Ever have that thought?
Where you wish you can go back in time and do things differently? Not because you regret what happened now but because you just want to witness how life for you would be if you did things in another way. See if that path would have been better than the original one you took. Just to see if you made the right decision or if you could have made a better one.
Sometimes things in the past could have made a better impact on ourselves today if we made the right and better decisions, but then again, things happen for a reason.
it was the day before my senior year of high school.
sunday, august 24th, 2008 to be exact. why would i remember the specific date? because that was the day my life got turned upside own, forced inside out, never to be the same again. and days like those… well, i guess days like those you just can’t bring yourself to ever forget. and it’s not that i want to forget, because even if i tried i know i couldn’t… it’s just that sometimes the memories come rushing toward me like an ocean full of bricks and no matter how hard i try to stand here with my hands held high in an effortless attempt to protect myself from the impact… i can’t. because this is an ocean full of bricks we’re talking about, and i’m just… i’m just plain old me.
plain old me who didn’t see anything beyond what was right in front of her own two eyes. but that day… that day, well it thrust me forward into a world i never knew existed. a world of pain, misery, loneliness. a world where the light went away. there were times when i could see it glimmering faintly in the distance, but every time i got a bit closer… the light got further and further away. and i was devastated. depressed. i lost you, i lost us, i lost myself. i wasn’t ready for anyone to tell me it was going to be okay because i couldn’t grasp the thought that this life would ever be okay without you in it.
and so, it was senior year. i remember walking into school the first day, after spending the entire night up crying alone in a state of shock and confusion… and i remember seeing one of my old teachers as soon as i got out of my car. he could see i was having a rough time and clearly not knowing what was troubling me he goes, “come on… it’s just school, it can’t be that bad.” no sir, it isn’t school that’s breaking me down inside. you see, yesterday i found out that life stops for nobody… that these fragile existences don’t last forever. yesterday, death took the girl i was in love with away from me. so can’t you see, sir? i don’t care that it’s the first day of school, i care that it’s the first day of the rest of my life without her there by my side.