Cave Johnson here!
If you’re like me you’ve probably thought, “Man, I could really use a compact piece of advanced scientific equipment that can fit in my carry on luggage at the airport!” Actually, I’ve never thought that since I don’t fly commercial. But for those of you who can’t afford to charter a private jet and still have to be felt up by security, I have just the thing to suit your travel needs:
The Miniature ASHPD!
While it may not shoot full sized portals, it should still be sufficient in dealing with that kid running through the aisle and screaming as he shoots peanuts at people. Another problem I’m glad I don’t have to deal with.
And because it’s not technically a weapon, it should pass through security no problem!* So, make flying coach slightly more bearable by picking up a mini ASHPD today!
*By viewing the product page you are hereby relinquishing all right to take legal action against Aperture Science Laboratories should you be tackled, arrested or otherwise inconvenienced/traumatized by airport security for attempting to take the miniature ASHPD on an airplane. In layman’s terms, your fault, not ours, no refunds.
Well folks, it's almost Valentines day.
Which means, those of you who have somehow managed to attract a partner are now faced with the daunting task of finding a gift for the person who is willing to put up with you. Now, you could think inside the box and go with traditional tokens of commercialized affection such as flowers, chocolate and jewelry, but you should probably know that all of those things cause allergic reactions (yes, even jewelry) and most significant others prefer not to spend their holidays suffering skin rashes and anaphylactic shock.
You know what probably won’t kill your loved one? The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device!
That’s right, we’re proud to announce the release of our fully customizable consumer version of one of our most popular products! Now you can decorate your ASHPD any way you like so long as it’s within the list of Aperture approved color scheme combinations.
And the best part? This fully functional* device is available to you for only $99.99 at your local third party retailer.
*The consumer version of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is for display purposes only and is not fully functional. We only said that to make you buy it. In the unlikely event that you do receive a functional product, Aperture Science Laboratories is not responsible for any injury, illness (physical or mental), loss of life or other malady to you, others, pets or wild/stray animals that may come as a result of using the device. However, we ask that you return the device to us because there’s no way we would ever sell an advanced piece of scientific equipment capable of bending the laws of physics for a hundred dollars. I mean, come on now. No refunds will be given for returned products.
DIY Handheld Portal Device with Chell (Day 1)
So. I have decided I want to be Chell for Halloween this year. I also really really want to make an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to go along with it, so I looked up some references on how to do it. And I’m getting a little bit of help from my new 12-week-old kitten, aptly named Chell. Here is my progress on day 1…
Chell not included.
I used the list that was posted here but with some small changes. Seems that the ABS pipes weren’t working out great for some people, so I replaced them with PVC pipes. I also didn’t get machine screws because I am going to use those little brass twisty things instead. I’m also screwing around with the flashlight system so we’ll see how that turns out… I had a hard time getting home so for the love of god do NOT try to get all this stuff at once if you are taking a bus home. It is very, very heavy and I am lucky to have gotten into the house before the cans of spray paint fell out of the ripping bag.
I started with hot gluing the two 4-inch PVC couplings together, then duct taping over the horrible mess I made.
Chell helped by staying out of the way and licking her paws. A few seconds later she fell off the chair.
I measured out 10 inches from the end of the 4-inch PVC pipe in several areas, then used a measuring tape to make the circle around the whole way. Chell chewed on my Sonic Screwdriver throughout this process.
Dressed for the fun part.
I sawed through the PVC pipe with a hand saw and went back after to try to get it as close to the line as possible. After, I cleaned it up with some medium sandpaper. After I did this, I cut the 3-inch PVC pipe to 13 inches the same way, but couldn’t get to the sawing process quite yet because Chell kept me busy for the rest of the daylight hours, and I didn’t want to go outside with a hand saw and make noise when it’s dark. I do live in an apartment after all…
But that just means that tomorrow will be a productive day.