Full Headcanon Babble on Arthur Kirkland

Why am I doing this

Sometimes they way the Hetalia fandom portrays Iggy here gets on my nerves. Oh thats why

Usually, all I end up seeing is him being a whimpering ball of baw and angst, who gets sloshed all the nights of the year because he just can’t cope with shit. And oh how America betrayed him, how dare he, ripped out his heart he did. And how he can’t stand France to the ends of the earth and everything is somehow his fault too. 

And that’s all.

Its like the majority of the people who like Hetalia and make fanworks of it, Arthur is just tossed up to be, and only be, this type of character. Which really bothers the ever-living junk out of me.

So now I will pick apart his character that is all entirely 100% MY VIEW OF HIM. IF THIS GETS REBLOGGED INTO THE DASH OF SOMEONE WHO IS LIKE “hale naw beech I dou naut agee wit dis” GOOD FOR YOU.  I DON’T CARE 8)

Okay let me throw on some Clash to get into the mood here;

Okay, okay here I go. (I’m a history major you know)

First I’ll start with the general “can’t cop with shit” and how people Tsun-Tsun up his relationships. 

CAN’T COPE WITH SHIT: um hello, England as a nation has been through some crazy shit. I’m pretty damn convinced that Arthur, being the personification of England, can keep his shit together quite well. He’s had practice keeping all his eggs in a basket balanced on his head while he juggles the Queen’s militia walking across a two inch pole over a 1,000 foot drop.  

Him being a pirate? Okay yeah I can see that - it’s a big part of English past and history. But if you know anything about Pirates, they were hardasses. Nutty hardasses. Living on the ocean for God knows how long just beating the shit out of everything in their way and looting things. 

Oh and fucking things. 

Before I get someone going all “not EVERY pirate was like that goddamn”

Take your Pirates of your Caribbean and stuff it. Where I can see where you’re getting at, this is the general idea. Even if you find a pirate that was “lol not so bad”, they’re still a pirate. And what do pirates do?

They steal shit. Probably murdered some folks too. And once on land I doubt they didn’t try and get some ass. 

Unless they got the ass from the cabin boy.  

This leads me to believe Artie here has been down the block of scams and being a general sneaky, conniving bastard. And he ISN’T some squirmy, whimpering virgin either. He’s had his fare share of bed bouncing. Sex doesn’t freak him out, nor does the talk of sex. He’s been there, done that. And done them

He doesn’t go around bragging about his over zealous (past or possible present) sex life either (that’s France’s job).

Leading into that, Arthur is a man who keeps to himself. Yeah, all those eggs I mentioned earlier? They’re his eggs, why the hell does everyone need to snoop around and mess with his eggs? GTFO bitches. 

Going into the Tsun-Tsun relationships; (BUT YOU ALREADY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THAT-no, I talked about Artie and sex. Sex is not a relationship goddamn). A “Tsundere” character is only someone who, as themselves, is a tough, egotistical person with a dash of “I’m kind of always grumpy don’t breath on me or I will shove this chair up your ass” (give or take). Then when they develop feelings for a person they become cuddly sweethearts (more or less). 

Now then, I will point out I mentioned this when talking about relationships - as in “lol love” relationships. WHICH MEANS HE ISN’T LIKE THIS WITH EVERY DAMN PERSON OUT THERE. Arthur is your a-typical British Grump, with shined shoes, a poke-pie hat and pinky always in the goddamn air. If you don’t make his heart flutter and make a grab at his ass, he is not going to stutter and flutter about like a distraught school girl.

Lets reel back to the whole “lol pirates had a lot of sex” thing. If someone made a pass at him or attempted to molest him, Arthur would a.) Do that thing where someone quirks the eyebrow (and with his that would be a spectacle wouldn’t it?) and be like “wot” and ignore the ever-living existance of said person. HE’S BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Your passes and grabby hands do not affect him. Or he would b.) slam your face into the wall because he is not in the mood for such tomfoolery. 

If you’re his friend he’ll be less of an asshole, but still snippity. Though he’ll be the most loyal bastard you will ever have. (I think relations between the United States and England are a prime example; America is kind of an asshole too, yet England still backs our shit.) Though Iggy is picky and finicky about who he considers a friend. Getting close to someone takes a long ass while for him. When looking into English history, it’s no wonder WHY. 

People were assholes in the Middle Ages, especially to England. He was minding his own business when suddenly he’s getting invaded left and right. Rome wasn’t that nice to him and France was kind of a dick himself at the time. (France: LOL YOU HAVE TO USE MY KING HA HA HA England: FUK U) 

Constant Wars and then dealing with the mofoing Plague makes you a prickly person. Arthur has seen shit, been through shit, and done some shit - though he has every right to act like the shit, he doesn’t and he’d rather just not deal with your shit. 

Sorry I went off track here, continuing on. Still on relationships. 

Now I don’t want this to be a damn battle over “USUK” or whatnot. In reality you can take those two as you will. I can see both sides of these two’s relationship but here’s my over all synopsis:

Arthur is like Alfred’s parental figure for most of his life. Artie DID raise him after all. Whether that could be translated into them actually being in love later on, eh, sure yeah maybe. But my take on it really is that Aurthur Mom’s on Al all the time. In retrospect, Al is his little boy (along with Matthew, Australia, New Zealand, India, and Hong Kong) which is why England puts up with all of America’s shit. Parents tend to do that. 

“Special Relationship” could also be translated into “ilu Mummy”. Because as much as the joke is that England backs us on everything, America backs England just as much. Us American’s have a weakness against them British; we just can’t say no. 

