Feelings & Things of That Nature
I’m not great, but I’m still trying. Not much has changed since the last time I vomited feelings onto tumblr. I guess I shouldn’t complain because they haven’t gotten worse. I just have extra stress bubbles to inhale and absorb. That was weird. As I wrote that I felt how weird it was but kept going. It’s fine, shitty ass metaphors get idolized on tumblr, I’m cool.
I want a girlfriend. I also want a cat. I’ve had several opportunities to make both of those things happen but I skirted them with the same dismissive attitude: It’s not practical. I’ve wanted a girlfriend since the last time I had a girlfriend (Six years, 8 months and 20 days but who’s keeping count?) and it’s something I think about more than I think about, you know, more important things. I’ve been on a lot of dates. So many dates. Some great, some horrible, some in between. But the outcome never changed: I’m still single, and I okay with it (but I hate it).
Weird, right? I read an article about the nature of depression, and how it becomes this comforting blanket of everything you understand. Being sad, lonely, and cynical is commonplace for a lot of people. Being happy is weird, foreign, and scary. It shouldn’t be, no fucking way. We WANT to feel great, fantastic, and care free. But when you’ve gone so long thinking one way, it’s incredibly difficult to just swap over to the opposing viewpoint.
I’m still trying, really. I don’t want to be a film snob. A music snob. A fucking dick who acts like his opinion is the penultimate perception on all-things-everything. I want to be accepting. I want to be compassionate. But that’s not what I’m used to. Just like I’m not used to being actively loved and cared for, nor feeling that way about someone else.
I love my friends and family, I do. But that’s not something I’m able to express on a regular basis. I don’t go over to their houses, hug them, and assure that I love them for everything they do and are. It’s just not a part of my life. Never has been. But when I was in a relationship? As fucked up, broken, and intangible as it was the affection and semi-constant assurance that there was someone close by appreciating you was there and I felt that. I don’t feel that, I haven’t felt that for a very long time.
So back to the original point (hahahah tangents!), I can’t make the distinction from “Hi, let’s go out a few times and then see what happens!” to “We both like each other, therefore if one of us doesn’t commit I will be crushed.” Maybe (DEFINITELY) if I didn’t rely on dating sites to make this initial connection, this wouldn’t be a problem. But even when that’s not an issue these hang-ups persist. I’m a hopeless romantic, I always have been. I want that stupid, bullshit, Hollywood meet-up where by chance of coincidence I meet the woman of my dreams, there are some comedic happenings with a witty sidekick, some interesting conflict, and then we finally make up and get married and fuck for hours and hours and motherfucking hours. Roll credits. Then more fucking.
I see all of these people in long distance relationships that just have such low probability of becoming more than that and all I think is, “Why?” And as I think that I feel the depression. The cynicism, but directed at myself. “Why question it, Nick? Who are you to scoff at this? You’ve never put in the effort, so it’s not your place. You’re not trying.”
And then I stared at this last paragraph for an hour, without any real understanding of the whole idea. I need to try. We all should try more. I get these messages all of the time, “Diction, I really like this girl and I don’t know how to tell her but-” STOP. Just fucking tell her. I feel like an asshole giving this advice when I sit there, watching girls I’ve been infatuated with for months find their one true-probably-love and I never said a fucking thing even I’m sure it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. Tell her. “Hi, I like you. Would you like to go out some time?”
It’s a small handful of fucking syllables but it holds the weight of the universe in our minds. “What if he/she says no?” That’s it. They say no. You move on. But for some reason we think there are larger consequences for this action. She tells the whole school, they laugh. She tells her current boyfriend/crush, he gets mad. Everyone AROUND me sees it happen and feels a temporary pang of empathy/embarrassment. NONE OF THESE THINGS ACTUALLY MATTER. What matters is taking it in stride. Yes or no, take it in stride. JUST. FUCKING. TELL. THEM. It makes so much sense when I type it out, but I’ll bet you a thousand bucks the next time I’m in this exact situation I will chicken out for the very same, stupid reasons I listed above. I’m 27 years old, and I’m also 15 years old. This probably won’t change. But guess what? I can always keep trying.
Think Positive, Amanda
So, Date 1, Tim, messaged me last night telling me had a good time and was joking with me. Then this morning I went to my dating app to read a message and saw where he had visited my profile at like 7am, I’m gonna go all girl and believe he woke up thinking about me.
