I’ve been debating sharing this for a while, mostly because I generally like to keep my personal life separate from tumblr in most cases and I have well over 12 thousand people following me, but people always try to negate my positivity and assume I trivialize struggle and act like being positive is something that’s super easy and as simple as just being and it’s not in fact a strenuous process of trial and error, deep thinking, reaching out to people for help etc and that I don’t get what it’s like to feel pain because I choose to live a life of positivity. 

a little over a year ago, my older brother died. He was in a house that was shot up and was caught in the crossfire. He was only a year older than me and we were super close so it was something that was an extra amount of shock to me. Literally one morning we were eating breakfast I ask him how he was going to spend the day, he tells me he’s going to a friend’s house and is going to get a haircut after and just hours later he was gone. I still remember vividly the moment everything occurred, I can remember my mother’s face when they told her that her son was no longer alive, I can see exactly where the detectives were sitting in my living room trying to break the news to my older sister. It’s something that will never leave my mind. That day was the worst day of my life and this time last year I was in shambles, didn’t even know how I was going to get through another hour much less a year. I was already in a state of depression prior to his death, I was partying a lot and neglecting my responsibilities  doing lots of party drugs and being reckless but losing him was such an inexplicable emptiness that I couldn’t even fathom because the feeling was so foreign to me. Even describing it as I type this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg on what the feeling is like.

Most of 2012 is a lucid blur, I can’t really recall how I spent most of my days after his death but I know at a certain point it just hit me how important it was to take my life in my own hands, how I deserved to be happy and that even though his life was taken at the tender age of 20 years old, the fact that I’m breathing and in one piece is a blessing in itself. Trust me, I didn’t always feel like this, I grappled a lot with the basic stages of grief, being angry at how terrible and cold this world is, a period of debilitating existential crisis that left me mentally paralysed.  I know what it feels like to feel nothing if that makes sense. I know what it’s like to have everyday feel like it’s weaving into another and to feel on a consistent loop of hopelessness. Trust me I know more than anyone.

At the end of the day, I came to a crossroad where I wanted to free myself from the mental chains of despair, so I got up one day and promised myself that I would make a commitment to loving who I am and living freely despite the judgements of others or the external circumstances that come my way and I will never let anyone tell me different. I deserve to be happy, love myself and my life and shout it from the rooftops because at the end of the day, this life is so fleeting and can end any time you least expect it. Like I said, I had breakfast one morning with my brother and the next minute he was gone.

My brother is always with me and I know that even if he’s not here physically that he exists within the realms of my heart and mind and that I owe it not only to myself but to him to live freely. He would want me to do that.

So this is why I advocate for people to be the leaders in their own lives, to appreciate the people around them and to most importantly spend time taking care of themselves. Because at the end of the day your mental stability affects everything you do. I like to remind people that they are worthy of love and happiness and that it’s a continuous process but as long as you’re committed to it, you will achieve it. This time last year I couldn’t have possibly thought I’d ever get in the mental state and health I am now. So when I say it’s possible to be happy, I deeply and truly mean it. 

The only person who can truly hold you down is yourself. You are the creator and keeper of your own truth and I am an example of that. This is why I am simply unbothered by what others think and say because I have a core of steel that I’ve built within that will never let the insecurities of another taint. I am free and happy because I dedicate time, effort and love for myself and I spend my time telling others they should as well.

This is probably the longest post I’ve ever made but I genuinely mean every word.

Peace, love and don’t ever let anything or anyone tell you that you don’t deserve happiness. You are worthy simply because you are here.