I'm too cerebral for this: reflecting on a rave
Last night, I went to the Mouth Taped Shut showdown at Terminal 5. First of all, let me say that despite an hour’s worth of waiting due to technical difficulties, James Murphy fucking killed it. His set was incredible! It was so much fun and for that reason I am so grateful that I went (shit was free, too!). Bloody Beetroots were wonderful as well; I’ve always wanted to experience their DJ set and it was another wish fulfilled, for which I am also grateful. When they dropped “Cornelius” I literally felt my high school dream coming true.
However, that seriously has to be the last rave I go for a good long time (and I mean it this time). To be the only sober and celibate person at a rave is an uncomfortable experience, to say the least. My thoughts were churning wildly throughout (with the exception of James Murphy’s set, which was pure, sexy, surrender) and overwhelmed me, leaving me reeling in confusion. Whenever my thoughts go into hyperdrive, I tend to blame it on sleeplessness (which is often true), but they shouldn’t keep me from enjoying the tunes. I think it was the crowd that was getting to me, though, and the behavior that the Bloody Beetroots encourage and incite (forgive me for sounding like such a boring old person). I mean, for all intents and purposes, I act like a boring old person in these situations. I don’t like to drink, for one, and am not much into any other substance with the recent exception of acid, which I’ve taken solely for spiritual exploration. So, I dunno where this leaves me. All I can say is that is makes it difficult to relate to those around me or partake in the festivities, and it’s all so weird because I fucking love electronic music, just not the hard partying ambiance the shows are steeped in and marketed on. Blah blah blah. I don’t mean to complain. I’m so grateful the show was free and that James Murphy made my night and the Bloody Beetroots checked another box off my bucket list. I’m just bummed I can’t enjoy raves like other people do (I feel so old in my skin!), and I hate to call it mindless enjoyment but what else is it?
I don’t know where this life is taking me. I’ve been getting more and more invested in spirituality lately and I’ve been reading this incredible book on punk and buddhism, aptly titled Dharma Punx, by Noah Levine. It’s been paving the way for an inspired journey but sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely on the road to higher consciousness. At my age, I just don’t understand where I fit in. Frankly, I’ve always been called mature for my age and have never really fit in but now more than ever I stick out like a sore thumb. It’s not that I mind it much, oftentimes it makes me happy, but at crossroads like these it really sucks. If I can’t identify with my own age group, then who’s left to be friends with? Thankfully I have very close friends that love me and try to understand me and are on my wavelength most of the time and I am very grateful for them. I don’t really know where I’m going in this life but I guess these are growing pains. I’m just trying to figure out where, and perhaps with whom, I belong. All I know is that I’m on the road to find out.