Whenever Al pops in unannounced like we all know he does, it’s because he’s a Momma’s boy and is feeling in need of attention. Arthur rants about him not acting like a grown man and how he needs to take his feet off the table, but he also brings out the fizzy drink and chips for some bonding times. 

Oh and Doctor Who marathon. 

His relationship/dealings with France is one I more personally see as a  ”relationship” type of this. They fight and bitch like an old married couple. Their history and culture is too intertwined to NOT have something going on. What with the constant marriages to the other’s prince/princess and so on. But their relationship isn’t solely on sex - as much as France likes it. Arthur isn’t the little sex fiend he was back in the day, which is why he blows his top when France gets a little frisky and grabby - he just doesn’t want to at the moment. Especially since they’re in public. Public displays of affecting are awkward to Iggy and give him a rash. Oh sure he’ll cuddle and junk behind closed doors though, but doing that shit in public is not what gentlemen do. 

Because England is a goddamned gentleman 

He holds doors open for ladies, puts his coat over puddles, stands when you leave, and eats everything with a fork. 

Now lets talk about Arthur Kirkland and wars.

England has been through a lot of wars, everyone should already be aware of this (if you don’t, wtf do you live under a rock?). He also started a lot of wars. 

HE ALSO WON A LOT OF WARS. ACTUALLY UP UNTIL THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, HE WON LIKE

ALL OF THEM. 

This is why he was able to get to be called the ~*British Empire*~ 

His army was the shit (not just his though, Spain’s and Prussia’s military was also badass, but we’re talking about Mister Briton here.) and he had the best Navy in the known world at the time. 

He’s a tactician, he knows his way around a war. He’s sneaky and plotting and gets his jollies from dragging asses across the battle field. Hell I’m willing to bet that wars and battles excited him to some extent. It was just his thing. It was EVERYONE’s thing back then. 

So when someone threatens to kill him he doesn’t piss his trousers and run. He’s grins and says “bring it bitch”.

That or give your this look of “wtf u doin’ go away”

The American Revolution; well okay- having your kindof son say they hate you and break away from you is kind of shitty. But For Arthur it just boils down to the fact that being an Empire got to his head and started acting like a bitch. The loss of the A.R made him realize that so he felt like a bitch for a while. So no he is not an angst muffin of baw about how Alfred “left him”. He’s actually quite proud of his boy. And to say the least, if my “son” who fought against me, the strongest army in the known world, and won, became his own nation and gained as much power and influence as America did is such a short amount of time

I’d be pretty fucking proud. 

Like ‘holy shit that came from me’ proud. 

Which Arthur is, very much so. It was just that for a while the sudden change of the world around him freaked him out a bit. That and He and Al were having a family quarrel and refused to talk for a while. 

Boys don’t get over shit as easily as girls do. 

It’s a testosterone thing. 

During World War One and Two - oh ho this one always aggravates me - Arthur doesn’t whimp around and pout about how much his shit hurts (I’m pretty sure it DID hurt - and suck, and was a horrible damn experience, those wars) nor did he run around panicing that America didn’t want to help him right away (America was dealing with his own shit at the time ANYWAY- but that’s for another time). 

Albeit Arthur did try on more than one occasion to get Alfred to help, he didn’t cry and tantrum when he didn’t. 

He is Arthur Kirkland and he is the Bloody United Kingdom. This shit don’t faze him. 

Germany bombs London? England flips him the bird and says he’s got fancy toys too. 

Arthur was in the trenches getting shot at sipping his tea like the British Bastard he is. War isn’t something Iggy loses his head over. (Thats’ France’s thing; beheading) The British Government DID come up with “Keep Calm and Carry On” slogan when they were getting Blitzkrieg’d left and right. 

You ultimately declare war on Briton, Arthur will raise his tea with a grin and say “Bring it on bitches. Best regards.” and be on his way. 

He’s also a damn good spy. 

Just saying. 

Technology and junk doesn’t faze him either. Where he’d rather have the actual book in his hands, his Kendle makes him glee when he finds a book on it he can’t anywhere else. Facebook and Youtube isn’t is forte but he uses the internet just as much as everyone else. (He’s got a shitload of pictures on his desktop from his digital camera.) 

And he is in constant text wars with Spain; sending to each other insults and whatwhaveyou. 

All the latest gadgets he gets his hands on eventually because his kid IS the United States and he’s good friends with Japan too. 

And okay, okay yeah the guy has issues cooking. But that doesn’t mean every damn thing he touches turns to charcoal. He can whip up some sexy delicious pies and sweets. And YEAH some of his food is odd. 

Like, “that’s real blood in that pudding ,what” odd. 

But Arthur has a huge ass sweet tooth (Al had to inherit it from SOMEONE). He’s always got midget gems and chocolates stuffed in his coats or sweater vests. He’s also not mister healthy either, he just gets on Al’s case because that’s what Mom’s do; they want their babies to be healthy. But Arthur likes to stuff his face with junk food too. 

He’s also a real carnivore. He’ll eat that salad but there better be some goddamned meat in it. 

I think it’s about time to end this, and I don’t know how so I’m just gonna put up this picture I found so you all can stare at it and call it a day’s work.

Chris and I just came up with this BTT headcanon:

Since it is canon that the bad touch trio have given themselves nicknames (“Big brother France”, “The boss spain” and “The awesome Prussia”), it could possibly be code names they would use to play spies as kids.