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When I was 16 I worked at McDonalds. One day my boss pulls me aside and tells me that we have a situation. “There’s shit everywhere” he told me. I followed him into the men’s washroom and nearly doubled over from the sight.
It was as if someone had spread their ass cheeks apart, pressed them against the wall, and unleashed the most explosive diarrhea fury this world has ever seen. There was shit on the floor, the wall, and yes, the ceiling. Nothing in the toilet though. A pair of discarded underwear lay folded in the corner.
My boss pulled me back out of the rest room and grabbed my shoulders, “You’re the only guy working today and I don’t have it in my heart to make one of the girls do this. I will give you $100 cash and the rest of the day off.”
I dressed up in a suit of armor made entirely of plastic bags and duct-tape and marched into the bathroom with a garden hose and a bottle of sanitizer. After 30 minutes of spraying and flooding and mopping I emerged victorious with $100 in my pocket and the respect of all my peers.
I was the poop destroyer.
The coolest boys from my town in 7th grade
When I was in 7th grade, I still hadn’t hit puberty. Despite my transcendentally beautiful eyes/luscious bottom lip, middle school rules dictated that the most physically developed kids were the most attractive and worthy of attention from the opposite sex, so girls werent into me like that.
The coolest boys in my grade had all hit puberty and hung out with each other. There were about 8 of them & they were inseparable. They began biking to school together, eating together & loitering in town together. The hottest girls in the grade fawned over them because of how much hairier/smellier they were than the average kid (the main member Nathan, boasted the fact that he needed deodorant and would pity me for not smelling as bad as him).
The group grew so tight they eventually named their posse: The Bloods. Despite the fact that a gang with said name already existed, the origin of this gang’s name was derived from their obsession with The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ album Blood Sugar Sex Magic. They loved that album, it was the soundtrack to their lives. The Bloods would get shirtless during recess, lock arms and scream the lyrics to “Under the Bridge” as middle school girls (grades 6-8) blushed/squirted every time one of their voices cracked.
Everyday after school, The Bloods would go to a sandwich shop in my town called Hoagie Haven and devour 2-foot subs with their impressive pubescent appetites. Eventually, The Bloods made a strict dress code statement, only wearing Hoagie Haven t-shirts (illustration below) for every group appearance. Girls would watch them eat sandwiches and get burped on as other members of the Bloods wrestled on the sidewalk. Having limited options (and crushes on all the girls that crushed on them) I’d usually hang out and watch the natural order of things occur.
Though I was friendly with some of them in previous years, they had all grown into oily werewolf boys and I was still a beautiful hairless cherub. My physical inadequacies made it obvious (to both them and me) that I would never make it into The Bloods. As I mentioned, there were about 8 or so members BUT if a person were interested in joining the gang, there was one rite of passage: You had to be able to masturbate.
The Bloods were so excited by their new penises that they took every opportunity to pull them out and jerk off (indoors or outdoors) but only in front of other guys. I remember hanging out at a park skateboarding when Nathan pulled out a porno mag and Danny said “SiCk! Im bout to beat 1 right now!” then pulled his dick out and jerked off while sitting on a bench (his friends hung around him, waiting apathetically). “Aw man, sorry if im making U jealous Nick,” Danny apologized, completely serious, “I feel like I shouldn’t even make this sound around you” *scratches his pubes making a traumatizing brillo sound* “you know? cuz u prolly don’t have hair yet..” He was right, I couldn’t cum and was ashamed/weirded out by the concept so I skated about 50 feet away/shredded fliptricks on my board till they were done.
Their excitement towards group masturbation culminated in sleepovers where they’d all beat off together in the same room. A bunch of greasy, oddly-formed tweens wearing t-shirts with sandwiches on them would sit in a room together listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers while masturbating. They were also inarguably (and by far) the most popular kids in my school.
When they’d show up to middle school dances, girls would line up to make out with them. They’d alternate girlfriends and usually the kids would try to make out until they’d cum in their pants, then brag about it to the rest of the Bloods. Teachers gave them high fives and asked them about their BMX bikes and stuff. Everyone wanted to be friends with them so one day I attended a sleep over at my friend Alex’s house (a Blood member who was cool one-on-one but succumbed to Nathan and Danny’s attitudes when in groups) hoping that the sleepover stories were just rumors.
