BROKE-ASS COLLEGE STUDENT YAKISOBA
ARE YOU TIRED OF YOUR REGULAR, BORING-ASS RAMEN?
WELL HOLD ON TO YOUR KNICKERS ‘CAUSE WE’RE GONNA MAKE SOME FUCKING YAKISOBA!
(sort of)
THIS SHIT IS FUCKING CHEAP AND EASY AS FUCK SO DON’T GO ALL WORRYING YOUR TITS OFF.
SO HERE’S THE LIST OF VICTIMS:
- 3 GODDAMN PACKS OF RAMEN NOODLES! FLAVOR DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL MUSCLE YOU’RE PUTTING IN IT! IF YOU USE PORK, GET FUCKING PORK RAMEN! I USED SHRIMP, SO I GOT SOME FUCKING SHRIMP RAMEN!
- MEAT! (fucking shrimp i don’t gotta explain SHIT to you, but seriously, get what you want, just match it with whatever flavor ramen you got)
- A WHOLE FUCKING HEAD OF CABBAGE!
- A CAN OF BEAN SPROUTS!
- SOME THICK-ASS SAMURAI BLOOD TERIYAKI SAUCE! DON’T GO GETTING THAT LIQUIDY SHIT, THIS NEEDS TO BE BBQ SAUCE CONSISTENCY.
IF YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON SOME TONKATSU SAUCE, INSTEAD OF STANDARD TERIYAKI SAUCE, THEN USE THAT INSTEAD, BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS MAGICAL.
SO NOW YOU WANT TO START FUCKING COOKING!
BOIL ENOUGH WATER FOR 3 PACKAGES OF RAMEN NOODLES. IT’S GOING TO TAKE A LONG FUCKING TIME SO DO OTHER STUFF WHILE THAT’S HAPPENING. LIKE CHOP UP THAT ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD OF CABBAGE.
I KNOW YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING “WHOA, HOLD THE FUCK UP! I GOTTA USE THE WHOLE HEAD?” YES YOU FUCKING DO! THIS SHIT COOKS DOWN. USE THE WHOLE FUCKING HEAD. - THOSE PITIFUL CHUNKS SHOULD END UP ABOUT THE SIZE OF AN ANGEL’S TWO FINGERS, HELD TOGETHER IN PREPARATION TO HEAL SOME IDIOT.
YOU PROBABLY WANT TO START COOKING YOUR MEAT AROUND THIS TIME TOO. (UNLESS YOU’RE A LAZY-ASS AND GOT PRE-COOKED SHRIMP. THEN YOU ADD THAT SHIT IN LAST.)
SO SLICE UP YOUR MEAT REAL THIN-LIKE AND PUT THAT SHIT IN A PAN AND LIGHT A DAMNING FIRE BELOW, MEDIUM-HIGH-HEAT
PUT YOUR CABBAGE IN A MOOSE-SIZED PAN AND START FRYING THAT UP. YOU CAN PUT A LITTLE WATER IN THE PAN AND THEN COVER IT UP TO HELP IT STEAM AND COOK FASTER! THIS TAKES ABOUT 7 MINUTES, YOU ONLY WANT THIS BULLSHIT SOFT, NOT WRINKLED AND LIMP.
ADD IN THE BEAN SPROUTS SUPER LATE IN THE GAME. THEY’RE DELICATE MOTHERFUCKERS, AND IF YOU WANT THEM TO STAY FRESH AND CRUNCHY, SLAP THEM IN ABOUT 2 MINUTES BEFORE THE CABBAGE IS TOTALLY DONE.
SO WHILE ALL OF THIS SHIT IS COOKING, MIX UP YOUR SAUCE! I HOPE YOU KEPT THE FUCKING LITTLE CONDOM-SHAPED FLAVOR PACKETS FROM THE RAMEN, BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA DUMP THOSE IN YOUR TERIYAKI SAUCE!
USE ABOUT 1/2 CUP OF SAUCE AND TWO OF THE FLAVOR PACKETS BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE SALTY AS FUCK. MIX THAT SHIT UP AND TOSS A TABLESPOON OF SUGAR IN FOR GOOD MEASURE.
