Excuse me while I panic...
I’m glad payday is in about 20 minutes…but I’ll be playing russian roulette with what check will bounce-rent or daycare unless I talk to D about helping out financially. I don’t have a choice anymore. I’ve cut it close, I’m queen of the budget, but never to the point where ‘oh hi negative balance’ and I have a little meeting. At least I have a week and a half before rent comes out still, but it will be before next payday. Never mind I haven’t gone grocery shopping in two weeks and my car only has a quarter tank of gas. Fuck balls I need to win a jackpot or something. I haven’t even been spending money. The only excessive thing I’ve paid for in the last month and a half was Father’s Day dinner and I put that on my credit card because I knew the bank account would be tight.
It will all work out. It always does. If all else fails, I have emergency resources. Silver lining and all.
This last month has seemed to be filled with firsts and challenges and doing things that are out of character for me. I feel stronger and I’m happy. I blame my Navy guy, and it is the most amazing feeling.
Apparently, this is the night for it.
2:40am and I’m up. Up with quite a few tumblrs who are also saying that sleep is being quite the elusive little ass hole tonight.
Oops. I’m supposed to be trying to curve my cussing habit.
Anyhow. I’m currently downloading the Otis Redding discography because, ya know, what better time than now to bring a classic into my collection.
I’m really fucking kind of stressed about Christmas. I love love love this time of year. To be exact, its tied for #1 fav. However, paying off the wedding…paying for a 5 year olds Christmas dreams (yo Santa..I thought this was on you…) to come true…and paying our normal bills…I just don’t see where this money is supposed to come from. We’re doing some creative financing and hopefully everything will work out. I’ve got J in my ear reminding me “baby…it always works out. always.”. That’s part of why I married him. Even though sometimes when he says it I feel less like kissing him and more like throwing the nearest sharp object his way…it still settles in my brain. It’s true. Everything we have encountered we have overcome together. Is there a better quality in a marriage, y’all?
We’re paying a major bill late for the first time ever. That my friends is the taste of failure. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before but that is my BIGGEST fear. Failure is not an easy pill for me to swallow and I don’t usually do it gracefully. This one has to happen though.
I’m worried. I try to push that thought, that phrase out of my head a thousand times a day. I’m worried about the money issue (who isn’t right?) and the family issue (tied into the money issue…it’s going to get ugly) and the living situation (which is tied into the family and money issues) and the life issue (we’ve covered it all). It’s hard for me to not live up to my own expectations. I expected to be…better? different? more settled? a woman with her shit together? Oh yea, that’s right! I expected to be all of those things by this age. How lame is a quarter life crisis? Is 25 too early to be panicking about the fact that you feel like you’ve failed in soooo many ways? A part of me would hate for J to read this. I’ve succeeded with him. Honey, if you’re reading this…how did you find it for starters? Also, don’t take any of this personally. It’s me being crazy.
While sorting through my thoughts just now I thought of a cheesy (Gandhi isn’t cheesy but when you hear it every time something happens..it gets old) quote my mom has always told me “be the change you want to see in the world”. That quote has been all over facebook/tumblr/twitter and repeated by so many teenagers who really can’t even begin to grasp just how big that statement is. I need to get off my ass. I need to just put my big girl panties (what a weird word. undies? that doesn’t seem any better…) on and deal. My best friend is going through some relationship stuff and I’m so busy with all my stuff I just haven’t had the time or words to put into a conversation lasting longer than 10 minutes. She says she’s unhappy (lots of self sabotage going on) and I tell her…”if you’re not happy…make a change”.
I need to take my own advice, and that I shall.
Otis is done downloading. I need to go to bed. We’re driving 3 hours to see little Miss in her Christmas program tomorrow night tonight.
Dream on
I enjoy going through Craigslist and looking at apartments that I know Mike and I can’t afford because we work dumb retail jobs and we are broke. Broke broke broke. After almost 3 years of looking for a place to live, we hate everything. Maybe we are picky, but dang, its not our fault every apartment or house for rent in this city is lame. I want to move out already and bug mike all the time with Ripley and Gypsy as my pet sidekicks. Plus, if I move out that means I’ll have even less money. The less money I have, the less ill go out to eat. The less I go out to eat, The more weight i loose. Win win.
Adventure Time.
I don’t care what most people think about my dreams. I love them. I’m in the mood where I just want to go for a long walk with some people I can talk to forever. Take photographs. Laugh. Sing. Fall in love … with everything. Just not think about what exactly the future holds for me. I just want to live my life without worrying about money, and if people approve or not. I want to change the world. I want to explore it. I do not want to waste my youth away. I want to create magic. Be magic. And see magic.
to let go and let God
Today, I attended a talk for Ateneo’s Junior Term Abroad (JTA) program. Basically, it’s a systematized way of studying abroad that lessens the hassles and complications of having to try it out on your own.
Two offered universities really interest me - Newcastle in Australia and Fordham in New York. They would both normally cost way too much in terms of tuition but through Ateneo, it’s possible to pay the same amount for a sem here to go and study there. Isn’t that amazing?