He totally woke up thinking about me, right?
Dating Truths You Need to Realize
Just Not You
If you’ve ever been told by your partner or potential love interest that they’re “not ready to date”, or that they “need to be single for now”, then you will definitely want to read this. We can understand the confusion in this situation, especially if two weeks later they’re dating someone else. The truth is they are ready to date, however, they just don’t want to date you. Harsh, right? There’s plenty of other fish in the sea, as they say, so move on and find someone who actually appreciates you.
A lot of relationships begin while one person is ‘on the rebound’. This simply means that they are still dealing with the hurt and heartbreak of being dumped and rejected by their former flame, and they have now began a new relationship with the purpose of forgetting this hurt. We’ve got news for you – this is dangerous relationship territory! Everyone carries a bit of emotional baggage with them, but expecting the new partner to suddenly make everything better is extremely unfair, to both your new partner, and yourself. If you’re having trouble dealing with your heartbreak, then take a step away from the dating game until you feel confident with yourself again.
Here’s a common relationship problem that is often ignored! Do you find your family and friends disliking your new boyfriend or girlfriend? Or, even more extreme, do you find absolutely everyone hating your new boyfriend or girlfriend? This is the biggest ‘red alert’ signal, and there are a number of reasons why you won’t understand their dislike. Firstly, you’re probably in a state of loved-up bliss, but this soon will pass. Secondly, you’re probably not aware of the more distasteful facts about your new partner, but everyone else is. There very well could be legitimate reasons as to why everyone around you thinks you can do better…because you can!
Is your dating life a mess? It might seem like the easiest option to just blame all of this on your parents’ own messed-up relationship, but the truth is that it’s time to take some responsibility. A lot of children grow up with arguing parents, or they even experience their mother and father going through a divorce. But this should not impact anyone’s own adult relationships or marriage. ‘Each to their own’ as they all say. Just because your parents had a turbulent marriage, doesn’t necessarily mean you will!
We’ve all been here before, constantly checking our phones, email or instant messenger desperately waiting for our love interest to reply! Before you get ahead of yourself and assume a reply that takes longer than ten or twenty minutes means they’re just not that into you, think again. A reply that takes a week or longer is obviously a cause for alarm bells, however, timing a reply right up to the exact second it was sent is extremely naive and obsessive. You can’t expect them to be glued to their phone 24 hours a day! It’s time to put those unrealistic expectations away for good…
Dating advice we can all agree on
sonofiver asked: There are pastors and Christians who say there is only ONE way to date, making up rules and regulations, about time spent together, and physical intimacy, and what not. If you had 5 minutes with one of these people, what would you say to him/her?
Unka Glen answered: Oh, they’d basically agree with me. You have to remember, that many of these fad Christian dating books were actually written a few years ago, and the authors have had a chance to see the fruit of their work. And it’s not pretty.
They’ve had plenty of feedback from ministry professionals who do regular marriage counseling, and those professionals have explained how these books have made a mess of things, to put it mildly.
It’s created people who are scared to death, just to go out on a date. Far from helping people have healthy and Godly relationships, in large numbers, it’s driven them to simply have no relationships at all. Fewer and fewer married couples know anything about how to be an actual couple.
Trust me when I tell you that the authors of these books have heard this feedback in numbers far too big for them to ignore. They agree with the results, simply because they can’t be denied any longer. So why isn’t the larger Christian culture aware of all this?
That’s where things get complicated.
Many of these authors have tried to, well, kinda sorta distance themselves from their own books. Others have suggested that their work was taken out of context (it wasn’t), and made into something ugly and legalistic (it was already legalistic), and that people have made a mess of it (it was already a mess).
To you, these might sound like lame excuses, and that’s in fact what they are. The real answer to your question is: money. You see, when an author writes a book and makes a deal with the publisher, the publisher OWNS that book.
An author can publicly denounce their book, but if they do something to prevent a publisher from making money on the book that was sold to them, then that publisher can sue that author.
That might still sound like a lame excuse for a generation of people who are not only stuck with all this toxic nonsense in their heads, but that these books are still available, and are still making money, and they’re making money off of the very people they’re messing up. It is lame, and it is wrong.
I know divorced people who would still be married today, if they’d never read any of these books. And it breaks my heart to see them suffer.
But in a way, what you and I are doing here is the solution to that whole mess. I’m not getting paid to tell you what I’m telling you, nobody owns or controls this conversation. You and I are free to compare notes, to share what we’re seeing out there, and to make sense of it all together.
