You know when you wake up and you feel like something is slightly off kilter? Then you get up and knock over your glass of water, you get in the car and you can’t find your keys, you finally find them and hit every red light and get cut off, you make it to the shops but after half an hour you can’t find a park and you get boxed in three times by aggressive drivers (WHO ARE THE ONES IN THE WRONG, JS) so you cry with frustration and head home, and on your way home you get stuck in traffic and then you miss your own birthday lunch reservation and then you get a huge headache and can’t even lie down because you have two small children to care for?
That’s today.
So there's this guy...
He used to be my best friend in the entire world. There wasn’t a thing about me that he didn’t know. He comforted me when I was upset, and laughed with me when I was happy. We were both there for each other. Eventually, I realized I had feelings for him, and he had feelings for me. It wasn’t awkward, really. Because we knew each other so well. Well something happened he no longer felt the same way about me, even though I did about him, but instead of telling me, he just led me on for a while. Finally he started ignoring me. After about a week, he texted me and told me everything. I was disappointed, but I wasn’t upset. I didn’t cry or anything. I was no where near being in love with the guy. But I really did love him as a person and all of that. He’s really the only person I loved selflessly. Not completely selflessly, because I don’t think that kind of love exists, but as corny as it sounds, I was legitimately happy that he was happy. We’ve talked some since then, but it’s always been casual conversation.
I guess I explained all of that, to explain that I’ve needed him a lot recently. There are some things that no one but him knows and I need to talk to him about it. I need him so much, but every time I go to text him or call him. Something inside of me tells me he doesn’t care and probably won’t respond. A few days ago, I finally gave in and just said hey, and I got no response. I just feel so many things right now towards him and the situation. I want to be mad at him for not being there like he said he always would be, but at the same time, I don’t think I could ever be truly mad at him. He’s a great person, but I gave him every part of me. Even the parts I was ashamed of, and now that I need him, he isn’t there and I’m left with nothing.
What am I supposed to do now? The only thing left to do is sit here and hope that he comes around.
My apologies.
This is a bit of a rant, but I need to get this out there. Feel free to skip over, you won’t offend me or anything.
My father is/was a truck driver.
He’s been accident free and has driven millions of miles since the early 90’s.
The first week in March, something happened with the suspension in his tractor trailer and he wound up rolling it over thousands of miles away from home.
His company abandoned him, withheld his pay, and verbally abused him over the phone.
He refuses to do anything against them because he doesn’t think he can do anything about it. That it will waste time and money.
I helped pay for his plane ticket to come back home.
His company suspended him, refused to give him his two weeks vacation that he has been saving, then fired him.
His health insurance was canceled as soon as he was suspended.
Now, I’ve been on my parents insurance while I’m in college… I have been seeing a psychiatrist monthly and taking two 20mg Adderall XR daily since 2009. As soon as I found out the insurance was cancelled and I couldn’t get insurance coverage that would pay for mental health or prescriptions, I started halving my dosage. As of April 1st, I ran out. My productivity has dropped drastically. I can’t focus on anything. To get a new prescription I have to pay my psychiatrist $360 per session, for the actual medication it is $340 (cheapest place I could find). I don’t know who can afford to pay $700 per month…I know I can’t. I’ve been researching withdrawal symptoms online and I’m so worried this is going to last for months. It has been 19 days and I’m going crazy. My grades have dropped, I’m forgetting assignments, I’m having such a hard time finishing commissions. I go to the store and forget what I needed. So I started making lists…I kept loosing them. Now I write everything on my hand/arm. I use focus techniques, I have force myself to leave my apartment every day, sometimes I have to force myself to get dressed. Honestly, just waking up is hard… then as soon as I sit down in my truck I start to get drowsy…I have to drink caffeine just to stay awake, but I don’t want to become addicted to caffeine now…
I have about an hour that I can focus every day, it’s usually between 3-4pm. Now I’m just hoping this will turn into 2 hours… and eventually 3… and so on… For those of you who have commissioned me or are waiting to commission me, I really hope you can understand. I am working on it, it’s just taking me a while because I’m going through this right now.