IF YOU’RE FEELING LIKE A TRIUMPHANT ASSHOLE THAT JUST ESCAPED THE PIT OF HELL YOU CAN THROW IN A TEASPOON OF SOME SRIRACHA. (but really you should be using sriracha on everything anyway because shit is motherfucking magical)
SO WHEN YOUR WATER STARTS BOILING, THEN DUMP THE THREE PACKS OF NOODLES IN! IF YOU STARTED BOILING THE WATER FIRST LIKE I FUCKING SAID SO, BY THE TIME IT STARTS BOILING THE REST OF THE STUFF SHOULD BE MOSTLY COOKED.
EVERYTHING BUT THE WATER HAS THE HEAT TAKEN AWAY. THEY SHALL HAVE TO RELY ON THEIR OWN BODY HEAT TO KEEP WARM IN THIS DESOLATE TIME.
BOIL THOSE GODDAMN NOODLES (IT TAKES LIKE FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING INSTANT RAMEN), THEN DRAIN ALL OF THE WATER OFF IN A COLANDER, RINSE THOSE FUCKERS WITH COLD WATER, TURN THE HEAT IN YOUR CABBAGE PAN BACK ON TO HIGH, THEN PUT IN THE NOODLES!
FRY THOSE SUMBITCHES UP FOR A 3 MINUTES, REJOICE AS YOU PUT YOUR ANIMAL FLESH IN!
POUR ON THE SAUCE, MIX IT ALL TOGETHER, COVER IT AND LET IT COOK FOR 5 MORE MINUTES, AND YOU’RE FUCKING DONE!
THIS DEFINITELY ISN’T SHIT-YOUR-PANTS ~AUTHENTIC~ YAKISOBA, BUT IT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT HOLE. THIS IS HOW MINE TURNED OUT:
THIS ASSHOLE RECIPE PROBABLY MAKES ABOUT FOUR SERVINGS, FUCK IF I KNOW, IT’S A LOT OF FOOD BUT I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY!
THIS IS THE BROKE-ASS COLLEGE STUDENT VERSION, IT PROBABLY COST LIKE TWELVE BUCKS TOTAL.
SO EAT THAT SHIT UP.
(A ‘SHIT-YOUR-PANTS-AUTHENTIC’ YAKISOBA RECIPE WILL BE POSTED LATER)
MOTHERFUCKING VERSATILE ASS RISOTTO
NEED A DAMN SIDE FOR DINNER? NOTHING TO GO WITH YOUR BLOOD-DRIPPING MEAT OR YOUR HARDCORE VEGETARIAN SUBSTITUTE?
I’M HERE TO SAVE YOUR POOR ASSES.
STEP RIGHT THE FUCK UP MY METAL FRIENDS, BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO MAKE A PRETTY DAMN EASY RISOTTO THAT IS THE SHIT TOGETHER WITH ANYTHING!!
YOU’RE GONNA NEED THE FOLLOWING TO MAKE THIS FUCKER:
- A
MEDIUM-SIZEDPOTGODDAMN VIKING HELMET’S WORTH OF VEGETABLE BROTH - ONE BIG ASS YELLOW ONION
- SOME FUCKING MINCED GARLIC
- A SHITLOAD OF PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS
- SOME MOTHERFUCKING BUTTER
- A FUCKING BOX OF ARBORIO RICE
- SOME PARMESAN CHEESE - GO FOR MORE IF YOU WANT A CHEESIER TASTE FOR YOUR STRONG ASS TASTE BUDS
- TWO CUPS OF DRY WHITE WINE BREWED FROM THE TEARS YOUR ENEMIES - I RECOMMEND A FRUITY ASS WINE BUT DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT
- HERE’S A HINT - FOR EVERY 1 CUP OF RICE, YOU’LL WANT ABOUT 2 CUPS OF BROTH AND A HALF-CUP OF WINE. THIS RECIPE USES A HALF-BOX OF RICE, SO THAT’S A SHIT-TON OF FOOD
ALL RIGHT. CHOP THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ONION OF YOURS. MAKE IT FUCKING CRY FOR MERCY.
BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MUSHROOMS WITH A KNIFE BLESSED BY A CHILD DRESSED LIKE THE POPE. THEY’RE THE MAIN ATTRACTION, SO MAKE SURE THERE’S SOME FUCKING HEARTY CHUNKS IN THERE.
GRATE THE DAMN CHEESE.
HEAT UP A FRYING PAN - MEDIUM HEAT SO YOU DON’T BRING OUT TOO MUCH HELLFIRE. WE DON’T WANT THE DAMN UNIVERSE ALIGHT WITH FLAMES.
FRY UP YOUR ONION AND YOUR GARLIC UNTIL THEY SMELL REALLY FUCKING FINE. FIVE MINUTES OR SO? IDC, AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE ONION TO START APPEARING TRANSLUCENT.
THEN TOSS IN 3/4 OF YOUR MUSHROOMS AND FRY THAT SHIT UP FOR ABOUT SEVEN ASS-KICKING MINUTES!!
ADD A LITTLE EXTRA BUTTER TO THE PAN, THEN THROW ABOUT HALF OF YOUR FINE ASS RICE INTO THE PAN!
FRY THAT SHIT FOR A FEW MINUTES. YES, THERE IS DRY RICE IN THE PAN. CONFUSED? CALM YOUR TITS. IT’LL MAKE SENSE IN A MOMENT.
NOW SPLASH IN A BIT OF WINE AND STIR THAT MIX UP. HOLY SHIT LOOK AT YOUR MAJESTIC ASS, LOOKIN LIKE CHEF FUCKING RAMSES. REMEMBER TO USE WHITE WINE, ASSHAT.
POUR IN A LITTLE OF THAT FINE ASS VEGETABLE BROTH, TO QUELL THE GROWING RAGE WITHIN THAT PAN. .
YOU WANNA STIR COMPLETELY TO BALANCE THE FLAVORS. HEAR THAT? FLAVOR BALANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS, FEELING GOURMET YET?
ONCE ALMOST ALL THE LIQUID IS GONE FROM EVAPORATION, REPEAT THE DAMN WINE AND BROTH PROCESS.
KEEP REPEATING UNTIL YOU’RE OUT OF WINE AND BROTH!
STIR A LOT SO IT DOESN’T DECIDE THAT THIS PROCESS IS BULLSHIT AND START TO BURN~ NOTHING RUINS A NICE AFTERNOON LIKE YOUR FOOD REBELLING.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S A SHIT-TON OF BROTH AND WINE IN THE PAN!
YES, GOOD, YOU’RE OBSERVING. FANTASTIC. STIR ONE LAST TIME AND THEN ALLOW IT TO SIT. ALLOW THIS FOOD TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS SAFE FROM YOUR PASSIONATE WORDS AND TOUCHES FOR THE MOMENT.
SURPRISE! THROW IN THE REMAINING MUSHROOMS. CACKLE AT THE SHOCK YOU SEE IN YOUR FOOD’S FACE, AND CROUCH DOWN TO BE HIDDEN ONCE AGAIN. A PROPER POT DOES NOT BOIL WATCHED.
LEAVE ON THE HEAT, UNCOVERED, WHILE IT SIMMERS. THIS SHOULD EVAPORATE WATER UNTIL ALMOST ALL THE LIQUID IS GONE AGAIN, LEAVING ONLY TRIUMPHANT FLAVOR BEHIND~
NOW TOSS IN YOUR FINE-ASS CHEESE.
IF YOU WANT THIS SHIT TO BE MORE LIQUIDY, REMOVE THE PAN FROM THE FLAMES OF HELL NOW!! IF YOU DON’T, KEEP IT IN THE DEVIL’S DOMAIN FOR A LITTLE LONGER!
CONGRATS, CHAMP. YOU’VE NOW MADE SOME FINE ASS RISOTTO THAT GOES WELL WITH FUCKING ANYTHING.
GODAMN EGGS AND AVOCADO TOAST WITH EASY-AS-FUCK HOLLANDAISE SAUCE.
HAVING SOME MAJOR FAT CRAVINGS? OF COURSE YOU ARE. LOVE AVOCADO? OF COURSE YOU DO THAT SHIT IS DELICIOUS.
