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My mind feels so jumbled up. I have so many thoughts and feelings but they all seem to conflict with each other. Sometimes I don’t know what my identity is. Who am I in this world? What is my purpose? What can I do or how am I special from other people? Last week this university group that I am in called Campus for Christ did a talent show and it was amazing to see how talented people were. But a the same time I wonder what my talent is. Recently this year I’ve had a couple people ask me what my God given talent is or gift and I honestly don’t know. I am not trying to be humble but I haven’t figured that out yet…
some lines on a dream i had last night
there’s something foggy in waking up.
a fine mist that lays on skin and forms a fine film of haziness. you carry that with you throughout the day, the feeling of the dreams that were stuttering in your empty head all night while you, eyes closed and mouth slightly open, slept.
quiet, sunlight echoing through the blue of the curtains after fighting through the blinds. pushing and shoving for space between the cracks, seeping and bleeding into the room.
the blanket was bunched up just so, in a long cluster of wishful thinking i guess. life size and pressed fresh against my chest.
it was smiles and girlish gasps, the grandeur of being a gentleman, and the instant knowing in having the same taste in music.
it started with a fight with the person i love most in the world and ended with some figment of my imagination offering to buy me a beautiful stone clasped in a necklace and me not being able to choose.
in between were people i knew, but they were different. places on the wrong side of the road, professions mixed up. i don’t know why that happens.
but it has given me this strange feeling i feel i must put down into writing. an energy buzzing around me, a brightness in my head. resounding.
it’s funny how i wake up different every day. changing all the time.
I’ve got an angel on one shoulder.
A devil on the other.
One tells me ‘hold on.’
The other tells me ‘let go.’
The only problem is
I don’t know which is which.
Is one right?
Is one wrong?
Both will coexist
Until they become
Both will haunt me
Until I understand
My own mind.