Dear Richie,

I haven’t written one of these to you in awhile. I’m not sure if that’s because of how busy I’ve been up at school or because I just don’t know what else to say. Even now I feel like it all gets so repetitive and I’m talking in circles trying to make sense of what’s going on in my head, but I always seem to go back to that one phrase: I miss you. And it’s been easy to ignore the pain and prolong the grief because I’ve become somewhat of a work-a-holic. I’ve spent the past 3 months pushing myself to do things I didn’t even know I was capable of doing - and in some strange and fucked up way, I have you to thank for that. Indirectly, of course. But I guess with the amount of work I’ve been doing and the perfection I’ve been trying to reach in that work, I’ve become so lost in stress and details that I didn’t have time to be sad. But I always felt alone. And the only time it would hit me hard was those late nights, where I was physically, alone and awake in bed, picturing you lying beside me sleeping as I tapped away on my computer.
It still amazes me that it’s been five months, and that I’ve been able to, in a way, move on with my life. But at the same time, whenever I happen upon some free time and I go to look at pictures of us, videos of you, I’m hit with the realization that I’m still hurting, bad. I don’t know how to explain it in a way that’s understandable for everyone, including me, but it’s a bizarre feeling, reminding myself that I will never fall asleep beside you again, that I won’t be able to wish you another happy birthday, watch a movie with you online instead of going out with our friends because we’re 6 hours away from each other. We’ll never go out to dinner and double date with our friends, or plan surprise birthday parties. And even though all our friends are still together, there’s still something missing, and I know it’s because you’re not there with us. I do realize that, from time to time, even despite the distractions I’ve given myself. It’s hard not to think “If Rich was here…” in almost any situation. Even when I’m with our friends and I’m getting exhausted like I usually do, you would make up some dumb excuse for us to leave, and then we’d just go back to my room and watch a movie until we fell asleep. And it meant so much to me that you didn’t question my introverted ways, and that I never had to ask you, you just knew.
I always think back to before we started dating, how much I liked you - how much you liked me - and how I was too stubborn to make it official for fear of… I don’t even remember what. Maybe I was afraid of losing that tough girl reputation that I’ve spent years working to maintain - the girl who couldn’t be got, the guy no one wanted to be with. I don’t really know. I do know one thing though - letting myself fall for you was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Because you fought for me. You fought with me. And you never gave up. There were time where I was sure you’d call it quits - especially when we fought. I always seemed to push the limits, subconsciously trying to see if you’d walk away. Every fight was a test of endurance, and it made us stronger, because you refused to give up. When I was pushing you away, closing doors in your face, signing offline, turning off my cellphone, refusing to give you any sort of response, you still found a way. And on some level, no matter how much I claimed I wanted to be alone…I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to find that alternative way. I wanted to talk to you, all the time.
I know I’m not healed yet, because I can’t look at pictures of us without feeling that familiar heaviness in my chest. I’ve faced the reality of you no longer being here, but it’s still a struggle to be genuinely happy. I don’t know if it’s because I no longer have those distractions, or because we’re rapidly approaching days like Christmas, New Years, and your birthday, or even because it’s been a year since the first time we ever exchanged words…but I find myself missing you more than ever. I wish you were here.