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*sulat ko ito sa isa sa mga kaibigan ng latest ex ko*
Dearest and darling TOOT,
Hindi ko alam kung nasabi na sainyo ni TOOT pero break na kami. Ako nanginitiate. Pasensya na ha? Hindi ko na rin kinaya e. Gusto ko sanang makipagkaibigan at makipagclose sainyong lahat pero dumating na sa point na ito…
TOOT alam mo ba? May nagtetext kasi sakaniya na nagloloko daw ako at naniwala naman siya ng walang ebidensya. Mas masaklap pa may nagtext sakaniya na naghahanap daw ako ng aliw sa Burnham, na sikat na kuta ng mga call boy. Implied na naniwala siya dahil tinanong niya kung asan ako- eh nasa SC-03 ako noon for screening ng SLU-COMELEC. The day before our monthsary pa yun. Hndi niya ako tinext until July 8 ng gabi.
Ipilit niya pa TOOT na nagloloko daw ako. Hindi ko na kinaya. Insulto na yun sa pagkatao ko. Hindi niya talaga ako kilala at hindi manlang niya sinubukang gawin yun.
July 9 TOOT. HETO NA. Mayroong kaibigan ko ang umamin na nagkaroon sila ng something ni TOOT habang kami pa… ikinakalat niya raw na nagloloko ako at yun ang ginamit niyang excuse para magloko rin- eh hindi naman ako nagloko. Nakita ko ang mga messages at tawag niya pa dun sa friend ko “MAHAL”. Nagkita pa sila after namin nagkita TOOT… Para saakin ang saklap ng sinapit ko talaga.
Wala siyang ebidensya laban saakin… dahil wala naman talaga siyang makukuha dahil wala akong ginawang masama. Eh siya… no comment.
Sorry TOOT. My greatest regret lang is hindi ko kayo nakaclose masyado… Sorry kung hindi kasali si TOOT sa mga regrets ko dahil hindi ko kayang pagsisihan ang pagbitaw sa isang taong walang tiwala saakin, mababa ang tingin saakin etc.
Gusto ko lang alam mo at ninyo ang side ko… Para hindi naman ako magmukhang kontrabida masyado.
Yun lang TOOT. I wish you all long and happy lives.
Thoughts Of The Day
I dont trust anyone for obvious reasons. Everyones out for self gain. I wont expect shit from anyone. Ima do what I have to, to get where I wanna be. Regardless. Ima be the most ruthless bitch… out for mine. Giving people the benefit of the doubt has got me nowhere. Each time I forgave I became more and more weak. Betrayal, Disloyalty is an eye opener. A Series of events made me like this… I’ve been thinking about this for awhile.
I've warned them all, to no avail
It’s natural for us to give advice to friends. In my opinion that’s a big part of friendship. Then again, that’s just my opinion.
I’ve begun to hold friends to a higher standard than most. Not quite to the level of a “best-friend” but I expect my friends to have a degree of loyalty that I wouldn’t question, wouldn’t have to question, and that they could expect the same from me.
I wasn’t always that way. I also wasn’t exactly the most loyal of friends before last year. I wouldn’t say I was disloyal or couldn’t be trusted, but if someone else that I was friends with hurt another friend, I tried to balance between the two - staying out of their quarrel. It’s odd though - I learned that behavior from someone during my high school years that I do not admire at all. I suppose because it seemed to work for him so well I emulated it.
But our high schools selves look pretty dumb to us now - or at least to some of us.
My best friend that I made in college - whom I’d never have made it through those 4 years of life without - showed me what friendship really is.
Last year when I was going through a tough time, I really learned what I want a friend to be to me, and what that word means to me. The opposite of friend is foe. The middle ground - - that “gray” area - - I would call an acquaintance. Friends watch out for each other. They have each other’s backs during the good and the bad. They’re there for you throughout the hard times and will do whatever you ask of them when you need them the most. Friends are loyal.
Friends side with you when it makes sense, sometimes when it doesn’t, and when it really doesn’t make sense, they show you why in a way that you’re appreciative, not mad.
So it’s sad when you see people that you call or called your friend do something you told them wasn’t all that smart to do. You told them and your friendship suffered because of doing so. Then a year later when they feel the burn of what you warned them against, it’s sad when you see it unfold. They don’t come back to you saying they were wrong. Sometimes there’s so much distance between each other that it’s too late to mend things even if you wanted to. It’s all just a sad story. But that’s the way the roller coaster goes. That’s just life I suppose.
When it comes to friendships, the relationship can get heated and sometimes confusing. It’s important to be able to put yourself in your friends shoes, put aside your thoughts, and take a moment to feel and think what might be going through their heads. That’s an important skill in a friendship.
