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it’s hard to describe to people what endometriosis feels like, and how severe it can be.
i know eventually i will have to have everything down there removed.
i am not able to conceive children. each day i am in pain and my parents are always telling me i complain too much and that it’s my fault because i don’t go to church with them. my dad ignores me because he feels too awkward talking to me about my female problems. my mom is tired of things being wrong with me and tells me she doesn’t want me around her anymore.
there are days where i can’t get up in the morning. i am fatigued for no reason. i have crippling pains when i am on my period, and sometimes i even pass out.
no matter how much i cry and do what my doctors tell me to do, it will not change my inevitable fate. i will die from this someday if i don’t have surgery, and i have come to terms with that. i am bleeding internally, even if it’s in small amounts, each month. cysts will eventually start to grow in my intestines.
it’s very scary, having endometriosis. it’s scarier when your own parents aren’t there to support you though.
you have friends who are willing to help and support you, but it’s the people you want there most that aren’t by your side.
the people who GAVE you this disorder, but washed their hands of you, because you are imperfect. the ones who abandoned you. the ones who are supposed to accept you and be there for you.
if you ask me, that hurts worse than any pain my endometriosis could possibly put me through.
phrases that I hear all the time, which drive me up the wall.
these are phrases that I hear all the time because of my illness, I don’t want to hear any of these, just because you don’t fucking get it!
1. It’s all in your head.
2. At least it’s not fatal.
3. You’re just using it as an excuse not to do this/that.
4. Mind over matter
5. Can’t you just take some medicine?
6. You’re too young to have all these problems.
7. If you just lost some weight you’d feel much better.
8. You don’t look like you’re sick or in pain.
9. It can’t be that bad.
10.You just need more rest.
11. I read about a new procedure that cures that
12. You just need to get out more
13. So and so has that and she can work, maybe you just need to push yourself.
14.Yeah I understand, I’m tired too.
15. Well over the counter stuff works for me.
blah blah blahhhhh!
Been awhile, huh? A lot has happened, but lately all I can think about is the word Endometriosis. It’s fairly haunting right now. I’ve been sexually active for a tad bit over a year, but have never been able to enjoy sex as any other female would. I finally ventured in to see a doctor about the whole damn situation September 30th, and they’re saying it really does look like it might be the word I’m fearing.
I go back for a pelvic ultrasound the 27th, and then all the doctor-talking crap comes on the 30th. I really am concerned. I go through an unnecessary amount of pain and I’d love to have it fixed, but I’m not looking forward to having any type of surgery.
My beloved best friend tells me I’m strong enough to do this, though. I hope I am.
If I were to be completely honest...
I’d admit that I am absolutely terrified. It is very typical of me to over-think just about every situation, especially this one. I have a disease with no known cure, it could affect the rest of my life…or it could be managed with treatment and just another part of me…I don’t know…but its the not knowing that is killing me right now. I see my doctor again on Thursday, and he’ll explain everything in detail. Since day one he’s been extremely positive about my circumstance and promised to take care of me…he made a commitment to keep me safe, and I believe him…but right now my mind is going insane, and you know what? I don’t want to stop it..I want it to run its course. I want to be able to feel fear, because when I wake up in the morning and I feel at peace again, I’ll appreciate it one hundred times more.
But I don’t want to feel fear all the time. I don’t want to be in pain all the time.
I want to be healed.