Giving In || Grey & Kurt
Kurt was nervous and scared. He didn’t know why he had agreed to this, because the entire action was pretty pathetic on its own and to have someone watching him was kind of humiliating. He didn’t like the fact that he had this addiction, this stupid need to see his blood and get rid of the thoughts that kept haunting him. He knew he was just going down again - first letting Santana teach him how to get rid of his food so he could pretend to be good and healthy, and now he had given in to Grey’s offer to let him use his razor. He knew it was bad and stupid, because he shouldn’t need all of this. The old Kurt would never have gone as far as purging and cutting, just to feel better for a moment. He would go shopping until he had at least new outfits for a whole week, making him feel confident and happy. He’d buy magazines and laugh at the gossip they contained about celebrities who were fucking up their life. He wouldn’t be the one fucking up his own.
Yet, here he was, standing in front of Greyson’s room, hands clenched into fists. He hated being weak. But it was all he had lately, wasn’t it? He had been doing this for years, trying desperately to feel somewhat better. To escape the cruelty of reality. To stop the emotions from overflowing and crashing down on him until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. Until the pain got too much and he just wanted to curl up and die. Escape from the hatred and injustice that was high school. He had often stood in front of his father’s bedroom, after waking up from the nightmares that weren’t much different from reality, hurting and crying. He had never had the courage to actually enter the room and wake up his dad, though. Never found the words to explain just what the world was doing to him or how he felt. How much torture it was to force himself to show up at that school every day, only to feel rejected, hated and alone.
He weakly knocked on the door. “G-Grey? It’s Kurt..” His voice broke and he cursed himself for it. No shit they made fun of his appearance and voice - he was such a girl. He didn’t understand why someone as gorgeous and kind as Blaine liked him and he felt like he had lied to.. his boyfriend.. But he hadn’t promised for this time, had he? Just like he had told Blaine he would eat, which he did. He just puked everything out again. All this actions left him empty and hurting, but he couldn’t admit it to Blaine. So he kept them from the boy, like the disgusting liar he knew he was.
Following the outpouring of hatred towards me after several personal posts re: being Rroma/diddikai, I am toying with either deleting my Tumblr entirely or giving up on the whole ‘opre rroma’ thing and letting this just fade into obscurity.
I feel like I have received so much hate for being diddikai that I just don’t know if I can continue posting. I think the hatred is misplaced, especially those claiming that I don’t differentiate between groups enough. It’s something I always do, in every post, even those personal ones I write. If I am writing about being Rroma, then that is all I am writing about. I feel like people judge me based on a paragraph or a sentence, without at least doing me the justice of reading other things I post, or even the full post at that time.
I am just so tired of being the catch-all for everyone’s hatred. I get it from gadje who say I should die of many various hideous causes; I get it from other Rroma, as well as Kale, apparently, even though I don’t write about that since I am not Kale.
I just don’t have the physical or mental strength to be hated so much. Why is it that I must accept the gadje view and “shut the fuck up”? And why must I accept the Rroma/Kale view and cease fighting for the cause because I am not a true Rroma (in their esteemed opinion)?
I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why Rroma, Kale, and others insist on bickering over the small stuff. Pointing out words I used or sentences I said and accusing me of all kinds of things that I didn’t do. I don’t understand why this is more important than the hatred and discrimination meted out by gadje.
I guess I feel like everyone hates me and that I *should* leave. I feel like this is quitting or giving in, but I also feel like I have little choice. I am surprised at the hatred I’ve received from fellow Rroma and also from other groups like Kale and some Sinti, even though I’ve never really written personally about them (like I keep saying, why the hell would I? I have no experience with being either of those things).
I guess I feel like being diddikai is really just not enough. That I don’t deserve a voice, even though I was raised Rroma. I don’t deserve a place here, even though I was raised Rroma. I don’t deserve anything—and people on both sides of the fence continually tell me this.
I could rage and scream about how you’re all fucking wrong, but what good would it do? You all insist on belittling my every word, my every move, my very being.
What difference does my presence in the world make?
You win. All of you.
You’ve defeated me. I won’t claim to be Rroma here again. I won’t speak of it. I won’t post of it. I won’t bother you with my stupid words and my stupid presence. I am a waste of your time, I get it, I do.