Simon Doonan Can Suck My Big Black Afro: Part I

I CAN’T deal with this bullshit.

Simong Doonan recently published an article waxing nostalgic about afros and it is ALL WRONG. I get that he’s trying to be cute… but this not working.

It’s not that it’s wrong for a white man to like afros, or even to want to see them. But to request that women wear them because of his nostalgic yearning for the 70’s and idea that they are “easier to maintain” than other black hair options is ridiculous! “Liberate yourself through your hair” says another misguided white person.

A few thoughts:

1) An afro is not always easier to maintain than other hair styles, it takes a lot of work to keep it up, not to mention untangling it after the day is done. Oh, wait, he covers this in the article.

“When I expressed my longing for the return of the afro, Pam was quick to splash a little reality on my nostalgic longings. According to Lady Grier, it’s not as low-maintenance as it looks.” But let’s not listen to the black woman whose hair you are idolizing as she explains that it is less than the ideal you think it is.
“Pam’s words did nothing to dampen my afro-ardor.” Obviously not.

2) The afro NEVER LEFT! Who is he referring to, there are many prominent people with fros and there have been for a while. Open your eyes or go to a black neighborhood for once.

“And yet … styles change, and fashion evolves, and the afro has—with the exception of occasional retro-hipster sighting on Broadway below Eighth Street—become as rare as a dodo.” I just can’t even respond to this.

3) Oh looks like he did go to Harlem, to pick up some authentic 70’s kitsch: “Thanks to the current unpopularity of the afro, afro picks can be purchased at rock-bottom prices. I recently paid $10 for a box of a 50 from a beauty supply store in Harlem. These objets d’art make great gifts and can be used to tweak and tease non-afro coiffures. The grooviest picks have a Black Power fist in place of a handle. (SIDE BAR: This is SOOOOO offensive especially in an article with a youtube clip of Kathleen Cleaver). The revolution is coming, and it will be YouTubed. So get your pick now and start practicing.” This. Is. The. Worst. Afro picks in Harlem being sold at rock bottom prices, does the Market not have a soul?! Surely these objets d’art aren’t being bought by people who actually use them in, I don’t know, HARLEM.

Also, what a cute quote about the “revolution”. My hope is that when the revolution comes it’s more along the lines of the 1 million (this is the real number!) black folks in jail getting out and society facing this new and horrific form of slavery it’s disguised as justice, but maybe I’m just being nostalgic.

This man WILL be the subject of my next satire. “Simon Doonan’s ‘I Long For the Days When Black Face Was En Vogue and the Mistrel Show Reigned Supreme”