Now, best-friends. That’s a whole ‘nother story. They’re all that and more. They know you inside and outside. They can finish your sentences, know what you’re thinking by lookin at you, know exactly when to call and when not to, know what to tell you and how to tell you it, even if you don’t want to hear it. They respect you, love you, would be there for you instantly even if there was 3000 miles between each other. They cry with you, to you, and for you. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of it I can’t quite articulate. It doesn’t get much better than a best-friend. I suppose that just leaves a lot of space for error. But the best of the best know not to go that far.
I want to thank my best-friend. Thanks Dan. For always being there for me no matter what. Without a question.
if you try to state everything that makes a “good friend” as if I’ve never done ANY of what you needed like an ear, someone to turn to when you needed company, or respect for your happiness, then you must be one ignorant little girl.
To think that I’ve actually gone out of my way, shoved what I was doing under the table just to make sure you were all right, just to get disrespect from you in the end. After all the things I did that your douche of a lover couldn’t do for you, he was your everything.
Sure, friends have to be happy for what makes their friend happy, but NEVER should I be happy with my “friend” being treated like shit and just taking it because this guy could kiss her, hold hands with her, buy her expensive things, and sleep in the same bed with her.
(Doing any of that doesn’t guarantee that love even exists within that relationship.)
But I guess you like being treated that way since you’re doing nothing for yourself to end it. You put the guy who left you several times and was hung on some chick more than he was really hooked on you first before the actual person who cared enough to listen and stuck it out for you to make sure you knew deserved better.
Sure, you can block me, delete me from your contact lists, sit across lecture hall with that fake smile on your face; but that’s not going to hide the lack of self-esteem and dignity you have for yourself.
I hope you grow up soon to realize what you just left behind. Because now I’d care less about how you feel about me.
I know what my faults were and what I did right.
Apparently, you don’t know the difference.
I’ll admit. It’ll be difficult to avoid you.
I’ve enjoyed the memories we had together, but I think we’re long overdue.
Hopefully sometime soon you’ll have matured a little more to confront problems, cut yourself some slack, consider someone else’s feelings other than yours, and to stop feeding around the bush with everything as if life’s a game.
So have fun fucking yourself over with him, I’m done waiting for you to return the favor of being my friend if you just let him prevent you from seeing anything that I did.
In front of a gate, sort of in a state of limbo, the culture of travel predominates – the snacking children may just as well be American as Vietnamese – the lone traveler may not be awaiting St Peter at all. Symbols of transit (luggage, airplanes, the gaping sky) inflate in their significance. Thought about all that happened in the place being left inevitably leads to thought about the transience of it all, which is being asserted all around. The traveler is not implicated in any experience between this moment and his last in an airport –those threads of his past are separate narratives in his history, for which he has to take little responsibility.
If he is composed of a dense series of people, each of whom experiences an infinitely small moment of time, then the only ones who must be taken responsibility for – indeed the only ones who can be felt to have existed at all – are those whose existences have repeated themselves in the present. In this case, the thread of persons who have sat in airports is the thread that has repeated into the present and thus must be considered important. Of course, the repetition is not exact: Osama Bin Laden dead, etc, but the details are trivialised by a compelling desire to associate.
The other people in the contingency of time, who formed relationships or partook in experiences, flash in and out of existence on other occasions. For the moment they have flashed out and it is difficult to even remember all of them. Of those remembered, everything that seemed of overwhelming importance to them (at the time they were repeating and were not transient) now are only important behind thick degrees of separation.
The problem is not being unable to invest in something that will not repeat (the prospect of no return is too far in the future to feel like a truth in the present), but in retrospectively feeling the immediacy of that which will not repeat. The time in between each wait at the airport could never even have happened at all. All yesterday’s consuming relationships and routines of habit and surprise have been replaced, perhaps by the continuation of a previously practiced routine (“I always check-in my bags the night before”) or a surprise response to the importance of the current situation.
So at the terminal gate, a fight ensues as he tries to string many persons into a chain of paper dolls – to remain loyal and continuous, or else be completely unaccountable and completely alone. And also, about to die, as soon as the situation changes. Etre fidèle c’est faire comme si le temps n’exister pas. To maintain a hold upon relationships and memories that will never again have the same potency in my life is not just to have a glittering kaleidoscope of sentimentalised dreams, but to have an imperative compulsion to remain attached to myself.
Leaving places and people behind is only possible because of this compulsion. To be disloyal would be to become a leaf blown by the thinnest wind, and vulnerable to everything, constantly changing, paralysed with loneliness, in time and space - afraid of the person of tomorrow. A disloyal person at the terminal gate would truly be free for they would have blown far away from their place in the past.