“There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”
—Judith “Miss Manners” Martin“Miss Manners' solution to adjusting the conventional salutation to an age in which women are as likely to be in business as men, is to use 'Mesdames' or 'Dear Madam,' under the assumption that a well-run business is run by women. If she sends a letter of complaint, she uses 'Gentlemen' or 'Dear Sir.'”
—Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin, published 1983
“There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”
—Miss Manners (Judith Perlman Martin, Wellesley Class of 1959)“Some people are quite rude to women they meet socially these days, asking them right off "What do you do?" as if they wouldn't be worth talking to unless they had professional affiliations. Others are quite rude by not asking women what they do, as if to assume that they wouldn't be doing anything professionally. Social life is so much more interesting now than it was when there was only one way for a gentleman to insult a lady. Miss Manners herself has managed to alienate various gentlemen who have asked her, "Do you work?" or "Do you still work?" or "Do you work full time?" simply by replying to each, "Oh, yes; do you?" Gentlemen are so touchy. ”
—Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Judith Martin, published 1982. The origin of “gentlemen are so touchy.”“A ceremony is not a show, and the emotion connected with it is supposed to be derived from participating in a known ritual, not from being diverted by jokes and surprises. The tendency to undercut ceremonies -- which is being done frequently, not just at graduations but at weddings and even funerals -- all but directs the participants and audience to be bored. And by the way, it is not itself amusing.”
—Judith Martin (Miss Manners)“DEAR MISS MANNERS: What am I supposed to say when I am introduced to a homosexual "couple"? GENTLE READER: "How do you do?" "How do you do?”
—Judith Martin, Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
I love Miss Manners, for her unwavering desire to treat all people with respect. sometimes, she writes about how good it feels to respond to awful people with unflinching politeness, as a subtle form of shaming disrespectful behavior. here, Miss Manners has done just that. she fails to take the homophobic bait of the writer and instead provides them with an answer that is both correct and delightfully to the point- an excruciatingly polite smackdown that says Miss Manners is not going to give you her approval to be an asshole to gay people, gentle reader.
you can usually find a copy of this book for under $5 at thrift shops, and I reccomend it. you might think that someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of etiquette would be boring, but Judith Martin is a kind, witty woman who clearly enjoys what she writes about.
“Dear Miss Manners: What is the most efficient way of eating artichokes? Gentle Reader: For those who want to eat efficiently, God made the banana, complete with its own color-coordinated carrying case. The artichoke is a miracle of sensuality, and one should try to prolong such treats rather than dispatch them speedily. An important part of sensuality is contrast. First pull off a leaf with a cruel, quick flick of the wrist, dip it in the sauce and then slowly and lovingly pull the leaf through the teeth, with the chin tilted heavenward and the eyes half closed in ecstasy. If the sauce drips, a long tongue, if you have one, may be sent down to get it. When the leaves are gone, the true subtlety of the artichoke reveals itself: a tender heart, covered with nasty bristles. To contrast with the fingering, there should be a sudden switch to cool formality. The fuzzy choke should be removed with dignified precision and a knife and fork, so that the heart may then be consumed in ceremonial pleasure. ”
—Judith Martin, Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct BehaviorWhat Does A Man Do At A Restaurant, Part 4028
Miss Manners, 10 May 2013:
Dear Miss Manners:
Who should a husband seat first at the dinner table, his mother or his wife?
Gentle Reader,
The one he loves the most.
On Internet Etiquette: A Wellesley Story
lifestyle.msn.comOne of the things I loved about Wellesley is how outspoken and passionate we are about any topic, whether its Gay rights, Troy Davis’ death, or grammar. One of the major challenges, however, for our community to communicate *politely.* I recall students saying horrible things about others on old community via first class that they would never have the guts to say to the persons face, or at least they never did to my knowledge.
Similarly as alums, we have created forums for ourselves, like Community on Facebook as well as this blog here— and we are bound to disagree or find it necessary to correct one another (example the spelling of Cee-Lo Green). But when the conversation goes from disclosing a divergent opinion to name calling or shaming, thats a problem and its a problem we should have gotten over by now.
Tumblr gives us a certain advantage b/c we can remain anonymous (I may advise folks that if you wish to stay anonymous, perhaps you should not have your real name posted on your tumblr or your twitter account profile). However even if you have a pseudonym, that doesn’t give you license to bash others in our community by calling them morons or what have you
But as another Wellesley alum suggests, perhaps when such a comment is made, its best to avoid it all together:
Dear Miss Manners,
As you know, blogs have become an increasingly popular way for people to share experiences and ideas. Much of what is written is personal, and even dull. But sometimes, important topics are broached.
I don’t usually offer input to bloggers, but recently, I read a blog about a major topic with which I am deeply concerned. I disagreed with the stance of the blogger, and posted a polite and carefully worded suggestion that differed from hers.
My note was met with such rudeness and vitriol, it took my breath away. I restrained a crushing reply; at the same time, I realized this person was not really interested in dialogue.
What would you recommend in such a situation? Is it worthwhile to respond to bloggers at all, and if one does, how should one respond to rudeness?
Gentle Reader,
Anyone who has a driver’s license ought to know how to deal with belligerent strangers: Speed away as fast as you can.
That is not to say that everyone out there is waiting to run you down. But some are. The proper response, Miss Manners assures you, is not to.
I hope that we as a community of alums, who for the most part respect and admire one another, can learn to go beyond flame wars where we bash one another personally rather than focusing on the issue at hand— that is at least what I hope for with respect to this blog.
I am a gentleman in my 20s!
Miss Manners, 26 April 2013:
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentleman in my 20s and work in a very large office building. I am absolutely smitten (!) by a most angelic young lady who also works in the building. We cross paths in the lobby at least weekly and exchange repeated glances and smiles.
Unfortunately, I know nothing about her except that we work for different employers (she rides a different elevator bank), so getting a proper introduction seems impossible. I know from reading your column that a gentleman wouldn’t try to pick up a stranger in public, nor would a lady respond to such an overture. However, in such a situation, isn’t it permissible for a lady to “accidentally” drop her handkerchief in the gentleman’s direction, he picks it up and offers it back, thus giving these two strangers a legitimate reason to engage in conversation? If so, is there a similar maneuver that a gentleman may use?
Did I mention I am absolutely smitten (!)? I know you don’t dispense dating advice, but I would really appreciate your help here.
Gentle Reader,
Have you considered casually tossing your monocle at her skirts?