My heart was set on applying for and actually experiencing JTA. As soon as I got home, I forced my mother to come home too so I could talk to her about everything. She agreed that it would be good for me and she said that I really should apply and that she’s very much willing to pay the non-refundable deposit. The catch, however, is that if ever she feels like it’ll cost too much, she can back out of it and I should understand. I did and I do - times are hard. So, yeah, I agreed.
Excited and all, I went online to further explore the JTA website. There, I saw the list of expenses and my excitement dissipated. My stomach sank and I felt like crawling into a little ball of sadness. My heart cracked.
I couldn’t - can’t - ask my parents for that much. It’s way too much and I’m not sure if I deserve it. My mom, however, thinks I should still apply… So, I will.
Here’s to hoping that I get accepted and that if I do, God shall provide. If not, then it isn’t meant for me and maybe that’s not so bad.
Tiwala.
/Just needed to release all of the sadness somehow by narrating how tonight went
I have to raise 100 dollars by tomorrow night. I doubt it will happen but unfortunately….this stuff happens, and I’m not a very popular blog. But if I get one dollar from everyone that follows me, I’ll be 20 dollars over!
This is for school debt that I need paid by Monday, and my dad helped me with some of it, but he is already strapped for cash….if I don’t get it paid I’ll get my classes dropped. I didn’t even know about it, because all the emails were in my junk mail! THESE PEOPLE CAN MARK IT IMPORTANT; i’m gonna cry…;_____;
If you’re into helping, just message me and I’ll give you my Paypal info…merrrrh, I’m so sorryyyy. I never wanted to do this, but it’s all I can do.
ugh i don’t want to press “create post” ;______;
One thing I wish I could change about myself
I worry about money. All the time. I think about it all the time. I count ahead in my calendar, adding and subtracting as I go, to see when I might have enough money to feel comfortable again. I lose my breath, and straight up have trouble breathing, just trying to not worry about money.
I thought when I got hired full time with a salary this would change. When I was working a $9 an hour part time retail job I justified my constant fear with the fact that, well, this was in fact a $9 an hour job that couldn’t hire me full time and I was living in New York.
When I was hired at the firm that now employs me, I felt as though all my problems had been cured. I knew something was wrong with the fact that I thought money would cure my life, but I couldn’t help it. I was just so happy. I could pay rent, bills, and maybe get a drink during happy hour! Heck, maybe I would even buy lunch once in a while. Goodbye, sandwich bags and cheesesticks. Hello, tomatoes on my sandwiches and Chobani yogurts.
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The Struggle
Its about to get real on this post so beware.
Its hard..
Super hard..
To hear my parents’ talk about our financial situation. Never have we ever thought that we would get to this place, who knows..maybe we did but either way it hurts to see them feel bad for US..Its hard to see them struggle so hard to provide for me and my sister. They want to give us not only what we need but also things we want, but the fact they cant..it hurts them. AND THEN it hurts me to see them like that.
We’ve been flat out broke for the past year and a half..Both my parents not having jobs. The money that we’ve been living off of for the past year and a half is just money that we had saved in the bank. So its annoying..when people say that they’re broke or that they dont have money when in reality (some cases) they’re just broke until they get their $100 dollar allowance the next week. Then, what do we spend it on? food…nothing but food..
haha dude..we’ve been getting our food from the local food banks every month. BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE SO MUCH DOESN’T IT?! I look well off dont i? After all, I am living in the OC, where teenagers drive around mercedes and beamers.. haha Boy did I have you fooled.
So everything we buy is limited..everything we have is spared..birthday presents aren’t existent..going out to dinner isn’t real..YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS?! I HAVENT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO GIVE OFFERING AT CHURCH FOR LIKE EVER..and I understand their is so much more to give than just that $1-5 dollars..but I WANT to..
And people always want to spot me and pay for me, which I ofcourse receive. I receive because thats just God’s grace and love to me, but its been happening too many times now. Its every..single..time..and it gets to a point where (dare I say it) gets embarrassing. Therefore I stoop to a low and pay in coins in order to have people NOT pay for me. Im ashamed I guess. NEVER WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE LIKE THIS AND BE SO TIED DOWN TO MONEY..but Im human.
Luckily..my parents both got a job this week..YAY JESUS..but trust me, its not worth the money; my parents took it cause we need it. My dad works a 12 hour day now and only gets paid $80 (less than min. wage…way less) and my mom works at a cafe for $8 an hour.
Im writing this right now because Im doing my FAFSA for college with my parents and as we type in our income and stuff..I just hear the shame in their voices when they say “$0.00 for 2012”..and Then I remind them we need to pay $300 for our AP exams.
My dad responds with his hands clasped together, his head down, and a deep sigh..
it killed me.
God provides..Cause I mean..he gave us 2 jobs, a new car, and he’s been providing over and over again this whole year..but I constantly keep scraping my knees. I keep failing to be faithful to that truth that he continuously creates to be evident. I keep worrying..I keep putting limits on Him.. HAHA man, Jesus teach me..
and now i cry.
