i dont feel like doing anything. i had skipped the last couple days of school because i was too afraid to face everybody. life is much harder when you have problems like i do.

but you dont know yet, so let me tell it to you…


When i was 4, my dad passed away from substance abuse. He was a mayjor alcoholic… but he was the best dad in the world. It’s kind of hard to remember now, but i do remember him taking me out for icecream and going to disney world a few times. Those were the best days of my life. After years of drinking constantly.. my dad finally gave into drugs. Im not sure why, but it was around the time his mom (my other mama) was slowly dying from lung cancer. I know. Full on. After that, it was really quiet, it was only me and mom. Mom was depressed and i was about 6. I remember having an imaginary friend named ‘cuda’.  Well.. then came John. My mom’s old boyfriend. He was nice at first.. but then sometimes he would get angry, really angry. He would hit my mom.. and force her into doing things. But he was all we had. Without him we would have no where to go. But one day.. i was sitting in my room talking to cuda, playing tea party or something.. and John came home from work early. i remember him slamming my door open, he was yelling really loudly and he told me to get up. He told me i was a freak for talking to somebody who didnt exsist.. and he pushed me into my closet and locked me in there. There was banging on walls, screaming and shouting.. i tried to block my ears and go to sleep. I forget how long i was actually in there for… but it was a long time. The closet door finally opened , it wasnt John, or Mom. It was a policeman. John had been repeatably raping my mom and the rest is now history. After mama had told me the full story when i was 12 i never fully recovered from the mental damage…i have been self harming ever since. 

and this was just the icing on the cake. but i had to face my fears one day, there is no point hiding anymore.

I got out of bed, and reached over to my desk and grabbed my laptop. I turn it on, waiting for a couple minutes and log into facebook. No friend requests, 2 inboxes and 1 notification. 

back to normal. i check my inboxes.

i click on the first one and it’s from cam.

‘hello? earth to lexi.. where are you!? are you okay!?’ …i reply back to her.

‘sorry cam. It’s been a hard couple days for me, but im feeling confident and ill try and make it back to school tommorow.’  Cam is always there when i need her and she always understands. 

No instant reply, obviously in a class.

I check the second inbox. Oh.. it’s ..jamie..

‘Hey Lexi, I saw what happened to you the other day. You feeling okay? Noticed you havnt been at school. Everybody misses you.’ 

my stomach turned. i write back.

‘Hey Jamie. Yeah, funny, right? No, actually it’s hit me pretty hard. Just had a few days off.. im also coming down with a cold.’ lie.

i wait and check my notification. That would be right. Farmville request. Ugh. Block. 

And about two minutes later i get another inbox, from Jamie. Must have wagged or something. 

‘Funny.. no. Whoever did that to you deserves a big kick in the face. Sorry, but if i find out who hacked you… i swear. Well, feel better. I have to go to home group. Talk later Lexi.’

next thing i know im smiling. Jamie is actually a pretty decent guy. Unlike all the other boys at school. He is… different, and a good different. 

i reply back. ‘Well, it’s nice to know someone cares. Thanks Jamie.. Talk soon.’ 

i can feel my stomach in my throat and i shut my laptop. Falling into deep sleep.. 

for the first time in a long time, i have a dream.

and the funny thing is.. it’s about jamie.