Moments like this
Moments like this are the worst. Those milestones in life that everyone can look back at with fondness I just feel crushed. Today was my little sister’s senior dinner, and our mom was not there. Instead of being happy for achievements all my family can think and feel is the emptiness; that my mom isn’t there.
The last thing I want is for my sister to have a graduation like I did. My high school graduation was one of the worst events of my entire life. A day full of happiness that I was excited for since kindergarden was taken from me because the one person who wanted to see me walk the most wasn’t there. All my family and friends were miserable. My dad just cried. During my graduation dinner my grandma didn’t smile once. There was nothing but awkward silence. Silence and emptiness.
Preparing for graduation was rough as well. During the last graduation rehearsal when my fellow students and I were practicing going up on stage to take our diplomas I just broke down crying in front of my entire grade. I wanted to avoid that day more than anything knowing my mom wouldn’t be there.
Being up on stage, getting that diploma, that’s supposed to be that moment you feel proud, special and accomplished. The time I had on stage was the longest moment possible. All I could think of is where my mom would be with her huge smile. Instead I just saw the looks of misery on the faces of my close friends and family.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair it happened, it’s not fair that words to express this feeling don’t even exist. When my sister went up on stage tonight to get her chords for graduation all I could think of was my mom, and that smile. During moments like this my mom would have this huge smile. It looked like her cheeks would hurt, but she just kept smiling. But she wasn’t there.
It feels like a nightmare really. It’s been two years and I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I don’t understand why this had to happen to my family, and why out of all the people in the world it had to happen to one of the most good hearted people in it.
I really don’t know what to do. No matter how happy I am or what I achieve there is always that hole there. It’s like the elephant in the room that you can’t ignore no matter how hard you try, it’s still there.
I can honestly say out of everyone in my life, friends, family, etc that she was the one person who would never miss a single moment like that in my life. She would go every night to the show I was in, she would be in the front row at my thespian competitions, she took me to all of my college auditions. She was my sunshine. There is no word sad enough to describe how miserable I am without my mom and there is no word happy enough to describe how incredible my she was either, except for one; and that is sunshine.
That’s what she was. That’s what she’ll always be remembered as. And events and milestones just aren’t as happy without sunshine.
Dad's Eye View: Sucks/Awesome
One of the perks of being a parent, in my case a Dad, is you get to go through childhood again, without all that pesky school, bullies, and asking for permission all the damn time. You get to see childhood again, literally from above this time. One of difficulties of this is to not push all the cool stuff you liked as a kid onto your child too much. They could turn around and rebel, and boom, before you know it, your kid doesn’t like comics books and thinks Star Wars is lame. So tread lightly.
Dylan isn’t even two years old and already, I’m trying to introduce some stuff I think is cool. But there are some universal things that every childhood has and I’m starting to see them, from above, with a Dad’s Eye View. Some things are awesome, others just have no value and suck. Here’s a few of what I’ve come up with so far:
- Bubbles - Dylan loves to watch Christina and I blow bubbles, he thinks it’s hysterical. But I gotta be honest, blowing bubbles, sucks. It’s boring and usually ends with slimy bubble solution all over my fingers. Oh and while we’re on the subject, could they make the openings to the bubble bottles any smaller?!
- Toy’s without volume control - When I was a kid, I’m pretty sure I never thought, “This toy is too loud.” As a parent I’ve thought, “This toy is way too fucking loud. Where’s the volume switch? It doesn’t have one? GoddmanmotherfuckingpieceofshitIhate youfisherpricedon’tyoupeoplehavekids!” I know I’ve said, “Wow, that’s a loud one, huh Dyl?”
- Goldfish Crackers - I know. They taste awesome BUT, any clumsy parent will tell you, these little golden bits of child inducing silence have a way of quietly and stealthily making their way to the floor without you knowing. While on the floor, they lie and wait to be stepped on only to crumble is a pile of goldfish shaped crumbs that always seem to litter the floor.
- Legos, square and triangular blocks - Sure they’re fun. But they are the bane of barefooted parents everywhere. Lego: Making Parents Everywhere say, “Ow, Fuck!” In Front Of Their Kids Since 1932.
- Graham Crackers: I don’t know it happened but Graham Crackers fell off my radar for decades before Dylan was born. What a shame! All those Graham-less years, what a waste. I’ve instituted a “one for you, two for me” thing with Dylan and Graham Crackers.
- Balloons: Between letting the air out and watching them fly around the room with a little trailing fart sound, and the “don’t let it touch the floor” game, balloons are awesome.
- Legos - I know they’re on the Suck list…but it’s Lego’s, and Lego’s are awesome. Plus, I don’t have to feel like a ghoul buying Lego’s for myself when I have a kid.
This is an ever-growing list and I don’t have time to go through them all, I have Lego’s to step on and Graham Crackers to eat.