ‘go’ and green now means ‘stop.’ Yeah, the world can get that confusing for our little ones. Something as simple as a different spoon can cause breakfast meltdowns and an uncomfortable sock can mean the difference between a peaceful trip down a grocery aisle and dragging your kid out of the Kroger in tears.
Validating feelings means getting to the root of the behavior—finding that wrench in the works that’s causing the frustration, fear, anger—whatever—and, if it can’t be fixed, at least helping to explain it in an age-appropriate way to make life a little easier for all involved.
Baby talk.
It annoys me when Bella whines or baby talks when she wants something.
I don’t want to insult her by telling her “You’re talking like a baby. You’re a big girl.” or something of that nature. However, i would like for her to use her words.
Sometimes, i’ll say, “I cannot understand what you’re saying. What exactly do you want?”
Or ask her, “It looks like you want some of mommy’s water. Would you like me to come with you to get some?”
The next time she wants something, she’ll use her words.
Mission accomplished.
“Research indicates that the brain operates differently under the threat of receiving a punishment or losing a reward. Under this threat the brain reacts with increased blood flow to the survival centers of the brain and decreased blood flow to the higher-thought centers. When the brain goes into survival mode, it becomes less capable of planning, pattern-detection, receiving information, creativity, classifying data, and problem solving... Children under threat make choices that are biologically driven. Over time, this approach creates impulsive children who resist change and lack the ability to solve problems constructively. Loving guidance requires a shift from the reliance on punishment and rewards to a reliance on consequences in order to help children learn from their mistakes. ”
—Easy to Love, Difficult to DisciplineThe Anger Wheel
blog.positivediscipline.comA good tool for positive discipline.
HB 646: The Right Idea for Marginalized Youth in Louisiana
With HB 646, the Safe and Successful Students Act, on the eve of what we hope will be successful passage out of the Louisiana House of Representatives, it’s worth reminding ourselves why it’s so important for teachers and principals to have at their disposal methods of dealing with discipline problems other than out-of-school suspension and expulsion. In addition to the well-documented benefits of establishing positive school climates, the research is also quite clear that removing students from school is a very poor way to change negative behaviors.
First of all, it’s a well-known fact that some students are much more likely to be subject to out-of-school suspension than others. In Louisiana schools, black students are over twice as likely to be suspended from school as white students, students with disabilities are almost twice as likely as their peers to be suspended, and male students are more likely than females to be suspended regardless of race or disability. Although this is not yet a reporting category in federal law, LGBT students are also more likely to be suspended from school than their straight or cisgender peers.
Such a clear pattern of disparate impact on groups of students raises obvious civil rights questions that are very difficult to answer – it can’t be the case that there’s no other option for dealing with classroom discipline than depriving students of color and students with disabilities of their right to an education.
Furthermore, suspensions don’t even address the behavioral issues that motivate their use. In Jefferson County, KY (a large urban school district slightly larger than Baton Rouge or New Orleans), a study found that students who were suspended once or twice were 8 times more likely than their peers to wind up assigned to an alternative school, and students suspended three or more times were 25 times more likely to wind up removed to an alternative school. Clearly, repeated suspensions do not change behavior to the point where a student will successfully avoid ending up in an alternative school later on.
The same study found that just over 40% of students removed to alternative schools, on average, wound up in juvenile detention within a few years. Ultimately, it’s very clear that out-of-school suspension is the way kids are funneled into the institutional pipeline that ultimately leads to prison. This comes at significant financial cost – the state of Louisiana spends over ten times more per year on each incarcerated youth than we spend on each student in public schools, which is a number so absurd it hardly seems possible, but for the fact that many states report similarly inflated figures.
HB 646 goes a long way toward ensuring that our schools have disciplinary policies that give kids a chance to change their behavior and succeed, strengthening the ability of teachers and principals to manage their schools in appropriate ways, and ultimately helping reduce the flow of kids into the school-to-prison pipeline. In this case, the financially sound thing to do is also the only moral thing to do – there’s simply no other option than to protect every child’s right to a safe school environment that makes it possible for them to succeed in life.
by Matthew Patterson
Legislative Co-Coordinator
