Since I’m obviously so chic and trendy and staying on top of the buzz I got that totally fashionable half-my-hair-is-gone haircut everyone else is getting I mean it’s so feminine but so punk ugh look at how manic pixie I am guise
To pull it off half of your head has to look like a mullet recycled from an 80’s trailer park
And the other half must look like you lost all your hair while narrowly escaping death in a bear fight
just look how fashion forward this is - wait
can’t be fashionable with emotions! silly me.
I’m totally ready to model, I mean really
You would buy this expensive perfume from me that smells like angry bears and human flesh
Or else the media will question your femininity and make you feel bad about your natural body odours so - hang on, I forgot
That’s better. Models aren’t allowed to wear clothing, even if they’re selling clothing. They have to feel as naked and objectified as this bottle of perfume you need to cover your nasty gross woman smells
They can’t hold things normally either, that might make you think they’re every day people. The model has to look like she’s having a hard time holding the heavy bottle in her feeble woman hands. Once again, emotion is purely prohibited.
In fact, I can’t even acknowledge this is perfume, that would be bad advertising. No, this is a phone, obviously. “Hello, yes, this is Soy, I can’t chat long, I’ve lost all my clothing and bears have ripped half my hair out and I can’t locate my emotions”.
In fact, my objectified body is so unimportant it should be hidden behind the product in an avant-garde way. THIS is the future of product placement, you smelly women who aren’t real women until you buy this perfume.
But we’re not done yet, oh no. The product has to have an edgy name and no descriptor whatsoever of how it smells. Just know that it smells edgy because my naked half-mauled emotionless mullet says so. And it has to sound violent, at least that’s what I’ve learned from merchandise based on vampire romance novels.
Don’t lie, you’d totally buy this.