Dear Universe,

Thank you for creating Michael Weatherly. I really rather appreciate it.

Much Love,

Modje.

To 2011, The Year That Went By Too Fast and To 2012, The Year That Just Can't Wait

It was a conversation with one of my really good friends that did it; that little slap in the face. A little reminiscent of what we’ve been through, a little regretful of the things we could’ve done but didn’t, a little nostalgic to find that some of these things may soon be coming to an end but more than anything, thankful that we’ve been through so much and thankful of where we are now. 

“This year went by too fast,” I told her. 

She laughed, “That’s what happens when you’re in college, darling. Before you know it, you’ll be working on your thesis and then in a couple of months, graduation.” 

I don’t know if that made me eager or sad. For the most part, I was just a giant heap of emotions curled up in a little ball wishing (way too desperately) for time to move just a little bit slower. To give me a little time to prepare myself, to breathe, to learn and the hardest part: to unlearn. 

2011 went by too fast. Way too fast - whatever time I’d asked for, that little pause, that stop in the clocks - it didn’t come. It never does. So here I am, faced with the reality that 2011 is about to end. 

So to 2011, the year that went by too fast: you beat the shit out of me. I knew I had it bad before, but I didn’t think I could ever feel the way I did this year. Despite everything you put me through, you have also given me all the reasons to keep going. Fuck you and thank you. You have thrown far too many things my way - caught me off guard more times than I expected you to - but I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? You have kicked me to the curb, beat me unconscious and left me bleeding like a bloody pulp for one time too many. And yet, you have also returned to nurse me back to health. You have cradled me, ran fingers through my tangled hair and waited for me to get better. Sat by my bedside until you were sure I would get back up just so when I do, you could throw me in an ocean and wait to watch me drown only to pull me out at the very last minute. 

Suffice it to say, it has been an emotional roller-coaster ride - but then again, isn’t that the case every year? 

I have never been more wounded, never been more broken in my life than I was this year. (I can clearly recall saying the exact same thing last year - I hope this isn’t going to be a pattern.) I mean, I thought I knew emotionally damaged, I thought nothing could top what I’d already been through but life has proven me wrong (yet again). So, to 2011: to that punch in the gut that was well needed, to the false hopes I desperately clung on to, to the answered prayers and pleasant surprises, kudos to you. To the year that went by too fast, I have only one thing to say. You have taught me well and to be perfectly honest, I wish I could do everything again, and maybe this time, live every heart-wrenching moment of it. Or you know, do it right - better. But it’s too late for that now. There is less than a day left and only so many seconds in a minute, so many minutes in an hour, so - I really don’t think many is the word - so little time left to do all that. 

So we move on, or at least for now, we try to. 

Look ahead, they tell you. Fine, you oblige. 

To 2012, because we’re supposed to look ahead, may you be kinder to me than 2011 was. I think I’ve had enough of the punches in the gut - it’s not a very fun place to be, the bathroom floor, it doesn’t exactly provide the most welcoming arms for a girl, nor the most ideal - please, if you will, spare me at least that much. A soft blow now and then if you think some sense needs to be knocked into me but enough with the punches - and if I may, I think there might have been too much of the drowning this year. My lungs are still trying to recover. It’s been a rough last two years. Asthma’s not something you can shove out the door, in hopes that it’ll get the message. It has a tendency to linger. Maybe you could ease up on that too, while you’re at it. 

May you also be a better teacher - and I say that because 2011 was obviously a really great one. No sarcasm here, I promise. Throw things my way but never be vindictive. I will learn only if there are things to be learned; only if there is but the tiniest bit of wisdom to be gained from it. Please, I know life isn’t fair - but for the most part I really do hope you will be. Again, I cannot reiterate more the fact that 2011 was tough on me, sometimes, baselessly. Lastly, because it’s worth a try and because my mom always says think positive and think ahead - Thank you. Thank you in advance for a year that will be immensely great to me. 

2011, I really, honestly do wish you could stay a little while longer. Believe me, you have no idea how much I want time to stop right about now. If it were up to me, 2012 would be light-years away. But I guess you have to go. Even if you weren’t exactly golden, I cannot deny that you and I had an amazing run. Again, thank you. They were wrong in saying what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. It doesn’t. It makes you smarter; I’d like to think. And you’ve given me that at least. It’s been quite a year. 

2012, I wish I could say I’m ready for you but I’m not. So instead, I say, here we go. 

Universe, we'd be very grateful if you helped Justin get this job.

It pays well, it’s not far from home, and even if it is with people who aren’t so wonderful all the time, it’s so much better than the “nothing” he’s been making.