Gone but not forgotten. Rip Drew.
The last thing you expect when you come out of class is to see someone laying there, someone who took his life just seconds before. I could see him there. but I couldn’t believe it. While everyone was panicking and telling each other what happened, I kept thinking that he just tripped or fainted. But then you could see the blood near his head and instantly, you knew he was gone. I don’t know how I feel. I have no idea what drove him to take his own life. Having an anti-bullying assembly a week before didn’t help. They say suicide is a cry for attention but he did it without any hesitation. Not craving attention just jumping off the roof of the school without anyone around. You can’t say that suicide is the coward’s out. How can you blame someone when they have no desire to live. All it took was that final push. We’ll never know what it was.
You know stuff like this you hear about but never except to happen in your life. Adults were supposed to take control of the situation but seeing even the principal, teachers, and students cry was a horrible sight to see. Sitting on that field, waiting to be released to our parents, I remembered his innocent face. I remembered those times during practice during the football season we were doing defensive drills. Drew tackled me and the coach gave him praise. I was so jealous that he was good at hitting. Me and Drew being the new guys competed for that corner back spot. He was always quiet but that smirk when he got a good hit would even make me smile.
I’m not sure what to say. There are things we could learn from this. Treat everyone well because you don’t know what they’re going through. I don’t think I would be able to live knowing that I was a reason for someone to take their life. Love more and hate less because life is precious. Life is unpredictable and not a second of it should be wasted. Appreciate everything you have. Friends, family, and everything else you are blessed with. Words hurt, think about what you say before you say them. Something small could have a big impact on another person’s life. Spend time with those you love and constantly remind them that you are thankful to have them in your life. Drew, for you, I’ll become a better person. I’ll try to be nicer and if anyone needs me to listen, I will be here. I’m terribly sorry I couldn’t do that for you. That’s something I regret.
Today was a reality check. Our school lost a fellow falcon and friend. Drew made an impact on the school and the community. I hope those reading this will get something out of this message. From the bottom of my heart, I wish his family, friends, and those affected comfort through this tragedy. You are gone but not forgotten. Rest in paradise Drew Ferraro. 02/10/12.
Thoughts.
I think out of any other day, today was the most emotionally impacting. Friday was mostly a day of shock. Most of us couldn’t grasp what had happened and were shaken. But for me, it was today when it really hit me - we had lost a fellow student and he would never be coming back. He had taken his own life due to the loss of will to live. He would never be back in the hallways, walking to class. He would never be one of those students that I might have passed by in the hallways or in the quad. He was gone. Gone.
In the morning I was greeted by a pleasant surprise. Someone had plastered post-it notes with “You are loved!” written on them on every single locker in the school. It was a simple yet heartwarming gesture. I couldn’t help but smile yet wish that he was still alive to see that there were people who really just cared.
After visiting my locker, I made my way to the makeshift memorial that the student body had created. There was already a crowd of people there, standing and reflecting on his death. Multiple students passed by to pay their respects and drop off flowers. I couldn’t help but tear up as I stood amongst a number of students and watched as bouquet of flowers after bouquet of flowers were gently placed on those concrete steps. When my friend Riley then came up to me - he had been there earlier with his girlfriend and her friends - more tears threatened to fall. Maybe it was the fact that I was already teary and I was getting more emotional. Or maybe it was because Riley had tears in his eyes and it was infectious. I don’t know, but I really appreciated his small gesture of greeting and his silent way of pretty much saying “Are you okay?”
First period went by smoothly. I walked into class, telling myself to stop the tears. For the first few minutes, I blinked away the tears and fanned myself. In second period, those tears threatened to fall once more. Mr. Saw had been the teacher who took action as soon as that incident occured. As he explained what had happened from his point of view, I couldn’t help but feel a huge rush of respect for him. He was the reason why the accident was covered and handled so smoothly. He gave a lot of credit to the administration for dealing with it in the orderly fashion that it was executed. There was something so admirable about him. I’ll never see Mr. Saw in the way I did before Friday.
It was third period when the gates burst. Ms Harris was really nice and chill about the way she talked to us about it. But something about her gentle tone and the subject caused the waterworks to kick up a notch. I guess the way I felt was indescribable. Across the classroom, I could tell a few other classmates were tearing up, guys included. But by then, my eyes were too blurry with tears. My goal of blinking away the tears failed by then.
