About This Journal
I’ve been trying to write each day for the last several weeks. Some days I am able to write something I feel is post-worthy. Other days it is better for me to write in my paper journal. Some days I just scribble and that’s all that is coming out. Today, I am feeling kind of stuck, but not stuck in the no-idea-what-to-write way. I have an idea in my head that’s been percolating for a couple of days now: I want to write an erotic story. This particular story is more sensual than overtly sexual. It’s a fantasy, but identifies closely with some of the fetishes and desires I’ve had for a long time, many of which have not been fulfilled, and may never be.
I want to write it and share it. I was going to post it on my regular journal, but there are some people who read that who might be triggered or upset by erotica or frank discussions about sex. For that reason I made a separate journal here to post the story, and perhaps some others I’ve been thinking about writing.
I also have some essay-like things to say about sex and sexuality that are more appropriate here than the other journal. I’m not sure when I will have time to write them, but at least I have a place now.
To me, one of the most intriguing ways to really connect with others is to learn about what turns them on. Each one of us has a unique sexual identity: like a fingerprint, it has an infinite number of permutations and possibilities. Even enthusiasts of the same kink or fetish often have wildly different interpretations of what that twist means to them, colored and shaped by their experiences and interactions with the world.
I have a hard time finding porn that doesn’t frustrate me and make me feel angry, flat, or dumb. When I watch something, I want it to make me think. It is rare that porn makes me think - usually it helps me not think and I end up using it as an escape. My salvation has been literotica.com: a massive collection of erotic stories. The collection is uneven - some are well written, some turn me off based on their mechanics or lousy grammar. Sometimes I download a story and change it around to heighten its appeal to my own personal kinks and fetishes.
It’s time for me to try writing my own stories, based around what turns me on. Maybe you will find them intriguing. Maybe you will laugh at me, but that is okay too. I welcome your comments, your raised eyebrows, even your condemnation. I already have a condo lined up in hell, next to the lake of fire. I might as well enjoy myself a bit.
Part One - Sexism.
Sexism
(n)
- attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles
- discrimination or devaluation based on a person’s sex, as inrestricted job opportunities; especially, such discrimination directed against women.
Oppression is an ever present issue. Oppression against women and female-identifying persons is rampant, almost moreso today than in the rest of modern history. We (female-identifying persons) have come such a long way since the early 20th century.
We can vote, we can hold office, we can join the army. Women (I’m using this term to encompass all female-identifying persons) have an incredible amount of freedom compared to what we used to. I’m not denying that. But we can’t seem to get rid of the gender roles that have plagued us for centuries. (Keep in mind that I am speaking mainly of Western civilization).
Women are still seen as the care takers of the family. We are still seen as trophies. There is still the “virgin v. whore” attitude. And what sickens me is that many women and girls (younger and younger) willingly play into those roles. (And I don’t mean being femme, high femme, or feminine. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there is something wrong when girls look at Twilight’s Edward Cullen as the perfect man.There’s something wrong when JCPenny can sell shirts that say “I’m too pretty to worry about homework.” There’s something wrong when Planned Parenthood clinics are bombed and the women in those communities don’t care).
Right now, the GOP and many conservatives are flat out attacking women for wanting to branch out of those roles. Anti-choice (I call them anti-choice because many want to force women to stay pregnant, to force women to give birth) groups are putting more and more pressure on those who are funding women’s clinics, like Planned Parenthood, to withdraw money. We saw what happened with the Susan G. Komen fiasco.
Women are being blamed for being raped. They are accused of being liars, of being dirty, of being greedy for attention and money. (Those types of women are out there. But have you ever heard of the confirmation bias? Look it up. Those women are very few compared to the ones who aren’t lying.)
As a sexual abuse survivor, let me tell you something. I didn’t ask Gerhard Maas to touch me that afternoon. I never asked him to call me “sugar tits” when I was 8. I never asked for him to continue to verbally assault me as I grew older. I never once asked this elderly man, whom I revered as a grandfather, to ruin my childhood, and a good part of my adolescence. When I told someone about it, before I blocked those memories, I was called a liar. I was 9.
I never asked those men to try and grab at my ass as I was walking home my junior year.
I never asked to be threatened by that man by Publix.
No one asks to be assaulted.
But women today are being told that the abuse hurled at them, that the assault they survived, was their fault. By men. By police. By other women who have internal misogyny.
Women are being oppressed. It’s not as loud as it was in the early 20th century and before, but it’s still there.
We are oppressed because we still live in a patriarchal society. We are oppressed because men still have the most power when it comes to practically everything.
We are refused jobs. We are given a lower salary. We are being told we musn’t get raped. If we are, it’s our fault.
Doesn’t that bother you?
