A submission from one of my trans* followers regarding the AZ bathroom law

He has requested me to submit this on his behalf and has offered to answer any questions anyone has on his blog.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Ethan - here’s a quick photo I took of myself in the mirror yesterday morning.

I’m 21 years old, a junior in college, and as far as most of my peers know just an average guy. And for the most part, I am. Because I choose to live as stealth, the people I interact with on a daily basis have no way of knowing that I am transgender. I was born female, and up until the age of 19 lived as one - albeit awkwardly and uncomfortably. I always identified strongly with the boys, and my masculine appearance and habits invited ridicule and scorn from not only my peers but my family.

I was born and continue to live in South Carolina, where most people have no concept of what it means to be transgender or how mentally painful and exhausting it is to feel as if your entire existence is wrong. Once I met another transgender male and began to learn that there was hope out there for me to live a “normal” life, my relief quickly became clouded over by the frustration, anxiety, and pain of coming out to family and friends who often just don’t understand and won’t even try. I began identifying and presenting myself as male full-time, but because my outward appearance was still feminine I faced scrutiny every where I went. Already prone to social anxiety, I retreated into myself even further and reached a point where I felt suicidal - the prospect of facing another day of trying my hardest to read as male but invariably either being met with confusion or read as female was unbearable. The disconnect between who I felt I was and who my physical appearance presented me as caused pain that I cannot begin to describe.

During this time, I dreaded needing to use the restroom while on campus, in a store, or otherwise in public. What for most people is routine had me crippled with anxiety. Should I use the women’s restroom, where my biology said I “belonged”, and risk the all-too-frequent stares of other occupants trying to puzzle out my gender - only increasing the anxiety and dysphoria I already felt in a zone marked for a gender with which I didn’t identify? Or should I risk the men’s room, where barely-passing guys like me often are confronted or attacked? Some days I would hold my bladder the entire day rather than make the choice. I felt that no matter what I did, I lost. And unfortunately, I attend a college where only one building I know of has a unisex restroom available.

Today, I am 10 months on testosterone and live full-time as male. I have had my name legally changed, and no longer have to deal with strange looks, judging eyes, or inappropriate and hurtful questions from bank tellers, gas station employees, faculty/staff at my school, and any other person who asks me to present my ID. When I upgraded my phone at Best Buy last summer, before my name change but after starting testosterone, the employee there drilled me throughout the process wanting to know why I had a girl’s name and asking if my family had given me one because they hated me. Now that my legal name on all my documents and paperwork reflects my true gender, simple tasks that used to be daunting are again easy. I’m able to make friends, I am successful in school, and have seen marked improvement in my mental health - something I’ve been struggling with since middle school.

But my gender marker on my driver’s license any other documentation still bears that telltale “F” - I live in a state where the process of changing that is muddled and confusing at best, and downright impossible at worst. Under a law like the one in Arizona, I would be placed in prison for 6 months - and more than likely, as a close friend of mine was at one time (also due to a discriminatory law against transgender people in FL), placed in a women’s facility where my appearance would no doubt single me out.

And so, iwasthesilentgirl and any others like you who may support this bill in AZ, I ask you - after seeing my photo and reading my story, would you rather that I be forced to use the women’s restroom alongside you? What would you think if you were in a public restroom taking care of business, maybe discussing tampons with a friend as you claim to do, and I walked in? Bearing in mind that I sound, look, and carry myself as male. Would you prefer that over my being allowed to use the men’s restroom? Can you look at me in good conscience and tell me that I deserve to spend 6 months in prison simply for walking into a men’s restroom? Because my situation is no different than that of a transgender female, only reversed. If you are so worried that men will come into your restroom and harass you, what do you think those same men will do to trans* women who are forced into the men’s rooms? It doesn’t matter what you think, to be honest - the history is terrifyingly clear. Trans* people like myself risk fall victim to horrific crimes every day because of attitudes like yours, all adding up to a culture that labels us as “different” or “wrong” and somehow less deserving of respect.