List of the Top 5 Life Hacks To Make Your Life Easier From The List of 99 Life Hacks To Make Your Life Easier
We’ve all seen this list of “99 Life Hacks To make Your Life Easier” floating around the web, and we’ve had the same thought: 99 things is a lot of things! Too many things, I say. I am not some kind of life hacker. I can only learn so many life hacks at one time. Does this list honestly expect me to remember how to use a muffin pan as a condiment tray when I JUST learned that my shoe can be a cup holder? It’s easy to get overwhelmed by all these solutions to problems you didn’t know existed.
Fret not, weary worry warts: I painstakingly sifted through those 99 memes and have chosen the 5 most crucial life hacks. So buckle up you fucking idiot, ‘cause here they come!
Before seeing this life hack, I had pretty much written off key rings as one of life’s necessary evils. I actually thought that I was dumb, just because I couldn’t take a key off my key ring without absolutely destroying my fingernails. Key rings have ruined my life. I was too embarrassed to give my girlfriend a key to my place, and now she’s with another man. Those days are over though, because I can keep a safe distance from dangerous key rings by using any common, four-fanged, quasi-menacing staple remover that might be laying around.
GENIUS! What’s the best part of a camping trip?…Smores! But what always happens?…There’s nothing flammable in the woods to start a camp fire! Everybody is starving, and you’ve gotta think fast…OH YEAH! You came prepared with bags of doritos! Now all ya gotta do is take all that food and set it on fire. Soon enough, the other non-edible kindling will catch fire. Next thing ya know, you’ll all be feasting on Cooler Ranch-smoked Smores. I bet the cavemen wish they knew about this life hack.
I love bagels, and I’d love to have one at the ready; but every time you put a bagel in a bag, it fucking explodes. Not anymore! Having a bagel tote is as easy as leaving a stack of CD-R’s unprotected, and strewn about your desk. **One word of warning with this life hack: don’t microwave your bagel tote, or leave it in a hot car, as poisonous carcinogens will seep into your bagel.** this thing is “totes” cute!
THANK YOU! I have complained about messy Oreo fingers for years and everyone acts like that’s weird. Just because I am disgusting enough eat a sleeve of Oreo’s in one sitting, making sure to give each cookie a dairy baptism…that doesn’t mean I like messy fingers. With this new life hack, my fingers stay clean enough to eat cookies and test my blood sugar at the same time.
Everybody knows what is wrong with those store bought iPhone speakers: why are they all so slow and difficult? Ya gotta take it out of the box…plug it in…and where the hell does it connect to the iPhone? Is it that clearly marked connection er what?! Fuck all that noise: stick your expensive phone in a toilet paper roll with thumb tacks in it. It is basically the same thing they have at Best Buy. The only difference is that it is not a speaker at all, and is actually a toilet paper roll with thumb tacks in it. Wanna impress your lady guest? Just stick your iPhone repeatedly (it will fall over) until it stays standing up; now just blast your sexy-time playlist and get your serenade on. The toilet paper roll will do the rest.
How goddam easy is your life, now that you are the Zero_Cool of life hacking?
HACK THE PLANET!
-Andy Sandford
