I'm a little concerned:
I’ve been noticing lately how good I’ve gotten at faking emotions. I laugh at things when I don’t find them funny, I smile when I’m not actually happy, I can grin or chuckle at jokes or funny stories when they don’t actually amuse me in the slightest. About the only time I actually laugh is when I’m being tickled to death or something really DOES strike me as humorous, which is so rare it isn’t even funny (pardon the pun). Have I become so dead, so emotionless that I have to FAKE things to seem ‘normal’? How the fuck long has this been going on? I don’t even notice doing it anymore, I just do. Am I so desperate to be normal that I have to force emotions that aren’t there in order to feel less self-conscious? Why do I have to force emotions in the first place? I’m so emotionless now. I’m so cold.
January 10, 2013
I don’t think I’ve felt so fake in a long time. I’ve gotten so used to just smiling and laughing at everything that even I get confused to what’s real anymore.
But today I could FEEL how fake my smiles were. I hung out with one of my guy friends and I just wasn’t there. I could’ve said no, I didn’t want to, but I hate saying no to people.