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Dear Cyclists of the United Kingdom,
Please understand that I sincerely hate you and your lycra wearing, tree-hugging, pretentious cockbite kind. I know I might be generalising and that probably the vast majority of cyclists are just nice, normal people looking for a way to commute to work and I understand that you choose to cycle for whatever reasons you may have, you might genuinely wish to marry an oak tree or you might feel for all the poor wittle animals suffering or some other mopey as fuck bullshit, it’s not for me to judge your lifestyle and your choices.
Most of the time when I see a cyclist I accept that we have to share the road with you. Begrudgingly maybe, but I accept it. It’s a fact of being a driver and most cyclists are nice, sane people who stick by the side of the road or at least make an attempt to get out of a driver’s way. However, you have to understand that when you choose to cycle on a busy as fuck dual carriageway, full of cars doing speeds your bicycle couldn’t even imagine, when there’s a clearly marked cycle lane, that is, a nice long patch of the pavement set out JUST for you cyclists, that you look like a complete and utter massive cunt when you decide that no, the road is where you belong.
The road is not where you belong. I said earlier that I begrudgingly accept that I have to share the roads with you fucks. You are a bicycle. You are not a motor vehicle. You are two wheels powered by a pretentious, unwashed hippie twat. Your presence on land that is set aside for fast moving metal machines means that you are a danger to both yourself and other road users, especially on fast moving roads where lanes have been set aside for you to use.
So why do you feel the need to cycle on the main fucking road? If you feel the need to do that, then I feel I should be legally allowed to give you a prostate examination with the front end of my car. It’s only fair.
PS: To the stupid fucking twats who also think cycling two in a row down a fucking road is an acceptable way to travel, no it fucking isn’t you stupid, inbred hippy fuck. Whatever asinine conversation about what tree you fucking hugged and what animals you gently fucking kissed to sleep or what brand of fucking muesli happens to be the best can wait until you get to your fucking destination. You are blocking the fucking road for people who need to get to fucking work. You are literally being a massive cunt, so don’t fucking eyeball me as I drive by you because you are the one in the fucking wrong.
I'm pretty sure the road test demonstrates how I live.
I parallel parked, K-turned, and drove perfectly. It was the basic things, like stopping for more than two seconds at a stop sign, and getting into the right lane at a specific turn, that tripped me up. I failed today…but really, what the hell kind of driver am I, that I can parallel park wonderfully but fail to stop for more than two seconds at a stop sign? Yeah, I’m a little upset, too. The word “fail” never sat well with me.