WELL DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU.
YOU’RE GONNA NEED (FOR ONE PERSON)
- TWO FUCKING HUGE EGGS
- TWO PIECES OF THE BREAD OF YOUR CHOICE
- AVOCADO
- MUSTARD (POWDERED WORKS BEST BUT IF YOURE A COMPLETE BADASS YOU COULD USE JARRED)
- LEMON JUICE
- BUTTER
- SALT AND PEPPER
GET ALL THAT SHIT TOGETHER ON YOUR COUNTER. SMELL IT. BREATHE IT IN. NOW GET TO WORK, YOU DON’T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY!
TAKE A SKILLET THAT WILL FIT ALL YOUR BREAD WONDERS IN IT. SLATHER THAT BITCH IN SOME OIL, OR BUTTER, OR SPRAY. GREASE IT IS WHAT I’M SAYING TO YOU, SHITFACE. GREASE IT TO WITHIN AN INCH OF ITS LIFE. PUT IT ON MEDIUM HEAT, AND LET IT WARM.
TAKE A SMALL MIXING BOWL AND SLAP IN AS MUCH BUTTER AS YOU WANT. I USE 1 and 1/2 TABLESPOONS, BUT IT’S YOUR FUCKING DECISION SINCE YOU ARE THE CHEF. MELT THAT SHIT IN THE MICROWAVE. ADD A SPLASH OF LEMON JUICE AND A FEW GOOD SHAKES OF MUSTARD, DEPENDING ON THE POTENCY OF YOUR BREW. WHISK THAT CONCOCTION TO WITHIN AN INCH OF ITS LIFE. BLENDERS WORK BETTER BUT WE’RE NOT OPENING A FUCKING FRENCH BREAKFAST NOOK WE’RE JUST MAKING ONE GODAMN SERVING. SO WHISK IT LIKE THE STONE COLD, METAL BADASS YOU ARE! PUT THAT SHIT ASIDE.
YOUR SKILLET SHOULD FEEL WARM NOW IF YOU HOVER THE BACK OF YOUR HAND NEAR ITS UNFORGIVING SURFACE. AWESOME. TAKE YOUR BREAD. USING A KNIFE OR A COOKIE CUTTER, CUT OUT A NICE HOLE IN THE CENTER OF YOUR BREAD, BIG ENOUGH FOR AN EGG. SLAP THOSE CUT UP SLICES ON THE SKILLET AND LISTEN TO THAT GLORIOUS HISS OF COOKING FOOD.
NOW HERE’S WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS. THIS SHIT IS GODAMN SUPERNATURAL RIGHT HERE. TAKE YOUR EGGS, CRACK THEM OPEN AND JUST DROP THE DELICIOUS INSIDES OF THE UNBORN FOWL INTO THE HOLE YOU MADE IN YOUR BREAD.
SO THATS GOING TO TAKE A SOLID 3-5 MINUTES TO COOK ON ONE SIDE DEPENDING ON YOUR STOVE’S RAW, BRUTAL POWER.
WHILE IT’S COOKING, SLICE AN AVOCADO IN HALF. WRAP THE HALF WITH THE PIT IN IT AND PUT IT BACK IN THE FRIDGE FOR LATER.
CHECK FOR COMPLETION ON YOUR TOAST. YOU KNOW ONE SIDE IS COOKED WHEN IT IS GOLDEN BROWN, ON THE VERY EDGE OF BEING OVERCOOKED. IT TAKES A FEW FUCKING TRIES TO MASTER THIS, BUT A GOOD RULE OF THUMB IS IF YOU SEE JUST A TINY BIT OF DARK BROWN, FLIP THAT SHIT. LET THE OTHER SIDE COOK.
ALMOST THERE, YOU GORGEOUS ASSHOLE. SLIDE THOSE COOKED SLICES OF DELICIOUS TOAST ONTO A PLATE. SLICE AVOCADO ON TOP OF THOSE BITCHES, AND THEN DRIZZLE YOUR SAUCE, SALT AND PEPPER ALL OVER THAT BRAIN-MELTING GOODNESS.
DEVOUR.
