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today in church, we got there normal time but still late.. earlier than usual though. there was a lot of people in worship like makki (guitar), esther (lead singer and piano), patrick (back-up singer), leanne (back-up singer), emmanuel (guitar), daniel (drums) and sally (bass gutiar). they were still on the right side except for makki who was on the left side by himself. pastor george spoke.. i listened here and there but not fully. i just kept getting distracted by the people around.. i think i should sit up front so i dont get distracted and i pay attention. he was mostly talking about love for God and the church. also about how we should be bold about our faith.
This got me thinking cause.. my friends and maybe but hopefully not me would go to hell. they’d spend eternity there if they dont get saved by God. I dont want this to happen.. eternity in hell?? its just really sad to think about this. i’m pretty sure that when i do get in heaven, i’d be upset knowing that my loved ones are in hell. i need to share the gospel of God to them. it makes me sad to think right now that some of my friends dont have God in their life. i know their life would be a hundred times better if they knew God and had an actual relationship with him.. but the thing is.. how am i suppose to share and lead them to God if I, myself, aren’t even sure if i am saved. i dont even really have a relationship with God but i’m working my way up again. how am i suppose to share if i dont have the courage, i cant explain things and the things i do say dont make sense. HOW? How God?? How? I dont have the courage. I have multiple insecurities. I can’t talk to anyone seriously yet alone open up to anybody.
I think I really will try this year to be friends with everybody and really welcoming to the new comers. I want to be everyones friend.. I want to be someone that people can come up to and just talk, rant on, be silly with or whatever. I want to be a leader but I doubt this’ll happen. I want my teachers to also like me.. I want to be the sweet person I was/am and actually be able to show it to everybody. I’m tired of teachers not liking me. I’m tired of being one of the troublemakers in class. I’m tired of doing bad in school and copying peoples homework. This year, I want to be different.. God help me. show me who to love. show me who to trust. show me who needs to be shared the gospel to. show me who you want me to hang out with in class and also who i shouldnt be around. help me to never get influenced with doing anything physical to the opposite sex, smoking, skipping, cat fights, or just anything you wouldnt want me to do.
soo today after the service, i went to the gym and to see whose in there and maybe play. but i went out cause i just didnt want to play. when i was walking down the hall, i saw pastor george. he just said ‘hey’ with a really big smile. i didn’t get to hug him at all today :( anyways, when i got out.. i saw kuya matt cleaning up the coffee table by himself. he was getting ready to push the carts out to wherever they go. i asked him if he needed help but he said no… but he can use a hug. i hugged him tight and didn’t let go for a while. but kuku slapped/pushed me and asked for a hug too. so i did.. then when he left.. i hugged matt yoo around his waist. we were walking like that for a while. i just didnt wanna let go. when we were walking in (cause we went out to help with the cars) he told me about to concert. he told me how he missed me being there.. cause he didnt have an arm rest >.> then he said he was holding that big umbrella for everyone for a long time. he said no one helped him. no one said thank you to him either. he said that his hands/shoulder/arms hurt from holding it. i felt bad when he said this cause he held the umbrella for them but no one said thank you to him. no one appreciated for what he did to them.. thats just really sad. i can’t believe these people. can’t they just say ‘thank you’ to him and actually show him they appreciate him? he goes somewhere with them cause he wants to hang out and just be with someone. even if he doesnt like whatever were doing, he still goes.. they sometimes treat him like he’s the driver and he doesnt complain.. well at least not out loud but maybe he does in his head. he does so much for people and they just dont notice it
he already had been having this problem where he was depressed and he didnt have anybody ever since the thing at RCF happened. the last couple of weeks where pastor chris and jane was about to leave, he cried in church. and he talked to pastor chris about it. cause he felt so alone and he didnt have any friends. this has been going on for a while now. the last couple of weeks, he’s been looking sad and its like somethings bothering him.
