Shocked

Sometimes, I live strongly with vigor and vitality.

Other times, I feel open and vulnerable

That I sometimes react so insecurely, filled with fear…

Sure, I am a man, 20 years old to be exact

But I have feelings too, like any other person.

Why else do I sometimes react so shy and timid

When shit happens?

I get so shocked at the events that I cannot even

Study, eat, nor able to handle myself. I lost control.

The shock is so great that I break down crying

Like an abandoned child who recently became an orphan.

During these times, I seek compassion, love, care and sympathy,

But who or where am I going to find them…??

Do my friends understand what I am going through??

Does my significant other see the tears held back

Strangling me inside?

These feelings caught me off guard, yes.

Why else do you think I feel like this?

No reason, you think? … You have no idea

What has recently occurred in my life.

At least I have my family, the only people who

Care about my well-being when I need it.

Something I dearly value so much from them

Despite that I get into fights with them

From time to time. I love them always.

They make me feel safe when I get caught off guard,

Which won’t alleviate how I feel, inside.

Though at least I will eventually realize this was all a shock.

A shock that I created, and never expected.

I made a mistake.

Mistakes are always made, there is no denying that.

I am aware of them, and some are sometimes hard to embrace

Because of the timing that its come

I would not embrace it completely, so I became insecure,

Vulnerable, and weak.

I am a man, yes.

Complete with a strong personality and a lively attitude, however

I cannot always be this way. As I am also likely to live through moments

Of weakness.

This is merely normal, I understand

Yet I sometimes wished for someone to be there

Where I can’t handle this shock.