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While listening to “When I was your man” in the car my mom raised her hand, closed her eyes, and started swaying back and forth like she was hearing the word of God

i caught my mom watching porn.

I always thought I’d be getting caught by you, but i guess.. o.o

My mom started taking a French class at the local college and all she’s been doing since she got home 3 hours ago is watch some french soap-opera and every once in a while I’ll hear her mumble “God dam it Pierre…”

my mom just called me to inform me that the “two cute brothers with the ambiguously gay angel” are on tv

….

it’s  3 am here

It seems my mother bought two pygmy goats

I mentioned to her once that a classmate of mine had pet goats and her sister was selling them. It seemed to have planted fantasies of goat children in my mother’s mind and now I guess we have a couple of pygmy goats at home.

“They are named Billy and Gracie.” - Mom

Mom, that is super cute and everything but WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH PYGMY GOATS. I AM SO CONFUSED. Though we are a legally registered farm, so I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to add them to our roster of horses, chickens, dogs and cats. Not to mention the ironic opportunities it might afford me…

I guess I can’t wait to meet them??

  • Mom: Bats are rodents.
  • Me: No they aren't.
  • Mom: *googles it*
  • Mom: Oh, they're mammals. I thought rodents were mammals.
  • Me: They are.
  • Mom: So bats aren't mammals?
  • Me: Well, humans are mammals but we aren't rodents.
  • Mom: Yeah, but we talk.
  • Me:
  • Me:
  • Me: I can't discuss this with you any longer.

My mother..

Me: Listening to Low by Flo Rida

*Looking for pictures of Sasuke*
 

My mother comes behind me and my mother goes
“NEXT THING YA KNOW SASUKE GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW”

I AM SO DONE

At a Chinese restaurant

  • Mom: do you guys have French fries

my mom just jacked some of my kandi

and is now wearing it around the house

and refuses to give it back

claiming they are her “precious gems”

this is kind of adorable *____*

okay so earlier today my mom called me and was like “i’m going to the store do you want anything” 

and i was like ch’yeah get me some fruit

so she came home with this:

image

BUT WAIT MY MOM IS ACTUALLY ACTIVELY SHIPPING ME AND A DUDE WHO IS FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN ME FROM HER WORK JUST BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE DISNEY AND QUEEN AND APPARENTLY TALK SIMILAR????????

For your amusement, here are a few things my mom said while watching The Hobbit with my brother and I this evening:

“Where the fuck is Martin Freeman?”

“Aww Martin, there you are!”

“HIIII BENNY!!!”

“What’s the problem with Prince Grumpy McGrumpypants over there?”

“Prince Grumpy needs to stop ruining everyone else’s fun.”

“Oh shut up, King Scrotumface.”

image

  • Me: So you're still at grandma's
  • Mom: No with the Once-ler
  • Me: Mom pls

That moment when your mother calls Galadriel “the elf mom”.

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