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@Toma-Rp (hello Onii-san its been awhile)
Lin was looking around by the park, Lin had invited him to come over for a little bit, but she didn’t tell him why, As she set down her phone on the bench she looked up at the sky and said “I wonder where onii-san is, its been 20 minutes since I called him”.
Before you make that first cut, remember—
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily—
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live—
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting—
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut “too deep.”
And you freak out because the blood won’t stop…
And you are gasping…
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone…
Praying it will be okay—
Swearing you’ll never let it go this far again…
But you will, and further….
Don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings…
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and noone will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice—
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands—
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe—
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots…
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool…
Scissors…a car key…a needle…a paperclip…even a pen.
Doesn’t matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals…pedicures…sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting—
.At the same time you love it and can not live without it.
if you go to trader joe's and aren't buying these things YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG
- just mangoes (literally just dried mangoes (no sugar added) but surely with crack sprinkled on top or something because i can’t make a pouch of these last more than a day)
- chili lime chicken burgers (freezer section: broil + guac = amazing)
- coconut flows (delicious popsicles made of coconut water)
- gluten free granola loaded fruit and nut (tastes like the more adult version of my fave childhood cereal “Oh’s!”
other things i don’t let myself buy often but are crazy amazing
- chocolate covered pomegranate seeds (self explanatory)
- raspberry greek yogurt (best greek yogurt, just trying to cut dairy)
- angel food cake (tastes like pound cake. magic.)
- chicken tikki masala (the greatest frozen meal of all time.)
Just a little message to say....
If you ever need to speak to me my ask box/fanmail message is always open whether you speak anonymously or not I’m always here to listen to what you have to say and maybe even help you I’m nor therapist but I will try my best to hep you not as a follower but as a friend :) xxx
Last night we (a friend and i) had separate arguments with a woman and a few others on the same topics. I went to bed because I had to be up at 645, and woke up at 4 to find a text just saying “im pissed” and i didnt find out what had happened until this morning.
There are some people out there who honestly find value in somoene elses body, value (or lack thereof) that makes their value as a human being less somehow. Then, they sit there and tell you that being overweight is a choice, and you have only to blame yourself.
Do you have any idea what its like to be told that every day of your life?
Do you have any idea what its like for it to be truly not your fault how your body is made?
I was called a hunchback on Sunday, among some other very hurtful things. My back is, first of all, barely noticeable. It would be one thing if it impeded me in any form or fashion and made me an invalid —- not that this is an okay way to look at things, but in a purely utilitarian sense of looking at people that would make slightly more sense. But it doesnt, ive worked hard to stay strong. Secondly my back is not something that should be used to measure my self worth.
The problem is, and I know this all too well, that you cant fight these people to their faces. When you turn around and try to reason calmly with them they make fun of your intelligence. When you fight angrily with them they do things like laugh and blow you off. What do you do?
You tell them that you cant possibly care what they have to say, and you walk away from them (even if its family and walking away isnt an option, you can find a way to get away from the topic.)
And what do you do when this isnt enough? You get help. The entire point of this text post from me is that if you need help and you can bring yourself to ask for it, I will go to bat for you. I will stand up and tell them to fuck off, that they dont know what theyre talking about. They cant possibly hurt me anymore, ive been so rough on myself for so long that I cannot be shamed by anyone ever again —- but you dont get that way without having to have dealt with an awful lot of pain and I dont want anyone who doesnt have to endure that pain to go through it. I will stand up for you, i will fight for you.
More important, if i see that you cant ask for help I will do what I can to help. I can no longer sit idly and just try and help in little whiles. I’ll unleash the dogs of war on the bastards that want to use your body or your mind as a measure of your worth. You arent alone in this, there will always be people who want to use that as a weapon against you and they are weak for this, they are meant to be pitied for their lack of intelligence. But that doesnt mean you have to take this bullshit they throw your way.
I want to help you, thats what I want. The first of my standards im going to be living by for the rest of my life in the air force is integrity, and i define this (with the help of my upbringing) to mean that I never sit by and attempt to help with just a word here or there. All out.
And so we go, let me know if i can help. Please. I love you all.
everyone knows why you have a buttcrack, right?
whenever you have to poop and its not coming out as fast as you want, instead of pushing… what you do is you put your thumb at the top of your butt crack and push in and down, tracing your buttcrack line towards your butthole. its the same principle as getting that last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
now when youre doing this later, and it works… think of me, and send me a note thanking me.
fyi… dont stick your finger in your butt to get the poop out… unless youre bobby brown