If you like this post, I will consider it to be a sign of your support. You don’t have to do it. I just don’t want you to feel like you are liking my situation. If that makes any sense… <3
the worst part about this show called glee is that there’s 503243 new characters and the title of the show is pretty much the only thing that’s the same it’s not glee anymore and i’m not sure why i’m supposed to care about this new dude singing grease lightning i want puck and mike and artie singing it the actual cast not these random people that impressed ryan murphy in a pathetic attempt at a reality show
but seriously, look at this
his smile forms from the middle to the outline. his lips stretch in perfect harmony until the grin appears on his face. it’s like when you open your eyes in the morning and wake up to the sunshine right in front of you. and his eyes mirro his smile. he’s not mischievous, or pretentious, or conceited. it’s just james. he doesn’t need a huge effort, it’s natural. you think he’s gonna frown and all of a sudden, he showing a million dollar grin instead. i don’t know, it just gets me everytime, and things like this make me remember why i love him. because he’s nothing but himself.
I just need to vent.
This guy. This guy just shows up in my life, occupies most of it and he doesn’t even know. Random conversations, flirting games, and the ‘all inclusive’. I just can’t stand this: our nothing. He told me he likes a girl, he told me that with his innocent mind, not knowing that I have feeling for him. That hurt, more than I could imagine. Half of me knew that it couldn’t happen, but the other half, used to believe in miracles, to believe that everything is possible, even our impossibility. After he destroyed that fantasy side of me, everything is real, no more magic, no more heart-thinking, just logic-believing.
Now, the only thing on my mind is that I am not good enough, I am not her, but I want, I want this so bad. I feel ashamed to look in the mirror, to see a person I don’t like: not skinny enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not popular enough, This ‘enough’ is too much for me to stand, too much for me to bare. But what should I do now? Wait? For what? Nothing will ever happen. never. Move on? I can’t , I have this problem to look back when past taps my shoulder, it’s one of my most defects. and qualities. after all, it doesn’t seem to be any difference between them referring to myself.
I want him to kiss my forehead and tell me he loves all the bad things about me, because they define me. I want him to tell me everyday that he falls for my imperfections. But this will never happen, i make myself believe my own fantasies, thus being the architect of my own destruction.
[ She…was lost in a pit of her own emotions. There was nobody to talk to. Everyone just seemed to avoid her, and she didn’t know why. Miguel, Ivan…they were gone. She didn’t know where they were. Those two, she felt, were the only ones who cared whether she lived or died. And they’re gone.
The two people who’d love to see her live. Gone. ]
[ She sniffled as she grasped the revolver, a few tears plinking down onto the ivory grip. What good am I?, she thought. I’m just taking up space. ]
[ She didn’t open her eyes. There was no need to, if everything went accordingly. Her personal respawn switch was flipped ‘off’, so there’d be no coming back.
Exactly how she wanted it. ]
[ The cold metal of the revolver’s barrel seemed to reassure her; everything will be okay in a second, there’ll be plenty of people who’d care. She spun the cylinder, and jabbed the barrel against her temple. ]
[ She pulled the trigger. ]
[ Click. ]
[ In a fit of rage, she tossed the thing out of the window, the cacophony of shattering glass ringing throughout her room. She then flopped onto her mattress and preceeded to sob into her pillow. ]
:l
I guess sometimes having a terrible relationship with your mother is NOT a good thing. She is very mad at me and my sister over a fight we had yesterday. So my mother said she isnt doing anything for us anymore. And. Im just like, so frustrated. Becuase Im doing all these commissions and pretty much my entire pay check is going to her for the bills. So I have to pay me and my sisters phone bill, and the internet, and pay off the 7000 dollars I still owe to the art institute. I only have my permit.. so I need her to go with me while I drive, and to help me out with that so I can be good enough to get my license. But she refuses to and tells me to get someone else to do it. And the other people I have asked have said yes, but only if I use my mothers truck. Which is a no for her. All Im doing is trying to help her out and all she is doing is making me and my sister miserable.
Today is my cousins birthday party, so my mom had asked me to make her a card. But I told her about my art block and its not going to come out as good as usual. So I tried, and did this cute card cover of a girl in a poofy skirt with lots of frills. And a cute little octopus she was holding. And all she did was get mad at me becuase it wasnt what she wanted and it wasnt colored.
She then continued by telling me if I have art block I shouldnt be an artist, and that im not good enough to be one if this is all I can come up with. How I should start looking for a new career.
gotta love my mom :l
