confessions of a masochist

There are some who deal with bad news 
by turning away from the people they love.

I have sobbed as I watched friends drive away,
their cars filled with cases of beer and mixed cds, 
because I was hurt that they’d listened when I
told them to leave without me.

Sometimes I get sad all at once, 
thinking about the people I have known.
It can hit me while I am in the back of a car,
staring out the window as I drive through the countryside,
or while I am sitting beside my mother,
shoveling food into my mouth as we both stare straight ahead.

I used to believe that everything happens for a reason,
but now, I wish the reason a boy I loved 
is connecting with a girl I no longer know 
was more obvious.

I am a jealous friend.
When I am something to somebody,
I never want them to find someone else to take my place.
But sometimes, no matter how much you want to
send somebody an e-mail telling them that 
you can feel them slipping away,
you have to let them talk about 
their busy life and convince yourself that
you’re happy for them. 

I don’t know how to not be sad 
when I can wake up in the morning
and be sure of the things I want to do,
but not know who I am by the time the sun sets.
I am so afraid of being left alone that I want to 
give everybody a reason to go.
I’m nothing but bad news.
I know you were planning on leaving once I fell in love with you. 
Go.

I sat myself down a couple of years ago
and told myself that I was most “me” when I was alone.
But dear self, I confess: I lied 
when I said you’d be happy on your own.
The truth is, if you run away from people enough,
you’ll find yourself wiping your tears in the dark,
with nobody to apologize to but yourself.