This is what happens when I get enough sleep.
I’ve come to an epiphany.
And I am well aware that it is not a good thing that has dawned on me.
You know that person your parents don’t want you hanging around with? You know how they’re a bad influence? How they’re a sinner and shouldn’t be associated with?
You see, I have realised that I am that guy your parents warned you about. To stay away from.
The person that prompted a starting, a judgment, and a quick grab of the youngest child’s hand, dropping the Cheez Its. And the fall Cheez Its brought my gaze to them, only confirming their predetermined belief that I will harm their children, corrupt their children, pervert their children, destroy their children.
Parents never want their kids to become like me.
And I never wanted to become just like me.
Things just kind of happen.
I’m something I never thought I could ever be.
I’m a homosexual. I’m a fornicator. I’m a law-breaker. I swear like a sailor. I let people walk all over me. I argue with my mother. I don’t really Love. I have very few friends. I flirt with all. I’m what would be called “easy”.
And you all think I have fun at it?
I’ll be honest. Completely honest. I think about it every day: I don’t want to be gay. I hate being gay. I’m as proud and shameless as could be, but if I could change, I would… I just…hate myself. All because I’m gay. Everything I’ve done has never changed this attraction in myself that I couldn’t bear to crush as long as I did. It just had to spill out…
I don’t regret the things I’ve done, but I wish I saved it for someone special…
I’m glad I haven’t ever been caught.
I can’t even use nice words. I don’t have them.
I’m a passive person, and I am so fucking compassionate that it hurts me and those around me. Paradox? Shove it.
I say I hate her. And I mean it. She is the type of person I avoid at all costs in school. She’s the person that makes me cry. She makes me cry. And I wish we could get along. I wish she could get over her pride, and I wish I could get over my pride. Because there is almost nothing left between us. And the fact that I don’t even have a mom, not the fact of her yelling, is what upsets me so much.
To all those I’ve told that I Love… I have lied. I suppose I am sorry. I suppose. But it’s hard to Love everyone when you can’t Love yourself.
I can count the people that truly matter to me on one hand. With a few fingers left over.
If you’re gay and at least semi-attractive…
And again, I don’t regret it. But I wish I did all these thing with someone I Love, not with people that I could barely give a flying fuck about. What…more than a dozen people in the last 8 months? Only one person mattered to me, but I meant nothing to him, so that doesn’t even matter. And none of it mattered. I would be fine not trying all these things. I don’t want to have regrets about not having fun as a teenager. But I’m already having them…
So, there’s all that. All that. On the table. I’m sure some of you will judge me. Some of you will scorn me. Some of you will say that I’m ready to turn a new page, and move forward. Some of you will touch me gently on the shoulder, look me in the eyes, and say that you’re there for me.
Just…don’t. Don’t. I’m fine.
All I feel like doing is sleeping. But I can’t do that. Too much to do.