It was fourth period and yearbook when I was really allowed to get my mind on something else. I talked with Jennifer, Crystal, and Alex in English. We roamed around the topics of Drew, our presentation, birthdays, and beyond. In Yearbook, I had to do some work because of deadlines. But it was nice to chat around with Young Min, Daniel, and Priscilla.
I’ll never take death lightly. I never did in the first place. But my reaction towards death will never be the same. When Jay, Joong Ki, Shiwan, Min Kyu, and Minah all passed away, I was numb and emotionless. But for some reason, Drew’s death hurt a lot more. Maybe it was because there are unanswered questions that will remain that way. It’s strange because I never knew Drew and never will. But of course, the human brain and heart works in strange ways.
Words can hurt. I’ve experienced the pain of razor-sharp words first hand and it was only recently when I was able to slightly let go of that darkness. I will never say “do you want to die?” as a joke anymore. Comments like “go jump off a cliff” will never be uttered from my mouth. What happened on Friday just gave me a reality check. I have a tendency to be sharp with my words; it was the way I was raised - the only way I could really retaliate was to subtly use my words. But now I know… Words have the power to hurt and sting.
But words also have the power to heal. I, too, have experienced this first hand. I really owe it all to a special friend. I may have mentioned him many times and told him “thank you” so many times. But I really mean it. So Dinosaur, if you’re reading this right now, I want to let you know that you have really changed my life. Truly. As cheesy as that is, it’s true. And for others, please just tell someone. Please.
In English, we’re annotating Camus’ The Stranger. To say that it was hurtful and painful to push through and annotate this book is an understatement. One of Camus’ key beliefs is that life has no purpose and the only certaintly in life is death. I almost cried after reading a few quotes in this book.
“Well, so I’m going to die.” But everybody knows life isn’t worth living.
That seemed perfectly normal to me, since I understood very well that people would forget me when I’m dead. They wouldn’t have anything more to do with me.
No. I really disagree with those quotes. No. Life IS worth living. And people do NOT forgot you when you die. Life is beautiful and we are blessed to live it. And losing the will to live does not only destroy one person. It destroys a family, a peer, a school, a community.
Drew’s death was and still is horrible. I wish it never happened. However, it has and there’s nothing we can do but slowly move on with grace.
Crescenta Valley High - we’ve gone through so much in the few days. We have unified through the loss of a fellow student. But let’s get through this together.
I will never forget Drew and will always respect his memory. So in a sense, thank you Drew. I have so many mixed emotions about this - sadness, grief, anger.. the list goes on. But you have managed to not only change my life but the lives of about 3000 other students.
——
And for the rest of you who actually read this entire thing, kudos to you. It may not make sense since I’m not really in the right state of mind.
But know that you ARE loved.
Dear Drew,
Friday, I found out the worst thing in the world. You were pushed far enough to take your life by jumping off a building at your school.
I remember like it was just yesterday, how we were just innocent children in first grade. How my first little baby crush made me learn so much. Stormy burst out that I “liked” you at lunch to the whole class. I was so embarrassed, until I found out you “liked” me too. Now, this only went as far as walking to recess together, and being reading partners. And after that we were just friends. All the way until we moved on to different middle schools.
I still thought about you. You were one great kid. Funny, smart, outgoing. And I’ll never forget your squeaky little voice. But then the innocence of childhood was ripped out of our hands.
I found you on Facebook and few years after. I talked to you a few times, through facebook or Brandon. I knew about the bullying. But I never thought you were so unhappy. I never thought you were one to give up.
The last time I saw you will forever stay in my memory. We saw each other at the Watermelon Festival. Good ol’ Sunland. You, Brandon, and your friends were wearing fake mustaches, which I complimented. You thanked me and smiled. That’s my last memory.
So Friday, I heard someone committed suicide at your school, and I didn’t think twice about it. It couldn’t have been anyone I knew. Until I logged on facebook, and I found out it was you. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. How could a boy I used to know have done this? How could you have given up? Now, I’m not even close to you, I haven’t seen you in so long. I can’t even imagine how the people who were are feeling right now. And your family.
