on seventeen diet day and seventeen's control over my body

It wasn’t about the hunger. There were moments of hunger, mostly after I finished a meal when I realized that all I had until the next one was dried fruit. But I wasn’t hungry for most of the day.

 The worst part of yesterday was thinking about food. I thought about wanting food so much I felt as if I was back in 7^th grade.

 Back then I remember deciding that my stomach was too round, not flat and beautiful. I decided I would eat three meals a day, with one small snack in between. I would get home at the end of the day and pour myself a bowl of goldfish.  While I did my homework I carefully ate each one, and then stared at the empty bowl, longing for just one more cracker.  

 Nowadays, I usually get home a little after five and have a big snack.

Yesterday as I sat down at my desk and unpacked my homework all I could think about was food. At school I thought about food a lot, but had distractions. Now I was in my own home and downstairs was just a place with food I wasn’t supposed to eat.  

 It isn’t normal or healthy for so many of your thoughts during the day to center around wanting food or convincing yourself to wait just a little bit longer to eat. I did this diet for one day, as part of a week long focus on health and fitness. YingYing and I will discuss this further as our challenge comes to a close, but during the day I was grateful that I didn’t have to follow this diet and do complex braids, sneaky workouts and flirty texting.

 Today I did some of the sneaky workouts that Seventeen suggested. There was adding weight to your backpack (unnecessary, mine is already super heavy), tightening your abs in class for 30 seconds (which is difficult to do while paying attention to what your teacher is saying), and the “isometric arm curls” which are so ridiculous that you’ll have to try them yourself. Next week, I challenge ya’ll to try this in a public setting.  

 Remembering to do these “no workout workouts” was the hardest part. What it requires is constantly thinking about working out, about toning arms, flattening the belly and shaping the butt. Doing this requires giving a major part of your daily thought to workouts and portions. I want teenage girls to dedicate big parts of their thoughts to activities they’re passionate about. I want this brain space to go to fun, to enjoying being a kid, to being ferociously curious. 

 There is a workout for every part of the day. I gave my body to Seventeen magazine and it feels awful. I’m not hungry or sore. I feel as if they’re looking me in the eye saying, “you have no excuse not to have a perfect body! If you don’t have flat abs it’s because you lay on the couch and relaxed while watching your favorite show. You could have been doing jumping jacks during the commercial breaks!”

 Seventeen magazine feels toxic in my hands. Last week it felt a ridiculous, “how can you expect me to go out in public with my hair saturated, dripping with gel.” Now I feel its power to destroy.   

-alice