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I still struggle with my weight... And I'm not where I want to be... Yet.
But… I don’t eat (or any of my other old tricks) to abuse myself anymore.
I don’t run from challenges. I may whine, but I won’t run.
I seek out answers to my issues, rather than pretending they aren’t there.
I’m becoming the fighter I’ve always been, but never let show before.
I am actually strong, not just pretending like before.
I am in a relationship that is open, honest, loving, and pure. I NEVER thought I would have that. He sees me - all of me - and loves me all the more for it.
So, yes… my body isn’t perfect - but my heart, mind, and soul are in a really good place. Isn’t that what realty matters?
I love that my parents force us to do things that we eventually secretly start loving. Camping, road trips, getting involved with events, mushairas, volunteering, sports, art, public speaking. They pushed us past our comfort zones when we were young and it allowed me personally to find my passions and motivations in life. There were some loud arguments during the process but it wasn’t all bad.
he told me i was cold, too calculating. that where he was whipped like cream, the real stuff, i was brick, red brick, the stuff victorian England was built on. when it ended, and our contrasting parts parted ways, his tears leaked into my foundation and i carried his image of me as liquid reminders forcing my sharp edges to melt.
he told me i was mysterious, a head full of thoughts wrapped around lasers and secret codes, booby-traps, and guard dogs. only the bravest dared enter, but he was sure something special was hidden inside. he was guarded too, but his secrets were written in scar tissue, one for each gash suffered from a childhood of invisibility wrapped in hyper-visibility. i took my time reading his scars, anticipating where one would meet another, which spots were still tender, where a gentle brush would wreck him to the core. the kind of contact that sends pain shooting to your mind, dropping your defenses breaking you open.
they all come by, peering into me like a fogged glass, wondering where to put their hands as they attempt to handle me, searching for purchase, a way in. some have gotten close, retreating just as the final door creaked open, leaving me wide waiting for them to step in. others have brought dynamite, chisels and hammers, scissors, paint and brushes- tools to change me, turn my something, into their someone.
me? i’m just here, inside doing some reconstruction. after all the damage done on the outside, and the damage i’ve done on the inside, i figured it was about time to put things in order. one that i approve of. maybe when i’m done i’ll recognize myself again.
this decade will be the prime time of my life. I will make sure of that. from start to end. I will be happy and do all the random, cute, adventurous shit I have always wanted to do. I will love every second of it. I will look back at this decade of my life and want to relive every moment of it. all the stories I tell my kids and grandchildren will be from my 20s. I will live my 20s to the fullest. so much that if it meant I was going to die the next day, I’d be okay with it because I know I made the most out of my life and that I was happy and took something important out of every single one of my experiences. I will travel and I will explore. I will get rejected from a plethora of jobs I’ve wanted to pursue but I will eventually find my place somewhere out there. I will meet new people and remember their faces. I will meet new people and not like them and forget about ever meeting them. I will experience creepy things but I will experience uplifting things. I will mess up and do shitty kinds of shit and be completely okay with it because I will have grown from it more than ever. I will cry and I will struggle and I will be hurt and I will hurt unintentionally and I will feel like I’m at the end of the world at some points, but I will laugh and I will move on and I will believe that things get better and I will make change. I will go broke because I will want to try everything but I will be okay with spending money on things that gave me some of the best memories. I will get fat and cry and I will try to look good during this decade but I will not care and I will still eat until I cannot breathe. I will be diagnosed with diabetes and then I will die. hahaha okay, maybe not. but I will have to make tough decisions but I will be both happy and disappointed for all the ones I end up making. I will lose some people on this journey but I will also know more than ever in my heart who will be the aunts and uncles of my kids. I will try some of the scariest and weirdest and unexpected shit but I will never regret it. I will fall in love and maybe even out of love. I will fail at so many freaking things but I will always have people who believe in me at the end of the day. I will mess up but I will make up and most of all, I will be unsure about all that’s out there for me but I will take risks, good ones and bad ones. I will challenge myself always and take all the challenges that youth, love, life, truths, and other abstract things bring. yes, that’ll be my 20s. fucked up in the worst and best ways, but amazing at the end of it all.
Everything's going pretty well.
After an hour of pretty much just laying here & re-evaluating my life… I’ve come to the realization that everything’s perfectly fine right now.
Friday afternoon, went to Disneyland with the housemates. Got on so many rides in the time-crunch we had given ourselves. Putting that Disney pass to good use, too.
