Entry 3: Roller Coaster
Hello my little micro-me. This week you have delivered dozens of surprises. Sudden onset morning sickness, larger breasts, a sudden aversion to turkey. But you are not allowed to make afraid to have sex! That’s just not kind, little one.
Scanning through every article about spotting while bleeding, panicking and damn near breaking down. I’m nervous and terrified every time you cause a little red spot. Any time before this ended in heartbreak. I’m torn between grabbing my coat and braving the 30 degree weather to rush to the emergency room and possibly look silly over nothing, and sitting here, calmly, to see what comes of this situation.
Please little Bean, please only be joking. (if you’re anything like your mother, you are, and you’ve already achieved being the best practical joker out there).
Miscarriage. The word sits heavy in your chest. It pulls you
down,
under,
below an ocean of disappointment and frustration, washing over and through you.
Wave after wave after wave
Surges of feeling like a failure, feeling like you’ve lost something that was never really yours.
You’ll be brought to the coast by those vicious waves, and you’ll be left there.
You’ll search for ways to fill the holes, the holes that are stretching in you now, tearing at your skin and tugging at your seams. They’ll pull and push and you’ll want to crumble, to shatter into pieces.
Useless, incapable pieces.
As you’re expected to move on, your parts will stay on the shore, to be collected by clumsy hands of unknowing people.
You’ll always be pieces on a shore somewhere, forever remember the push of the ocean on your innocence. He or she may be gone but they will always remain a part of you. A shell on your own shore, a ripple in your ocean. Remember this.
Dear mr hallmark from heaven
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.
She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.
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This is disgusting.
First, it looked like South Dakota might pass legislation that could legalize the killing of abortion providers and now Republican Georgia State Rep. Bobby Franklin has once again introduced an anti-abortion bill that would make miscarriages a felony if the mother can’t prove there was no “human involvement” in the loss of the fetus.
According to Fox News, Franklin’s bill would make all abortions – described as “prenatal murder” – illegal based on the belief that all life begins at conception. Anyone convicted of prenatal murder would face the death penalty or a life term. Franklin’s bill does not specify what defines “human involvement” of how the law would be enforced.
Miscarriages, or pregnancies that end on their own within the first 20 weeks, are common, with as many as 40 percent of all pregnancies ending that way, frequently before a woman misses her period or even knows she’s pregnant. It’s not known what causes them, but it’s commonly believed that miscarriages are a sign that the pregnancy is not developing normally.
Franklin has tried to introduce the same “right-to-life” bill each session since 2002, but it has never advanced out of committee.
http://www.sodahead.com/united-states/georgia-law-may-make-miscarriages-a-felony-would-this-deter-abortions/question-1548281/?page=7
Unbearable
I’ve never felt such a strong physical ache from an emotional pain before. I took a nap and I woke up screaming. Angry. So angry and hurt and tired. Then it quickly just turned into fear and regret and pain. A type of pain that just crashes over you. Kinda like when you’re in the ocean you can constantly feel the waves rushing over you but every now and then you get a overwhelming huge wave that just crushes you down. That’s how this feels. A constant pain that never just stops it only gets worse. It’s like I’m sinking and I’m trying to gasp for air and I just can’t because I’m completely emerged under these waves.
I can't put my mind around this...
Who tells their own grandchild, who is 10 year old to pray that her mother has a miscarriage. I mean I understand that the mom has had about maybe 8 kids and mostly all from different guys and half of them got taken away from her but to tell a 10 yr old to pray or just to pray period for them to miscarry is wrong! I can’t wrap my mind around this. She prayed for her own daughter to miscarry, the sad thing is she actually did miscarry. Now this 10 yr old is going to get the wrong idea about things. I’m glad that she lives with Aunt and not the grandmother even though she still sees her every now and then. Actually the Aunt’s husband/boyfriend is an ass to this now 11 yrs old and he favors her cousin over her. This whole family is screwed up!
When I read or hear stories about women miscarrying, it honestly breaks my heart. One of my biggest fears, even to this day, is that something could happen to Allison. And if something ever DID happen to her, I would lose it.
