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Tumblrpocalypse: a Fanfic by Some Guy with No Life
Chapter 1: Condorning Violence
Ashly Condorn sat at her computer, checking her inbox. “Corndog, corndorn, corn tortillas… man, I wish my followers could read,” she sighed. ‘But I forgive them, each and every one,” she said in a Cooler-Than-U fashion. She scrolled farther down in her inbox. “Wow, these are all the same… I got 127 asks about my username… what is up with Tumblr tonight?” She flipped her awesome black hair over her shoulder. She stopped scrolling on one particular ask. “CORN DILDO? REALLY? OKAY, NOW YOU’RE JUST MESSING WITH ME!” She threw her hands up in the air like she just didn’t care, but seriously, condorn does not look like corn dildo at all. Ashly had all the right to be mad.
“Corn dildo,” a voice behind her moaned.
Ashly ‘Corn Chips’ Condorn spun around to be face to face with a rather pale individual whose eyes had no pupils and were devoid of all will to live. He- it?- groaned and made a little whimpering noise and advanced towards her. “Fr*ick! No! Get away from me! How did you get in my house?!” The zombie-esque figure just slowly continued walking towards her. Ashly did what any awesome person would do in the situation- she kicked the weird pale motivation-less man-thing in its privates. But one thing Ashly ‘Condor’ Condorn did not know about the offensive creep was that this was a Hater- a creature who goes into people’s asks under anon and generally makes one feel like a piece of shit. Of course, to do such a despicable deed- especially to a cool milkshake like Ashly- you’d have to have no motivation in life. And no testicles. Pussies.
So Ashly made contact with the hater’s crotch area and nothing happened. She was a little disappointed, at least, because there is nothing more satisfying than seeing a Hater get karma’d. Ashly grabbed the nearest object- a lamp- and smacked it over the Hater’s head multiple times, knocking it unconscious. “What the heckaroo is going on here?” she screamed. She could see her computer, a mere yard away, filling up with asks at an alarming rate. Ashly gasped as the computer exploded for probably related reasons. “But what-“ A hand grabbed her from behind. She shrieked, and waved her deadly lamp at the offending Hater.
“Corndick,” it groaned.
Suddenly, another appeared from around the corner, and yet another had escaped out of her closet, wearing a feather boa that Ashly didn’t know she had. They slowly walked towards her as she continued to struggle with the Hater that had a hold of her. The unconscious Hater she had beaten with her weapon of choice started waking up. The Hater’s hand had clasped around her mouth- she licked it, it did not relinquish its grip, and she got a taste of something akin to celery and porcupine excrements- and suddenly-
Karene Amoying screamed as she ran through Ashly’s window with a BMW, effectively hitting some Haters and, well, breaking a window. A shard of said window got stuck in one of the Hater’s head and stuck. It crumpled to the ground.
“Get in! Get in the car!” Sydney Lameborghini yelled, which was unnecessary, because Ashly could hear her just fine.
“M…M-Mercy…” A Hater whispered.
Sydney pulled out a Nerf gun and shot the Hater right between the eyes. “I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT, ANON,” she screamed. The Hater fell back onto the floor.
Ashly hopped into the BMW with Karene at shotgun and Sydney driving. “Floor it!” Karene exclaimed all too cheerily for someone who trusted their life with a girl who was, according to herself, “annoying and lame and good at whistling.”
As Sydney pulled out of Ashly’s house, The Fresh Prince of Condorn noticed that these vicious Hater creatures were everywhere. “What is happening,” she muttered.
Sydney, who already was unanimously proclaimed leader of the group (so unanimous they didn’t even have to vote) pulled off her sunglasses like she was some sort of superior at an office. A boss, if you will. “It’s the year 2046. The Haterpocalypse has begun and all of Tumblr is down. Free wifi is a thing of the past and our queen is nowhere to be seen.” She hung her head in shame, for Sydney Lameborghini is too much of a fucking badass for your pussy ass ‘tears’.
Ashly blinked. “I was on Tumblr for 33 years?”
“Well, you see, the Doctor Who fandom tried to make a Tardis and it ended up transporting some people into an alternate timeline,” Karene Amoying explained. “And this alternate timeline has Haters, evil beings that aren’t very creative or very well-mannered.”
“Haters taste like porcupine shit,” Ashly nodded.
“Indeed,” Karene ‘Care-Inn’ Amoying replied, nodding.
“So where do we go now?” Ashly asked Sydney, who was driving the BMW.
“We’re going to the Tumblr meetup, a place for all the displaced Tumblr bloggers, at the park in the center of the city. Also, if you cared to know, we stole this BMW from Kim Kardashian. Also, we may be almost out of gasoline.”
The car sputtered to a stop. “FUCK YOU KARDASHIANS,” Karene screamed with pure rage.
~I feel like this is complete shit but here you go~