Friday night, drove up to West Hollywood & went clubbing with some of the greatest people. Let’s just say it didn’t turn out as planned, but I still had a great time. Good company & good vibes throughout the entire night, regardless of who I was with.
Saturday, I had work. I got to train 2 new employees & it felt good knowing what I was doing. For the most part, I know I’m good at my job. & finally got the hang of most of the things. It’s a great feeling. Also got a surprise visit from some friends. Those little things… I swear, always make my shift 100x better each time.
Got back to the apartment & was welcomed with some leftover Filipino food brought home by the roommate. I haven’t had much real food lately, so that was definitely heavenly in my mouth (that’s what she said?).
& now I just got an extra hour back because of daylight savings.
Is it sad to say that this temporary happiness will be washed away the day I go back home? Yeah, that’s just sad.
But let’s not think of that right now. Everything’s just fine. I’m gonna catch up on studying tomorrow morning. Clean my room. Idk. I’m in a somewhat good mood. I think I can sleep now.
It is strange, but over the past couple of years I’ve completely abandoned the culture my family identifies with. They’re of Pakistani descent. Looking back, I think what sparked this was a few bad encounters with individuals who also identify with this population. The past two years have been spent by me trying to assimilate completely into the society I live in, the one I was born into. I tried to ward off all traits and patterns from my parents’ culture, almost to a point where it became a dislike.
I started feeling a weight inside me. A guilt, almost. I felt empty. I started questioning my apprehensiveness, and at the bottom of it, I was unable to find any substance or depth. I realized that those individuals who wronged me were simply identifiers of that culture. They were NOT the culture itself. It was wrong of me to generalize about the entire group.
So, since this realization, I’ve been allowing this aspect of my identity to stream back into my life. I understand that my parents’ culture has always been fused with my American identity - to form who I am. My personality, how I interact with others, how I perceive everything - all of these things are impacted by my influences. And after fully bringing this to my own attention, I feel really comfortable and at ease with myself. I will no longer allow a select few to taint the image of an entire population and/or culture. Like all cultures and groups, there are good and bad characteristics. It’s somewhat empowering to be able to filter out the bad and mold it into what serves YOU the best.
In sum, don’t fight who you are. It’s a good feeling.
It’s really interesting how we go about choosing things. How we go about picking what’s important and what’s not. How we go about treating something with more attention than something else. How we are selective in the help we give, how we are actively ignorant of some matters, and how we overall approach situations. Do we give something more importance because of the situation or because of our connection/ties/relationship with it? Do we help because it helps us or because it’s in our best interest or just because we want to help? Do we give something more importance because it was previously ignored or because everyone else is doing so? Do we pick what’s important based on what’s told to us or because of what we know of it?
I would really like someone to answer this for me.
wow ok so I have to go home in nine hours and maybe that coffee earlier was a bad idea because i still have to sleep and pack and stuff but i’m wide the fuck awake
so here’s some late night reflections from elle
there are 46 of you following me and i love you all
i never expected to have so many people so soon
and to have posts that were so popular (i did not think the osculate one would be so hot but wow)
i thank every single entity that has liked, reblogged, and/or followed me and my sciwitchy shit
i don’t think i’ll ever get tired of tumblr telling me that X has liked my post, Y has reblogged, or Z has started to follow me
i think it is super cool that there is a niche for the hybridization of science and witchery and i’m not the only one who sees the huge overlap
and i just want you all to know that i love you and i don’t bite and i like talking so if you’re ever wanting to drop a line then get comfortable and drop a fucking line ‘cause you’re a motherfucking boss and i love you
I can’t explain the feeling of “knowing” something before consciously reading/hearing about the entire picture. My mind puts things together on a deeper level, and I find it puzzling how most information is not shocking to me. I find it puzzling that I almost find myself saying to someone “I know” instead of “oh that’s new/strange”. My mind is an enigma and I trust it to the point I can’t explain how it knows.
Intuition or closed-mindedness /jumping to conclusions?
I’m such a tangent person though. I enjoy taking big leaps without restriction so I don’t know. I enjoy tangents. :)
Why do I so easily expect that we are all good friends now? Maybe not super close friends but good enough. I always find it so strange to be placed back in a normal setting after spending so much time with people and then finding that some things have changed, but then again, not really. It makes me sad. Perhaps it’s because I invest a lot in people. We could be such a fun group to hang out with here and there. I’ll certainly try planning things but I wonder if they care as much as I do or if I am just spending too much time thinking into it.
And I have been strangely emotional at night these past few days. It’s really annoying because I don’t even know why. Someone Freud me.