Saturday night, I cried.
I walked out onto a balcony and called Dan and cried deep, body-shaking sobs.
It takes a lot to reduce me to tears, and the fact that I am all but invisible to my family to whom I am related by blood did just that. It was incredibly hard to be around my family this weekend. It was incredibly difficult to watch other brothers and sisters interact with each other, act as though they actually like each other, talk to each other and whisper and laugh.
For me, it isn’t love, it’s duty. A duty to help my parents, a duty to help my brothers and sister, a duty to include them in my life. No matter how much I help them, it’s almost never reciprocated. I don’t know any other way to be, and that’s why I can’t seem to bring myself to walk away from them. I know that they way that we interact isn’t healthy, that if it were anyone else, I would tell them their family is toxic and to distance themselves. Of course, when it comes to taking my own advice, I’ve never been very good at it.
I don’t think that’s what family is supposed to be - duty over love. It’s an archaic concept, but one I can’t seem to shake. I’m stuck in a bear-trap of a family, and the only way for me to fully live a healthy, happy life is to cut off the limb before the gangrene infects the rest of me. Harsh, I know, but even in the best moments between us, there’s an underlying twinge of tension that never quite seems to go away. That’s where the backhanded compliments, the outright insults, the ‘sorry but I won’t come get you from the airport even though you do it for me’, the fervent pleas to borrow money even though the disaster is self-inflicted are borne; they come from this tension that we can’t seem to erase. The happy, fun memories have always seemed forced.
I know what a happy life looks like. It’s communication, and laughter, and support, and fights with apologies shortly thereafter, and reciprocation and love, even in the worst moments.
It’s an unsettling realization to suddenly understand that your family will never be like that.
This is the kind of thing that I’ve feared. I’ve always known in the back of my head that a situation like this would arise. A situation where something tragic happens in my family and I won’t be able to be there for them. It’s the price of living so far away, I suppose. But I never expected for this to be the circumstance that hammers it all home.
There are just so few of us remaining. My mom’s parents are dead (have been for almost 40 years. Died in a car accident.), my mom’s older brother is dead (has been for 43 years. Died in a motorcycle accident). And so, that leaves the few of us - my mother, her brother, her sister, their spouses, and the seven of us cousins. So few of us, so far away from each other.
In a way, it has made us really appreciate the time that we DO get to spend together. Usually 2 to 3 weeks at a time, but only a handful of times during my life. Will this bring us closer together? Or will it push us further apart?
Anna has always (well, for the 22 years of her life) been sort of the glue. Her personality, bubbly and bright, rubbed off on everyone and it was simply impossible to have a bad time when she was around. And now… Well, we’ll continue hoping for that miracle, but it seems to quickly be moving out of reach.
“I have to be constantly busy. Loneliness does not work for me, I can easily sink into total isolation. I was already like that as a kid, sidelined, alienated from others, even my family. I used to lock myself in my room, in Luxembourg, with my records and my guitar. It is very easy for me to relapse. I must fight against it: having too much time to think can be very harmful to me.”—Brian Molko, Les Inrockuptibles 2009
prompt: Their daughter has a crush on a genin who acts like Sasuke.
note: here’s too overprotective mommy sakura! we always have overprotective alpha male sasuke, so i thought a change would be cool. THIS IS ALSO MY 100TH PROMPT, THANK YOU! send me more prompts!
“Who is he?” Sakura hissed, pointing at the little boy that was currently chatting with Mikoto on their front lawn. Well, more like Miko was chatting him.
Sasuke replied, having heard about him from Miko, ”He’s her friend from the Academy. He gets good grades; top of the class.”
“He looks bored!” Sakura screeched, putting her hands up in the air. “She’s talking to him and he looks bored! That’s rude.”
He shrugged. It could be his default face.
“It looks like there should be a dark cloud over that boy,” Sakura sat down, deflated, “Oh, my poor baby. If she likes him, she’ll only be heartbroken. Poor baby Miko.”
“Sakura, relax.” Sasuke laid a hand on her arm.
“He doesn’t talk a lot, though. That’s incredibly sketchy. Do you know who his dad is?” Sakura looked at her husband worriedly.
“No.” Deciding he couldn’t take anymore, he bundled her up in his arms. “Shut up, Sakura.”
“If this kid leaves the village after the Chunin exams, it’s all on you!”