Personal Post Paturday
You guys, it was 16 degrees two days ago…and now it’s 52 degrees.
And…some people don’t believe in global warming.
When I was in high school and we were learning about global warming and what not I remember seeing cans of aerosol spray…so for a REALLY LONG TIME, i was convinced that hair spray was the only thing that caused Global Warming…Which made life REAL difficult when I would be in plays and we would use full cans of aquanet…ugh…I can’t believe I basically caused Global Warming.
Remember AquaNet, you guys?
Also, I’ve been watching a lot of shows about murder lately. There’s this channel called INVESTIGATION DISCOVERY that I literally can’t stop watching. It’s great bc they’ll show pictures of the real people in the middle of the dramatizations and sometimes THEY’RE REALLY CLOSE. But also, there are so many murderers, you guys… soooo many. I’m glad they’re getting caught and stuff, but i meaaaan, I’m convinced everyone is going to murder everyone else bc like LITERALLY HOW ARE THERE SO MANY STORIES ABOUT MURDERS?!?!?!
You guys. About two months ago or something I was like, ‘Dannielle, I think people love it when we tell one story during Personal Post Paturday, what do you think?” And she was like, “OMG, totally.” Then for a few weeks we both tried to tell one story. So, when I woke up this morning and read her post, I laughed so hard because today her one story is: Once upon a time the weather was weird, and then global warming, and also hairspray, and by the way murder stories.
I love this bitch, you know?!
Aaaaaanyway, I just sat in this bed for about five minutes trying to think of a story to tell you, and the more I thought about it the more I thought about how comfortable my bed is, so…I am just going to tell you something I know you will find compelling and rich: THIS CHRISTMAS I GOT A GODDAMN FEATHER BED TO GO ON TOP OF MY MATTRESS.
I don’t want anyone to worry about how goddamn comfortable a feather bed makes your whole goddamn life, but it is basically like sleeping atop a cloud made of love and sunshine dust. Not only am I enjoying it, but Trey (my cat)(do any of you not know that at this point?) is flipping over the MOON. Every morning when I wake up he is sunk so deep into the feathers that all I can see are his ears.
Below is a slight dramatization of what I mean:
Happy Saturday, gaybeans!!
Every show on ID (Invesigation Discovery) channel
1. extoll virtues of victim and describe childhood and life
2. introduce killer and how they met victim
3. friends & family describe killer in-person
4. murder is set up and reinacted by actors who look nothing like victims and interviewees
5. Experienced police investigators introduced, their hobbies (golf, wine tasting) are described
6. police check out 2-3 suspects who turn out not to be the killer
7. heroic police solve the crime
8. killer is in jail until 2025
9. Friends and family express continued sorrow for loss & edgy quote with cautionary advice
Dr. Stone's Evil Scale
One: Those who kill in self-defense
Two: Jealous lovers who kill
Three: Willing companions of killer
Four: Criminals who kill in self-defense, but are extremely provocative toward the victim
Five: Traumatized, desperate persons who kill
Six: Impetuous, hot-headed murderers, who don’t have marked psychopathic features
Seven: Highly narcissistic, but not distinctly psychopathic persons, who kill “loved ones” out of jealousy
Eight: Non-psychopathic persons with smoldering rage
Nine: Jealous lovers with marked psychopathic features
Ten: Non-psychopathic killers who murder people who are “in the way”
Eleven: Psychopathic killers who murder people “in the way”
Twelve: Power-hungry psychopaths who kill when cornered
Thirteen: Psychopathic murderers who kill out of rage
Fourteen: Ruthlessly self-centered psychopathic schemers who kill to benefit themselves
Fifteen: Psychopathic spree or multiple murderers
Sixteen: Psychopaths committing multiple vicious acts, which may also include murder
Seventeen: Sexually perverse serial murderers: In males, rape is usually the primary motive and the victim is murdered to hide evidence
Eighteen: Torturer-murderers: Murder is the primary motive and victims are killed after a torture that was not prolonged
Nineteen: Psychopaths driven to terrorism, subjugation, intimidation and rape, but short of murder
Twenty: Torturer-murderers: Torture is the primary motive with these killers
Twenty-one: Psychopaths who do not kill their victims, but do subject them to extreme torture
Twenty-two: Psychopaths who inflict extreme torture on their victims and then murder them
You could make a drinking game out of watching Investigation Discovery
Take a drink whenever:
- Any community is “shaken to its core”
- Something comes together to create “the perfect storm”
- A pair of criminals is compared to Bonnie and Clyde
- Someone has a “deadly secret”
- Something happens “that will change [someone’s] life forever”
FACT: Disappeared is Investigation Discovery's Worst Show
Why would I want to watch a show where the person who disappeared is never found? Did you think about that? I don’t care about people who disappeared, unless they and the killers are found. Watching Disappeared is like watching three innings of baseball. Cancel this show and get Paula Zahn some more work. She always asks the tough questions, like “Did you kill your wife?” and “Why should we believe that you didn’t kill your wife?”