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i would have done anything. i know this because i did. i kept all my promises. but one. i let go. i didn’t want to, please know this. i needed to. holding on was killing me. i was reaching for you and reaching but you never reached back. how did this happen? i still don’t think i’ve let go completely. i keep you tucked away safely deep inside my heart. and there you remain. there are never enough words for this sort of thing. too many questions. always too many unanswered questions. far far too many. and i want the answers so desperately. i need that closure. the closure i’m damn near sure i’ll never get. but i kept my promises. i said i’d always love you. i do and will always. i said i’d always be there for you. i haven’t gone anywhere, i’m still right here. i said i’d never forget you. i couldn’t even if i wanted to. ha you know, sometimes i feel like i can just walk up to you and say “how the hell did we let something like this happen?” and we’d both laugh at how horrible it all is. if you’re still in there, somewhere, i think i’d like to have the conversations i’ve imagined us having for the past few years. i’d love so much, so very much, to laugh and cry and just talk about the old days. i can still picture you laughing and i can hear it. my favorite. i wish i still had my phone from 9th grade so i could watch those videos we’d made together. true life. pokemon. and just random shit. smile with me? i still remember our last hug. i remember this feeling wash over me and just knowing this was probably the last one. i remember that. i remember that so vividly. i held on to you and tried to channel on my love into you. the hug lingered. and when i let go i remember wanting to cry. i hadn’t even expected a hug from you. i don’t think you know how much it meant to me. i don’t think you or anyone ever will. i loved you so completely.
If you want to understand what someone with anxiety disorder feels like
Get a pillow press it against your face. That’s how I feel 90 percent of the time. Now here’s what the social anxiety feels like do the same thing and have someone scream out to you “You look so ugly” “You look so stupid right now” “Omg what are you doing your so embarrassing” over and over and over again. That’s what I hear in my head. Every single one of my flaws.
i really wish people could understand my love for niall because everyone assumes i just think he’s cute and has a good voice and yeah that stuff is true and it’s part of why i love him but his outlook on life is so inspiring especially to someone who’s dealing with depression like me i mean he’s always so happy and smiling and he finds things 10x funnier than they actually are and he can’t control his laughter half the time and even when people start up shitty rumors about him he’ll acknowledge it really quickly then not even a second later he’s moved onto how he loves everyone and how happy and lucky he is and he doesn’t let anything get him down and i really look up to him for that and really hope i can be the same way someday.