This technology is allowing YOU to help shape the church of the future. And I think the future is in good hands.
Dating, love, and... Swimming?
I know, I’m ranting again about dating. Sorry. I just hate the way our generation goes about it. It seems so backwards to me. There are all of these ridiculous unspoken rules that everyone is supposed to know about, but the people who abide by them get confused when someone else does too, and vice versa. Everyone is just tripping over themselves all the time and crashing into each other haphazardly.
You know what I’m talking about. You’re not supposed to show that you’re interested. You’re supposed to somehow care enough about the other person to maintain their interest and show them that you’re a good person, and not care enough, so you don’t make them think you like them too much, too soon. You’re supposed to be totally nonchalant and ridiculously charming and interesting at the same time. Have you ever met someone who actually doesn’t give a shit about anything? I have, and aside from them being very unpleasant to be around, I would NEVER date them, much less even be friends with them.
You’re supposed to listen. You’re supposed to talk about yourself enough to seem impressive and cultured, but not enough to seem narcissistic. If you are a narcissist, you have to curtail that shit. If you’re generally shy and modest, you have to learn to be narcissistic. You’re supposed to ask the other person about themselves, and respond with utter interest, even if you aren’t interested. And if you are interested, you can’t act too interested, because then they’ll realize you’re a person with feelings and that will scare the shit out of them.
Nothing is supposed to be intense. Nobody wants anything intense anymore. No one wants to fall for anyone. No one wants to go on a crazy chase to be with someone. Everyone wants it easy. Everyone just wants something “fun” and meaningless, and they want it to mean something at the same time. The whole process of dating is riddled with catch-22’s.
If you play your cards right when you meet someone, and you start to let your walls down, you expect them to let their walls down. And more often than not, your walls do not come down at the same time. Even more often than that, only one person’s walls will come down.
If you let your wall down, and the other person doesn’t, it’s fucking awful. It’s like going swimming with someone when you’ve both never swam before, and they bring a bathing suit and towels and sunscreen, and talk about how nice the water is, so you assume that, clearly, they must have the intention of swimming with you. So you show up to the pool, awkwardly take off your clothes and change into your swimsuit, and you jump in and clumsily flail around and hold your nose, and you look over at them and they’re still standing on the edge of the pool with their clothes on, looking at you like you’re a psychopath. And you’re like, “Hey, I thought you were gonna swim too!” And they’re like, “Uhh, I never said I was actually going to get in the water.” And you’re just in the water alone and feel like an idiot. But you’ve both gone swimming before. And you wonder why you even bother swimming with anyone anymore. And you go to the pool a couple days later, and there they are swimming with someone else.
So, you fall in love with someone, and you think, “I’m going to SHOW them that I want to be with them. I’m going to do something really huge and romantic to prove it!” And you do, and then they awkwardly tell you that they’re still getting over someone, or they’ve been hurt, or they don’t want to ruin your friendship, even though the act of them not reciprocating is, in effect, ruining your friendship with them. And so you stop doing big romantic gestures, and you stop pursuing people. And you get tired.
And you heal. With booze, time, or other meaningless affairs that make everything worse. And after torturing yourself to death, you calm down and actually heal. And you study yourself, and you learn to love yourself, and you learn to be happy without anyone else’s help, and you learn what you deserve and what you are able to give. And finally, you put yourself back out there. And you think you know how everything should work, and you think you’re prepared and independent and smart enough about it to deal with whatever happens. Then the exact same thing happens, and you are just as confused and hurt as you were the last time.
So you wait and heal again, and you feel tired, and everything is dull. And then it happens again, and you meet someone, and everything clicks, and it scares you, because everything clicks. So you barely manage to convince yourself to let your walls down and go swimming with them. And they don’t get in the pool. And then you write a long post on tumblr and listen to Ryan Adams. And now you’re too numb and confused to do anything, and you actually start to stop caring. And you start doing all of the things that drove you to feel this way in the first place, and you meet someone who falls for you and they let their walls down. And now it’s you standing next to the pool with all of your clothes on.
I guess this is what it means to be in your 20’s.
Anonymous asked: Each house on their wedding day, boy and girl reactions?
Its been a lot of stress so emotions are on edge.
from everything I’ve heard from married men, the moment she walks down the aisle she is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and he just can’t believe she picked him.