The Politics of Savagery
The Politics of Savagery
By Oderus Urungus
Once again it is time for your puny country to pick their pathetic “president”, a time-honored process that makes my warty maw spew out a yards-wide column of boiling PUKE! I mean, REALLY? All this fuss over these dudes who at best are completely lame versions of guys who already did a shitty job? It would seem after how badly these “Republicans” fucked up your country the last time you let them run it, instead of initiating and indulging in this “election” nonsense, that you would put them to the blade, torch their homes, and rape their livestock. On MY home planet, the War-World of Scumdoggia, after such a debacle, their homes would be burned, their seed smashed, their existence utterly ended, and one is for certain, they would NOT be allowed to have another chance at running the planet after a mere four years, and they certainly would not be allowed to throw themselves some extravagant, months-long, coast-to-coast party tour where they do nothing but complain about each other, wave at crowds, and stuff their faces with fancy food, all the while spewing inane blather that does little more than reinforce the ignorant views of themselves and their equally ignorant supporters . Nothing they say is going to make any difference! Haven’t you seen it enough to know that it is true? How many politicians must be exposed as corrupt before the whole process is indicted? I assure you, as one who has groped drunkenly through the corridors of power, this charge is long overdue! Oh, how it makes me long for the ways of my homeworld…the ancient, blood-soaked ways…
On my home world, we pick our leaders through a series of gladiatorial combats and grueling survival tests set upon barren asteroids. The “candidates” are set loose on the burning surface of rouge moons, to grapple with the clawed and fanged denizens of these places. They also must feast on the blazing entrails of these things, and points are scored for creativity! Their bodies sliced and charred, the surviving candidates are then scooped up by hulking Slave Barges, which ferry them back to the seething surface of Scumdoggia, and the endless mazes of the Overlord. There they are stripped, shaved, bathed, smacked, and finally rudely violated. Then they compete in a “Jeopardy”-esque series of intellectual puzzles, all violent. Here is where we decide who is too smart for the job, and these ones are disintegrated. This is undoubtedly where Obama would have died!
Finally the survivors are assembled at the great “Hall of Woe”, where they are forced to run a gauntlet of whip-wielding minor demons (usually Hollywood suicides), all the while being pelted with stones, rotten fruit, live animals, RC cars, etc…after several miles of this the final altar is reached, where an array of edged weapons await them. Fuck town meetings and debates! Can you imagine the fun of seeing a naked and enraged Romney going after Obama with a blood-spewing spike of steel? The pure joy of watching nude men fight to the death. That’s good times!
Whoever is left alive gets the job which completely sucks. In outer space, the only reason we have politicians is to TORMENT them, and also to harvest their ass-skin to use as toilet-paper. We take their asses, and banish them to a planet where all are like them, with punished asses. Sometimes we go there to test weapons! But if you MUST have a President, let him be a President for at least eight. This whole process is an expensive distraction, and a needless one. Hell, I say ten years a term, and you can run for two! Nobody could clean up the mess the Republicans left in four years, not even a Scumdog.