There were about 10 boys sleeping over, all of us in the same room right next to the kitchen. Alex’s mom baked some really good cookies and they had rented “There’s Something about Mary” for the sleepover. We began the movie, started eating cookies and Alex’s mom went upstairs. Everything was fine until that scene where someone sees an old lady’s wrinkly naked boobs through binoculars. Everyone suddenly whipped their dicks out and began grunting while masturbating furiously. In a catatonic stupor, I stopped chewing my cookie and let it melt in my mouth hoping that if I stayed still enough, I would disappear. I noticed the only other kid in the room without their dick out was this kid Andrew (a very shy kid who lived next door and probably had no idea what he was getting into). Andrew sat on the carpet holding his knees, shivering in fear. I tried to get Andrew’s attention, hoping he’d look back so I could nod that everything would be over soon/life would get back to normal, but his eyes wouldn’t leave the carpet below his feet. As the grunts grew louder, one of them said “Andrew, why aren’t you doing it!?” (after all, he was more mature than me). His dead eyes slowly lifted from the carpet and looked straight at me, looking like Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket. I have yet to see that amount of despair in any man’s eyes.
He answered something about not wanting to do it and they persisted but I had stopped paying attention by then. My mind had retreated to some dreamworld where teenage mutant penises didn’t harass me and social status wasn’t directly proportional to how much butt hair you had. I stopped hanging out with The Bloods after that and having felt snubbed they began bullying me for years. I don’t really know what the moral or conclusion of this story is but if you’re in middle school or highschool and read my blog, the mean kids that are popular now will have hilariously boring jobs when they’re older and the girls you think are hot in middle school will probably be vapid 4s by the time you hit your 20s.
Oh wait no the conclusion is please remember this story every time you hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Memoirs About Mental Illness
Agorafabulous! (2012) by Sara Benincasa
The author, a comedian and blogger, explores her experiences with agoraphobia and depression.
An Unquiet Mind (1995) by Kay Redfield Jamison
The author, herself a psychologist, chronicles her own struggles with bipolar disorder.
Bitter Medicine (2010) by Olivier and Clem Martini
Olivier, a graphic artist, and Clem, a playwright, create a graphic memoir about their family’s struggle with schizophrenia.
Blue Genes (2008) byChristopher Lukas
The author explores his family history of depression, bipolar disorder, and suicide.
The Center Cannot Hold (2008) by Elyn R. Saks
The author tells of her experiences with schizophrenia while also becoming a professor of law and psychiatry.
Darkness Visible (1990) by William Styron
The celebrated author of Sophie’s Choice explores his experience with depression.
Drinking: A Love Story (1997) by Caroline Knapp
The author tells of her long battle with anorexia and alcoholism.
Electroboy (2003) by Andey Behrman
The author’s story of bipolar disorder and electroconvulsive therapy.
Girl, Interrupted (1993) by Susanna Kaysen
Kaysen, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, chronicles her two-year stay at a psychiatric hospital at age 18.
Girl in Need of a Tourniquet (2010) by Merri Lisa Johnson
The author’s struggle with borderline personality disorder.
Hurry Down Sunshine (2009) by Michael Greenberg
A father’s look at his daughter’s struggle with bipolar disorder.
Just Checking (1999) by Emily Colas
A mother’s story of OCD.
Loud in the House of Myself (2012) by Stacy Pershall
The author’s story of eating disorders, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
Lucky (2002) by Alice Sebold
The author chronicles the trauma she experienced after she was raped in college, and the depression and substance abuse that followed.
Marbles (2012) by Ellen Forney
A graphic memoir about the author’s experiences with bipolar disorder.
Monkey Mind (2012) by Daniel Smith
The author’s battles with anxiety.
Passing for Normal (2000) by Amy S. Wilensky
The author’s story of Tourette’s syndrome and OCD.
Prozac Nation (1994) by Elizabeth Wurtzel
Wurtzel chronicles her experiences with depression and substance abuse during her college and young professional years.
The Quiet Room (1996) by Lori Schiller
The author tells of her seven-year long journey through psychiatric hospitals and halfway houses in her battle with schizo-affective disorder.
Running With Scissors (2003) by Augusten Burroughs
The author chronicles his childhood in which his mother sent him away to live with her psychiatrist.
Skin Game (2000) by Caroline Kettlewell
The author explores her story of self-harm throughout her young adult life.
Sickened (2003) by Julie Gregory
The author tells the story of her abusive mother’s experience with Munchausen by proxy disorder.
Stalking Irish Madness (2008) by Patrick Tracey
The author attempts to unravel his family’s history of schizophrenia after the disorder plagues two of his sisters.
Unholy Ghost (2002) edited by Neil Casey
An anthology of writers on depression.
Wasted (2009) by Marya Hornbacher
In this Pulitzer Prize-nominated book, the author tells of her 14-year struggles with eating disorders.
Welcome to My Country (1997) by Lauren Slater
The author, a psychologist, chronicles the stories of her patients and connects them with her own experiences with mental illness.
When Rabbit Howls (2002) by Truddi Chase
The author tells her story of dissociative identity disorder through her alters.