Legs

“The one” doesn’t exist.

There are 1000.  

And at some point, you must pick which one you would like to invest in, assuming you want monogamy.  The person you pick will not be perfect.  They will have flaws and defects, as do you.  

Now, the basis in which you form your choice, that’s the complicated piece.  It all depends on where you’re at in your life and what you’re looking for / what’s important to you.  This changes by the way.  What I wanted in my 20’s is very different from what I am looking for now at 39.  This whole when you know, you just know is movie magic.  You are playing Russian Roulette.  I understand the power of gut feeling.  I believe in that also.  But investing solely on what we feel doesn’t equal solid legs of a relationship.  Many times, it just means we’re continuing a familiar unhealthy pattern.  

Appearance, chemistry, butterflies in your stomach, things you guys have in common, tastes in movie, music, and books, yes, the list goes on and goes.  Not only as a therapist but also someone who has been in relationships most of my life, here are a few main factors to consider.  They are what I believe are legs.

Breasts.

Penis size.

Bank account.

Joke.

Guys, if I didn’t splash a little humor on top, I wouldn’t be me.  Okay, here we go. 

Does the person have emotional intelligence?  This means do they have the tools to build you a safe container.  Or do they always make it about them?  Turns things, not take responsibility.  Constantly put themselves first. Listen but don’t hear you.  And if you find yourself attracted to these characteristics, what does that say about you?  Many are gravitate toward “brokeness” because they want to fix or help, because it makes them feel important and valuable.  They think they’re giving but what they’re really doing is taking, trying to fill a hole within themselves. 

Is this person supportive in your journey?  Do they believe in you?  What you’re doing, what you’re about.  They don’t have to agree or enjoy the same things you do, but do they have the ability to be on your team because that’s their definition of loving someone.  This is imparitive when it comes to surrounding people who encourage your potential instead of block it.  Your partner should be the leader in that.

Do they have the ability to express themselves?  Communication.  If someone is afraid or don’t have the ability to express how they feel, whether it’s because that’s how they are wired or they don’t deserve to be heard, you will be left in the dark.  The point of a relationship means to do life together.  Without this conduit, you are doing life alone and sometimes with your mate.  It cracks trust and causes room to drift.

Do you guys have great banter?  Before you blow your lid, let me explain.  There needs to be a dance, a groove, a hitting the ping pong back and forth.  More than just humor, a way you guys are with each other.  Mostly unspoken.  Chemistry will fade, go up and down through out the life of the relationship.  And it’s this organic banter that can jump start it. It’s this pop that refreshes the relationship daily and keeps your mind on each other, and gives you the feeling that this is -

“the one”.

Ladies and gentlemen, the four legs.

Emotional Intelligence.

Support.

Communication.

Banter

Of course there are many other elements, like confidence, humor, sexual chemistry, etc.,  But without these legs, the relationship will eventually crumble.  Because without these things, trust, chemistry, connection is not possible.  And so the dominos fall…

With them, you can put anything on your table (relationship) and it will hold.

- Angry