When I was about 6-8 weeks pregnant, I got a REALLY high fever. I was at Kevin’s Mom’s house, and while she and Kevin were talking, I passed out. And from the second I woke up, all I was concerned about was if I was going to miscarry. I obviously didn’t, thank god. But if I had I would have been devastated.
I just can’t imagine that kind of heartbreak. To find out your pregnant, and then to lose the baby. It’s awful. And most of the time it’s for the best, meaning the baby most likely had something wrong with it and would have died later on anyways. But it’s still heartbreaking.
I don’t know. It just makes me really thankful that I have a healthy little girl. NEVER will I take that for granted. Because not everyone has a healthy baby.
Why would you pretend to have a miscarriage?
I’m not talking about pretending to be pregnant and then having a pretend miscarriage. I’m talking about telling everyone you had a miscarriage but actually didn’t.
I just found out that someone who was two weeks ahead of me is still pregnant. Despite telling us all months ago she had miscarried (might I add scaring the shit out of me).
If you didn’t want people to know till you were out of the first trimester, then why tell people in the first place?
I’m sorry but pretending you had a miscarriage and keeping the lie up for months is a horrible thing. We all felt so bad for you. I felt terrible because my baby was fine.
You could have just said you thought you were but you were just late.
Don’t pretend to miscarry … that’s like the worst thing ever in my mind! Its just wishing it on you baby.
And before anyone says maybe she thought she did, she didn’t.
-.- just really bothers me this…
Niece's Birthday
Was the same old boring time. My sister in law’s husband’s sister was there with her new baby. He was a month old and very cute.
It made me very sad when my husband’s whole side of the family was looking at him over and over and holding him.
It made me sad because I feel like that should be me, that I should be bringing a new baby into their side of the family and I failed…
I know its not my fault it just made me very sad and teared up a couple times.
Letters to Heaven (lyrics I wrote for my miscarried baby)
~*~ This is a rap that I wrote about my angel baby, and something that every angel mother can relate to ~*~
Letters To Heaven
No one could understand but a parent bereaved
The pain that I feel and this loss so hard to grieve
It starts out as a dull ache as you hear the news
That your unborn child you are about to lose
Everything hits you at once, you don’t know what to do
You cry out and tell them to instead take you
You do what you can, then you fight til the end
Then heaven-wards your baby’s soul will be sent
You pray for one last miracle as this all goes down
Then the baby’s gone and you make tears from a frown
And as your baby ascends, it takes with it your heart
And you feel like you’re left empty and torn apart
My dear unborn angel babe
In the grave you have been laid
Even though we’re not together
You will be in my heart forever
I love you to this very day
And in my heart you’ll stay
Now go on and fly away
And keep lighting my way
You’re sent home empty-handed with empty arms
You wonder what you did to cause your baby harm
You feel guilt, feel ashamed as you cry all night
You feel angry, feel hurt, against the darkness you fight
Sometimes you wonder why you couldn’t join your child
Sometimes you feel crazy and like going wild
There is no greater pain than losing your spawn
It doesn’t matter how far you were along
You look at your photos and have trouble letting go
You feel deprived and have never felt so low
You have trouble watching pregnant women walking by
You can’t look at babies and you just want to die
I love you and I miss you
In my heart you rule
A moment in my tummy
But I’ll forever be your mommy
I know you’re watching over me
I’m being as strong as I can be
I promise I’ll make you proud
I know you’ll be cheering loud
It’s hard to face the questions wondering if it’s true
No one seems to understand the turmoil inside you
Sometimes you want to scream and sometimes you cry
Sometimes you feel like life is passing you by
You look down and your belly is no longer round
When you go to the doctor no heartbeat can be found
Can’t hear children crying, you can’t stand the sound
As your baby’s body rests cold in the ground
You remember that time is the key that heals all
You got to hold on even when you’re about to fall
You’re not sure who to talk to and not sure where to go
Your child is in a better place and wants you to know
Mommy I can hear you
Mommy, know I love you
I promise it’s alright now
You’ve got to survive somehow
I’m watching you mommy so be good
And come meet me like you should
I miss you mommy, but just know
That I’ll meet you when it’s time for you to go.