I can’t stop imaging it happening. It runs through my mind a few times a day. I just don’t understand how you made up your mind to do it. How you couldn’t handle it anymore. I can’t even describe how much I fucking hate the people who drove you to this.
You will forever be in my memory. I hope you find your peace up there in paradise. I hope you’re looking down at us, watching how much we wish you could have changed your mind. I’ll miss the sense of knowing you’re still here. R.I.P. Drew Ferraro.
Love, Briana.
Rest In Peace Drew Ferraro
Today at my school a fellow sophomore committed suicide before 3000 students. My english class decided to read outside today and once the bell rang to begin lunch i saw Mrs. Greenway run i was so confused. I heard a loud thud. Kids screamed. I ran up and saw blood all around this body. He was simply lying there. I began to cry. This news spread faster than wild fire. Faster than the speed of light. I went up to my locker to see if i could be with my friends. They all had no idea. I had to tell them. We were slowly but surely evacuated into our football field. I have never seen CV come together that quickly. You could see that sight on the news. But not here in little ol’ La Crescenta. 3000 kids scared, emotional, vulnerable. No matter how immature high school-ers are i am glad we all came together as a community and shared our condolences.
Some things do annoy me about this situation though:
1. where are all the security guards during this? Probably just talking to students and hanging around…how do you not notice a kid climb up to the roof?
2. Everyone is talking about him like they loved him, like they were his best friend, when they have only said 2 words to the guy. If you really loved him then he wouldn’t of thought jumping off the roof was the only choice
A fellow CV Sophmore,
Pauline Tasci
“God looked around his garden,
And found an empty place,
He then looked down upon the earth
and saw your tired face,
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, ‘Peace be thine’.
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.”
Rest in peace Drew Ferraro. We all miss you so much, but are glad that you’re in a better place now.
Dear Drew,
I think about you a lot. Its been over 2 months since you died. But sometimes I sit in class and wonder what you’re doing up there in heaven. Other times I wonder what you would be doing if you were still here. Would you be sitting in the quad, laughing with friends? Or would you be playing football, your favorite sport? And sometimes, I look at that terrible spot in the quad where you landed. Every time I walk past that spot a chill goes down my spine. I can’t help but wonder what went through your mind that day. Why you chose to jump in front of the whole entire school. What was the last straw? The image will never leave my mind. I know that others have moved on or at least try to cover it up. But I just wanted to let you know that we miss you, and we will never forget you.
Dear Drew,
Sometimes I just sit there in the morning, in class, after school, and at night, and just think about you. And everytime I just fill with sorrow even though its been a month. Sometimes it’ll just hit me out of no where and I’ll just want to cry. And sometimes, I’ll have this mental breakdown and think about myself in your position. And then I know what you did reminds us that we have other choices.
As June comes closer, I think about the old memories. Way back in the day when things were simpler.
And all I’m wishing right now, is that we still had our innocence, and that you were still here.
I don’t really have a point to this, but I just wanted you to know that I still think about you, we all do. And that I know you’re okay up there.
From, Briana.
Dear Drew,
Why did you take your life today? I didn’t know you personally, and now I never will. I’m a friend of one of your really good friends. She’s been crying. Hell, we’ve all been crying. You made her hurt, and it hurts us all. What I want to know is who made YOU hurt? This event is going to eat at their hearts for the rest of their lives. Is that what you wanted? Was that the point you wanted to make? By choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem, you mentally shocked your bullies. Are you happy? You mentally shocked the whole school, their families, and all of their friends as well.
Drew, people love you. Why did you do this? I can’t begin to comprehend what you were going through, nor can I comprehend why you chose suicide…
I pity you, I send prayers to your family, and I’m furious at whoever your bullies were, but I’m also a little mad at you. So many people could’ve helped. Many people are mourning, dying inside.
I wish I could’ve met you. I would’ve helped you. I just know it.
Bullying needs to stop as much as giving up needs to stop.
Help everyone you meet.
A favor or good deed can go a long way. A shove or name called can go the wrong way.
Rest in Peace, Drew. Hope you find permanent happiness where you are now.