a while ago after church.. like when we were all done packing up and everyone is just socializing.. he was just sitting under the stairs. he was there all by himself.. looking at people. i came to him and just talked.. gave him a hug. i looked at him in the eyes and i saw his eyes teary. i asked him whats wrong cause he’s eyes are teary.. and he said its just that he’s tired and he didnt get enough sleep from the concert. we had a couple of small talks. he thanked me for coming to him. he had his arms on shoulder the whole time and i was just playing with his hand. then we when we were on our way to himalaya to eat, he texted me ‘Thx thx te charisse.. Ur so sweet! :)’ awwww. i still haven’t texted him back.
when i got in himalaya.. i talked to him.. then i asked him if he wanted to eat there.. then he said no.. then he said lets just go out cause its embarrasing to go there and just suddenly walk out. we did.. everyone followed. we decided to eat at little ongpin. i sat at the very end of the table where i was in the mid of pat and emma. then he told me how im so far away from him. then i told him to sit in front of me but he didnt want to. so i came to sit beside him. we got moved to a different table and i still sat beside him with emma in front of me. he cared so much about me a while ago. like when we got food, he makes sure i get some. or when i needed water.. he got me some.. even if i didnt tell me anything. when gurdit took emma’s and my napkin, he replaced it with a new one. the table arrangement was, from the mirror to the side, pat, kev, matt, me then in front of me was emma, leanne, jemmie then bel. me, matt and emma were like the ones that got left out. cause all of them were just talking and having a great time. they didnt include us in their convo. well we couldnt really hear what they were talking about. i was quiet the whole time just eating. i tried to ask what they were talking about like why ate bel kept laughing so hard all the time.. or why kuya was loud.. but no one payed attention to me. i dont think i even ever got my questions answered once. they always ignore me. i was asking a lot in the beginning and just trying to see what they were talking about but i gave up in the end. i just felt stupid asking and being ignored the whole freakin time.
i can’t imagine how he feels to be ignored all the time and not be appreciated for the things he do. i remember last week when we went to the castle park and kuya ti moe ti carried me on his shoulders. i screamed a lot and wanted to get off. kuya matt yoo was gonna help me get off.. but kuya tim wasn’t letting go. he seemed so concered about me falling off.
in my mom and dad’s vow renewal.. we were dancing. no one actually invited him to dance but maybe mostly me. i did a slow dance with him and he taught me some of the basic slow dance that people do. it looked like he just wanted to dance with someone.
something random that i just dont wanna rewrite: I wanna hug you so tight and not let go. I feel bad for the way people treat you. I know you just want to be noticed, appreciated and feel wanted.. but no one’s treating you right. I notice all the little things you do.. like a while ago, I was sitting beside you.. When we had sinigang.. you served everyone first before yourself and you ended up not having any of the meat cause they were gone. Or when botz wanted some rice but tots didnt hear her and gave it to emma and me.. then i gave it to you cause u didnt have rice.. but instead, you gave it to botz first then thats when you got some. you also help out a lot around the church now a days. i remember before when it was always ur brothers thats helping take down the stuff and you’d just socialize and help stack the chairs. what you told me about the concert a while ago.. like when you were holding the umbrella.
I want to show you that I love you and care about you. I want to give you the attention and appreciate that you deserve. I want to be the one thats always thanking you and letting you know that the little things you do make a big difference in people’s life. You’re so caring, like seriously! You care soo much about the people around you. I know how it feels to be left out, not have friends to be with/hang out and be there for you. I know how it feels to not be appreciated and not given attention. I know how it feels to not have anyone to open to. I know it hurts and I don’t want you to go through the same things I went through (Ok this sounds stupid cause you’re older than me and have gone through so much things.. but what I mean is that I don’t want you to go through this again) I can’t promise to fix all your problems but I can promise that you don’t have to go through this alone and that I’ll always be here by your side, always. Even if it just means being quiet and not being alone. I know you won’t open up to me and I don’t really known what to say, but I will listen and I promise not to judge you.